Hi there beautiful people,
Wow, it has almost been a year since I have sat here and shared with you. I have written this blog so many times in my head, yet haven't had the time to do it! I think I got out of the habit too :) I have so many thoughts floating around that I am yet to put to paper. I have met so many new people since my last post who might not have ever seen this, so welcome to my crazy life. As always I encourage you to head to the initial blog post that outlines the situation and gives a background to this journey. :) Thanks for reading.
Wowsers, where am I supposed to begin. I thought I'd update on here because quite a few people have asked how I've gone since having Bella and it's best to be able to give a comprehensive answer. Also I had a little peep at the stats on here because I haven't even logged in since last march, and there have been over 4000 views from all over the globe, so if people are following this, I'd best do my part and actually write:)
Bella is here!!! She came on the 28th May 2012, her full name is Bella Grace McPhee and she is absolutely perfect. As I'd mentioned, I had a c-section all planned 7 months in advance and would you believe, I went into labor the very night before I was scheduled to have the operation. So I fully labored ( no drugs eeeekkk) and was wheeled into my c-section right as planned :) None the less, she is here, and now know what labor feels like :) Goes to show no matter what, you can never be in absolute control of your circumstances.
For those wondering, yes I am still battling with Depersonalisation. I was really scared of how I would cope with the birth of Bella and I remember standing in her room before she was born just sobbing and begging God to at least give me the strength to be able to care for her once she is here. I wasn't able too at the start of Sam's life. The good news is the medication I am on is combating the anxiety that I can suffer with especially when pregnancy hormones are around, and although the connection and emotion isn't ideal, I am more than able to care for both of my children, and I actually really love it.
I do have my struggling days, the ones where my brain is so tired from protecting me and keeping me in the state of shock and numbness, that I am at capacity from the second I wake up, and depression seems to not be far away when that happens. I said to Jas the other day, as bad as the days can get, and there have been a few dark ones, Bella always- every single day of her life, has made me laugh out loud. I love her. Whether I have the fuzzy feelings or not, I love my children. I admire them and I am blown away with the kindness and compassion that they both possess. Bella is so very cheeky, she is so full of life and so happy. She had a kidney infection for the first 6 months of her life and even with that, she was happy most of the time. But since finding that and fixing it, she has been the happiest little thing Ive ever laid eyes on. She brings so much love and life to everyone she meets, even the nurses at the hospital when she was born and admitted for her infection, fell in love with her and didnt't want her to leave. There is something special about this kid, I'm telling ya... :)
Now for the practical side. For those suffering in the same way who have found this blog, I will let you know that I was on zoloft during and after Bella, and it was amazing at creating a buffer so that my brain and seritonin levels didnt breakdown again. I was in a very high risk category for having an anxiety episode after birth, and the medication completely saved me, I notice if I miss it, the anxiety can show up again. Im not saying everyone should grab a pill, but the stigma attatched with mental illness medication is ridiculous, like I always say, If you break your arm you go to the doctor and get a cast. Likewise, your brain needs repairing and medication can be the very thing it needs to have a break and allow the chemicals to return to stability. I'm all for it, and living proof that God blessed us with knowledge that doctors have used to get this medication available to us. I'd be in a bad place right now without it.
I have JUST changed medication because the one I was on had a massive weight gaining effect on me, it doesn't to everyone, but it does to me. No matter what I eat, or how I exercise. So Im back on an SNRI instead of an SSRI, so if you have any questions please consult your own doctor always. SNRI also target the Noradrenalin receptors in the brain so it has more of a stimualting affect on the brain which can help me a lot with depression and motivation. Each to their own, but I found this works best for me to have the best quality of life, given my situation.
I did try a breakthrough new medication that has just been released and it cost us $200 a pack and it did jack all- hahaha. Certainly can't say we havent tried everything. Hey it was worth a crack.
Oh yeah, I also had an infection in my blood when I had the c-section so my wound got infected. 6cm deep and 11 cm long. whaaaaaaat!! :) Actually somehow God just had it sussed. Going into labor, although unplanned and unnecessary had my doctor come in when he was called, was a really healing experience for me. I felt a connection with Bella because of what my body had gone through, and I was actually begging for the c-section, instead of fearing it like I did with Sam. So it was a very different experience to the last, and I noticed a lot happening around me that was orchestrated by Him. Even the wound infection and being back in hospital for 2 weeks gave me time to get to know Bella and get my head around what had happened before I headed home. Sam was and is amazing, he was brilliant while it all happened and he and Bella adore each other. The only real downside was the pain, and also having to face all the nurses that I had previously abused during labor :) They were beautiful and very forgiving.
As far as my relationship with God goes, this hasn't shaken me. I know I dont feel the love for my kids and my husband and family that I wish I had, I cant remember much and I have the sensation of unreality consistantly. But I am alive, and I know what its like to be riddled with anxiety and not function, so to have been that low and feel that devastation and desperation, I am grateful that I can make Bella's bottles, and pack Sam's lunch and be their mum. I am grateful beyond measure. Am I where I wish I was ? no, not yet. But I still believe the day is coming when my heart and mind will be restored and I hold tight to the promises of Jesus and the love that he surrounds me with everyday- Via Jas and my kiddies and His Word. I know He is using this for his purpose and I know that eternity is where I set my eyes. This life fades and with it fades everything material we have built in this life. I am anchored to the steadfast love and plan of the creator of life, and although I am in a constant storm, I simply cannot be shaken. He holds firm when life blows me around. I always come back to the centre of it all, Jesus. I know in a crisis it is easy to point to God and ask why and how, He never promised an easy life, He promised a firm hand to hold and a loving Father to be with you always, and we my friends, do not deserve that.
Hebrews 6:19- We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
During the holidays Pastor Levi Lusko lost a daughter to a severe asthma attack. His wife Jennie posted a picture of them on their last day together and wrote:
" My last day with Lenya-bird. I love her, I miss her.
We do not lose heart...for our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For those things that we can see are temporary, but the things which we cannot see are eternal."
As life blows its storms, not if it does, but when, anchor yourselves to the only hope that will hold steadfast and strong. Jesus is our anchor. With him, you cannot be snuffed out, no matter how close you feel like you are to being so. I love you all. xoxoxo
Wow, it has almost been a year since I have sat here and shared with you. I have written this blog so many times in my head, yet haven't had the time to do it! I think I got out of the habit too :) I have so many thoughts floating around that I am yet to put to paper. I have met so many new people since my last post who might not have ever seen this, so welcome to my crazy life. As always I encourage you to head to the initial blog post that outlines the situation and gives a background to this journey. :) Thanks for reading.
Wowsers, where am I supposed to begin. I thought I'd update on here because quite a few people have asked how I've gone since having Bella and it's best to be able to give a comprehensive answer. Also I had a little peep at the stats on here because I haven't even logged in since last march, and there have been over 4000 views from all over the globe, so if people are following this, I'd best do my part and actually write:)
Bella is here!!! She came on the 28th May 2012, her full name is Bella Grace McPhee and she is absolutely perfect. As I'd mentioned, I had a c-section all planned 7 months in advance and would you believe, I went into labor the very night before I was scheduled to have the operation. So I fully labored ( no drugs eeeekkk) and was wheeled into my c-section right as planned :) None the less, she is here, and now know what labor feels like :) Goes to show no matter what, you can never be in absolute control of your circumstances.
For those wondering, yes I am still battling with Depersonalisation. I was really scared of how I would cope with the birth of Bella and I remember standing in her room before she was born just sobbing and begging God to at least give me the strength to be able to care for her once she is here. I wasn't able too at the start of Sam's life. The good news is the medication I am on is combating the anxiety that I can suffer with especially when pregnancy hormones are around, and although the connection and emotion isn't ideal, I am more than able to care for both of my children, and I actually really love it.
I do have my struggling days, the ones where my brain is so tired from protecting me and keeping me in the state of shock and numbness, that I am at capacity from the second I wake up, and depression seems to not be far away when that happens. I said to Jas the other day, as bad as the days can get, and there have been a few dark ones, Bella always- every single day of her life, has made me laugh out loud. I love her. Whether I have the fuzzy feelings or not, I love my children. I admire them and I am blown away with the kindness and compassion that they both possess. Bella is so very cheeky, she is so full of life and so happy. She had a kidney infection for the first 6 months of her life and even with that, she was happy most of the time. But since finding that and fixing it, she has been the happiest little thing Ive ever laid eyes on. She brings so much love and life to everyone she meets, even the nurses at the hospital when she was born and admitted for her infection, fell in love with her and didnt't want her to leave. There is something special about this kid, I'm telling ya... :)
Now for the practical side. For those suffering in the same way who have found this blog, I will let you know that I was on zoloft during and after Bella, and it was amazing at creating a buffer so that my brain and seritonin levels didnt breakdown again. I was in a very high risk category for having an anxiety episode after birth, and the medication completely saved me, I notice if I miss it, the anxiety can show up again. Im not saying everyone should grab a pill, but the stigma attatched with mental illness medication is ridiculous, like I always say, If you break your arm you go to the doctor and get a cast. Likewise, your brain needs repairing and medication can be the very thing it needs to have a break and allow the chemicals to return to stability. I'm all for it, and living proof that God blessed us with knowledge that doctors have used to get this medication available to us. I'd be in a bad place right now without it.
I have JUST changed medication because the one I was on had a massive weight gaining effect on me, it doesn't to everyone, but it does to me. No matter what I eat, or how I exercise. So Im back on an SNRI instead of an SSRI, so if you have any questions please consult your own doctor always. SNRI also target the Noradrenalin receptors in the brain so it has more of a stimualting affect on the brain which can help me a lot with depression and motivation. Each to their own, but I found this works best for me to have the best quality of life, given my situation.
I did try a breakthrough new medication that has just been released and it cost us $200 a pack and it did jack all- hahaha. Certainly can't say we havent tried everything. Hey it was worth a crack.
Oh yeah, I also had an infection in my blood when I had the c-section so my wound got infected. 6cm deep and 11 cm long. whaaaaaaat!! :) Actually somehow God just had it sussed. Going into labor, although unplanned and unnecessary had my doctor come in when he was called, was a really healing experience for me. I felt a connection with Bella because of what my body had gone through, and I was actually begging for the c-section, instead of fearing it like I did with Sam. So it was a very different experience to the last, and I noticed a lot happening around me that was orchestrated by Him. Even the wound infection and being back in hospital for 2 weeks gave me time to get to know Bella and get my head around what had happened before I headed home. Sam was and is amazing, he was brilliant while it all happened and he and Bella adore each other. The only real downside was the pain, and also having to face all the nurses that I had previously abused during labor :) They were beautiful and very forgiving.
As far as my relationship with God goes, this hasn't shaken me. I know I dont feel the love for my kids and my husband and family that I wish I had, I cant remember much and I have the sensation of unreality consistantly. But I am alive, and I know what its like to be riddled with anxiety and not function, so to have been that low and feel that devastation and desperation, I am grateful that I can make Bella's bottles, and pack Sam's lunch and be their mum. I am grateful beyond measure. Am I where I wish I was ? no, not yet. But I still believe the day is coming when my heart and mind will be restored and I hold tight to the promises of Jesus and the love that he surrounds me with everyday- Via Jas and my kiddies and His Word. I know He is using this for his purpose and I know that eternity is where I set my eyes. This life fades and with it fades everything material we have built in this life. I am anchored to the steadfast love and plan of the creator of life, and although I am in a constant storm, I simply cannot be shaken. He holds firm when life blows me around. I always come back to the centre of it all, Jesus. I know in a crisis it is easy to point to God and ask why and how, He never promised an easy life, He promised a firm hand to hold and a loving Father to be with you always, and we my friends, do not deserve that.
Hebrews 6:19- We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
During the holidays Pastor Levi Lusko lost a daughter to a severe asthma attack. His wife Jennie posted a picture of them on their last day together and wrote:
" My last day with Lenya-bird. I love her, I miss her.
We do not lose heart...for our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For those things that we can see are temporary, but the things which we cannot see are eternal."
As life blows its storms, not if it does, but when, anchor yourselves to the only hope that will hold steadfast and strong. Jesus is our anchor. With him, you cannot be snuffed out, no matter how close you feel like you are to being so. I love you all. xoxoxo
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