HELLOOOOO!
wow, it was been a little while. Thanks so much for the emails and encouragment from you all. It is beautiful and absolutey heart warming to know that you carry me and my story in your hearts. Beautiful people.
Where to start...I havent blogged for the past litte while because I have been an a crash course of medication. Seriously, what havent I been on now!! To be honest, it was hell. I spent most of the time in a really dark place. I didnt want to leave the house, ate non-stop due to medication but also due to the fact that it made me feel better for 5mins, then I would crash. I even started drinking more because it would make the depression subside for that little while ( yes christian reader, close your jaws :) This is an honest blog right? Whats the point in going through all of this if it is of no benifit. It was a dark place, possibly the darkest place Ive walked yet. For those who have been there, to get stuck in that negative spiral, it soon gets out of control. I wanted to not exist, not function, not wake up. Yet amongst it all I have a husband who deserves a loving wife and a son who is in term one of kindy. I have a place in life that I need to be and I just couldnt be there. I just couldnt do it anymore.
So, amid the darkness, a close friend of mine started telling me that at a training day for work she had bumped into an old family friend who was a pyscologist and she began telling him my story . Depersonalisation didnt sound like a foreign language to him, he actually understood it and gave her so much insight that she passed it onto me, and it started to pull me out of the darkness. Hope. Maybe lost hope in the end, but hope all the same. Everyday I assess myself, my lack of emotion, lack of connection, lack of memory. The past 4 years are a blur. I am weighed down with this burden, and I have accepted that this could be my life.
When hope peeps up, I know its a 'God thing'. Marcus, at just the right time, changed my life and gave this burden a name and a meaning. Now, I needed the next step. No medication, no quick fix. The deep dark reason why I am not function as the Lisa that I want to be- it literally fell in my lap.
Why now? Why not fnd this help 4 years ago? I dont know. All I know is that no matter how painful, confusing, disillusioning ( not a word?:) this is, I simply cannot deny Jesus and his existance in this world and in my heart and life. Sometimes, all the time, I cant feel it, BUT, I cant deny it. He is at work. Does it confuse me? Heck yes. Do I doubt His love for me? honestly, yeah I do. This empty shell is lonely. I miss my passions. I miss the driving desire to save the world. I miss being in love with music and writing songs till all hours of the night. I miss loving Jas, I miss our history, our connection to each other. I miss life. I so easily become a victim. As Ive said before, I have a great case that I constantly bring before God- If you heal me, I can work in post natal care and help so many families, if you heal me I can go back to writing songs for you, if you heal me I can help save so many people.
Heres the big one that breaks my heart, I want to experience his love so that I can share it. I find it so hard to not be able to connect to my emotions, so my love for God and others is a constant choice. I feel like I cant access His love as a feeling, so I find it so hard to personalise and for it to flow out of me. It doesnt bubble over. I can tell people that he is faithful, but I miss the days where his love blurted out of me. Where it bubbled out from my heart and mouth and life. If God so badly wants me to experience His love...here I am! But I cant get it. I cant receive it .I cant share it. See...its a good case :)
So back to the part where although I cant feel Jesus, I cant deny Him...
God is a good God. He is at work. I know this. Feelings or not. Even when I am the furthest away from Him, still He is working together for my good, heres how.
So randomly, as I mentioned before, my friend sees this pyscologist at a meeting for work. I find his number and called, and withing a week Im sitting in his office having my entire childhood explained to me. All of sudden my life as I knew it, made sense. The cronic, crippling, controlling anxiety I had all my life before Sam, had a place, it had a reason, it had roots. We explored my past and why and how that plays a part in the depersonalisation that wont shift. It helped me realise why the medication I had been on for the past 6 months did nothing. I had hope that with every new pill I popped ( legally ofcourse;) that it would save me and bring me back. I think thats why in the end, I ended up so depressed and hopeless.
It is only the beginning of this faze of the journey, but already It makes sense. I can place myself and why I am the way I am, and that alone sets me free. I cant feel, but I know why. It is life changing.
I have decided that although I cant change the state Im in, I can change how I react to it. I can chose to not be a victim and not analyse what I missing. And as much as God can, I want Him to be able to use me right now, not wait until Im 'better'. I dont want to waste another day, even if I dont remember it, that doesnt mean it shouldnt be of worth. I believe that God can use me at the moment, I dont know how, but my heart is open to Him. Until recently, I had closed it. For the previous few months I was in so much pain that I just couldnt go there. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me and my little family. No matter what this situation tells me, I chose to believe that as much as I possibly can. Although at times I feel forsaken, I chose to believe that the opposite is actually happeining. That I will look back one day and see His hand there all along.
No matter the hurdle, the reason, the excuse, Jesus is available to each and everyone of us today. He reaches us, yes the unreachable. He reaches. He changes. He makes all things new.The choice to reach back is ours. Reach back friends, grab His hand. He WILL pull you out of that darkness.
Love you all, xoo
wow, it was been a little while. Thanks so much for the emails and encouragment from you all. It is beautiful and absolutey heart warming to know that you carry me and my story in your hearts. Beautiful people.
Where to start...I havent blogged for the past litte while because I have been an a crash course of medication. Seriously, what havent I been on now!! To be honest, it was hell. I spent most of the time in a really dark place. I didnt want to leave the house, ate non-stop due to medication but also due to the fact that it made me feel better for 5mins, then I would crash. I even started drinking more because it would make the depression subside for that little while ( yes christian reader, close your jaws :) This is an honest blog right? Whats the point in going through all of this if it is of no benifit. It was a dark place, possibly the darkest place Ive walked yet. For those who have been there, to get stuck in that negative spiral, it soon gets out of control. I wanted to not exist, not function, not wake up. Yet amongst it all I have a husband who deserves a loving wife and a son who is in term one of kindy. I have a place in life that I need to be and I just couldnt be there. I just couldnt do it anymore.
So, amid the darkness, a close friend of mine started telling me that at a training day for work she had bumped into an old family friend who was a pyscologist and she began telling him my story . Depersonalisation didnt sound like a foreign language to him, he actually understood it and gave her so much insight that she passed it onto me, and it started to pull me out of the darkness. Hope. Maybe lost hope in the end, but hope all the same. Everyday I assess myself, my lack of emotion, lack of connection, lack of memory. The past 4 years are a blur. I am weighed down with this burden, and I have accepted that this could be my life.
When hope peeps up, I know its a 'God thing'. Marcus, at just the right time, changed my life and gave this burden a name and a meaning. Now, I needed the next step. No medication, no quick fix. The deep dark reason why I am not function as the Lisa that I want to be- it literally fell in my lap.
Why now? Why not fnd this help 4 years ago? I dont know. All I know is that no matter how painful, confusing, disillusioning ( not a word?:) this is, I simply cannot deny Jesus and his existance in this world and in my heart and life. Sometimes, all the time, I cant feel it, BUT, I cant deny it. He is at work. Does it confuse me? Heck yes. Do I doubt His love for me? honestly, yeah I do. This empty shell is lonely. I miss my passions. I miss the driving desire to save the world. I miss being in love with music and writing songs till all hours of the night. I miss loving Jas, I miss our history, our connection to each other. I miss life. I so easily become a victim. As Ive said before, I have a great case that I constantly bring before God- If you heal me, I can work in post natal care and help so many families, if you heal me I can go back to writing songs for you, if you heal me I can help save so many people.
Heres the big one that breaks my heart, I want to experience his love so that I can share it. I find it so hard to not be able to connect to my emotions, so my love for God and others is a constant choice. I feel like I cant access His love as a feeling, so I find it so hard to personalise and for it to flow out of me. It doesnt bubble over. I can tell people that he is faithful, but I miss the days where his love blurted out of me. Where it bubbled out from my heart and mouth and life. If God so badly wants me to experience His love...here I am! But I cant get it. I cant receive it .I cant share it. See...its a good case :)
So back to the part where although I cant feel Jesus, I cant deny Him...
God is a good God. He is at work. I know this. Feelings or not. Even when I am the furthest away from Him, still He is working together for my good, heres how.
So randomly, as I mentioned before, my friend sees this pyscologist at a meeting for work. I find his number and called, and withing a week Im sitting in his office having my entire childhood explained to me. All of sudden my life as I knew it, made sense. The cronic, crippling, controlling anxiety I had all my life before Sam, had a place, it had a reason, it had roots. We explored my past and why and how that plays a part in the depersonalisation that wont shift. It helped me realise why the medication I had been on for the past 6 months did nothing. I had hope that with every new pill I popped ( legally ofcourse;) that it would save me and bring me back. I think thats why in the end, I ended up so depressed and hopeless.
It is only the beginning of this faze of the journey, but already It makes sense. I can place myself and why I am the way I am, and that alone sets me free. I cant feel, but I know why. It is life changing.
I have decided that although I cant change the state Im in, I can change how I react to it. I can chose to not be a victim and not analyse what I missing. And as much as God can, I want Him to be able to use me right now, not wait until Im 'better'. I dont want to waste another day, even if I dont remember it, that doesnt mean it shouldnt be of worth. I believe that God can use me at the moment, I dont know how, but my heart is open to Him. Until recently, I had closed it. For the previous few months I was in so much pain that I just couldnt go there. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me and my little family. No matter what this situation tells me, I chose to believe that as much as I possibly can. Although at times I feel forsaken, I chose to believe that the opposite is actually happeining. That I will look back one day and see His hand there all along.
No matter the hurdle, the reason, the excuse, Jesus is available to each and everyone of us today. He reaches us, yes the unreachable. He reaches. He changes. He makes all things new.The choice to reach back is ours. Reach back friends, grab His hand. He WILL pull you out of that darkness.
Love you all, xoo
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