Hello friends, family and other readers I dont know,
This blog is about learning to be grateful. One of the hardest lessons Ive ever had to learn.
This blog is about learning to be grateful. One of the hardest lessons Ive ever had to learn.
Not wanting to be cliche, but my husband adds a lot of much needed balance and perspective to my selfish and westernised perception of what God should and shouldn't do/be like. Thats a heavy way to start a new blog, but it is what has constantly been put in front of my face lately, so I have had to face it.
I recently saw a doctor who had no prior knowledge of my case, and because all the other doctors have been empathetic and sorry for me, I felt sorry for me, and slipped in and out of being the victim.
But as I told him my story and expected the sympathy, he abruptly said "NO Lisa".
I was kind of in shock but as we went on, I was completely and utterly re-routed in my thinking. I did try to explain that Ive had anxiety forever and that I did actually suffer a lot in my younger years, to that he said,
" you know what Lisa, I was 5 years old in a concentration camp, my mum died in front of me when I was 5 and I then had to live on the streets. Yet still, I can sit here in front of you, and not think like a victim. And in comparison to what Jesus suffered, I endured nothing."
In our culture we really are conditioned to think we are suffering, that because we arent 100% happy or exactly what we want to be in life, that we are owed more, deserve better, have been ripped off.
In saying that, I do have people I know who will read this, who have it really rough and who do really deal with a lot, and I know in our own ways we all do suffer and struggle, this isnt to take away from that at all. It is just the cultural difference in perspective of what true suffering is and the definition of suffering that we relate to in our country and lifestyles. We are living a life others could only ever dream of.
I can remember when I was 5 weeks pregnant with Bella, my nerves sensitised with the hormones and I had a severe anxiety episode ( new name for nervous breakdown- your nerves breaking down :) Although Id felt constant un-reality, all of a sudden the suffering was unbearable. No eating, sleeping, functioning etc.
I remember going to the beach at this time with Jas and Sam and for that half an hour the panic gave me a break. I remember thinking that in that moment, everything was amazing, perfect, of so much value and worth and I was so so grateful to be not suffering to that level. Naturally for a few more weeks the panic haunted me, but all of a sudden my victim mentality that I had been stuck in for years about feeling not present, had been replaced with one of gratitude. Because although I despise the sensation, and hate the lack of connection and reality and emotion, I am alive and even though I cant feel it, others feel loved by me. I can look after my children and I can function. And I am grateful for that, and since being that sick with anxiety, it has helped me so much to think even on the worst days now, at least Im not where I was. Actually I spend a lot of time saying that to myself, and thanking Jesus that I was able to love my babies and be the heart of the home for another day. But naturally as the memory of the anxiety fades, back I creep into the self pity of the depersonalisation/ disassociation. The gratitude gets watered down, and I can feel like I have it the worst possible way. No high 5 for me.
It is so vital to live in the present, to really honestly be so thankful that you got to live today.
Its funny I was cooking tonight and I was using my Nanas tupperware and I thought, she use to cook for her family in this, and now its my turn. A turn. I only get to have a turn. I dont stay 30 years old, I wont always have young little kiddies, I am going to be a Nana before I know it, each year seems to go faster than the last. Its my turn at being this old and being a mum and a wife, before I know it, and if Im lucky enough to get old, I will be off this planet and my turn will be over, as if it never happened. I have no idea who my great great grandparents are, what they loved, who they loved, what they did. They had their turn, and its over. This is heavy, but its true. Make your turn count, make your turn less about you and more about what you are passing on to those around you and after you. Make it less about your house and more about your home, less about how much you have to get done and more about who you are doing it with.
"The real measure of our wealth is how much we would be worth if we lost all our wealth"
I recently saw a doctor who had no prior knowledge of my case, and because all the other doctors have been empathetic and sorry for me, I felt sorry for me, and slipped in and out of being the victim.
But as I told him my story and expected the sympathy, he abruptly said "NO Lisa".
I was kind of in shock but as we went on, I was completely and utterly re-routed in my thinking. I did try to explain that Ive had anxiety forever and that I did actually suffer a lot in my younger years, to that he said,
" you know what Lisa, I was 5 years old in a concentration camp, my mum died in front of me when I was 5 and I then had to live on the streets. Yet still, I can sit here in front of you, and not think like a victim. And in comparison to what Jesus suffered, I endured nothing."
In our culture we really are conditioned to think we are suffering, that because we arent 100% happy or exactly what we want to be in life, that we are owed more, deserve better, have been ripped off.
In saying that, I do have people I know who will read this, who have it really rough and who do really deal with a lot, and I know in our own ways we all do suffer and struggle, this isnt to take away from that at all. It is just the cultural difference in perspective of what true suffering is and the definition of suffering that we relate to in our country and lifestyles. We are living a life others could only ever dream of.
I can remember when I was 5 weeks pregnant with Bella, my nerves sensitised with the hormones and I had a severe anxiety episode ( new name for nervous breakdown- your nerves breaking down :) Although Id felt constant un-reality, all of a sudden the suffering was unbearable. No eating, sleeping, functioning etc.
I remember going to the beach at this time with Jas and Sam and for that half an hour the panic gave me a break. I remember thinking that in that moment, everything was amazing, perfect, of so much value and worth and I was so so grateful to be not suffering to that level. Naturally for a few more weeks the panic haunted me, but all of a sudden my victim mentality that I had been stuck in for years about feeling not present, had been replaced with one of gratitude. Because although I despise the sensation, and hate the lack of connection and reality and emotion, I am alive and even though I cant feel it, others feel loved by me. I can look after my children and I can function. And I am grateful for that, and since being that sick with anxiety, it has helped me so much to think even on the worst days now, at least Im not where I was. Actually I spend a lot of time saying that to myself, and thanking Jesus that I was able to love my babies and be the heart of the home for another day. But naturally as the memory of the anxiety fades, back I creep into the self pity of the depersonalisation/ disassociation. The gratitude gets watered down, and I can feel like I have it the worst possible way. No high 5 for me.
It is so vital to live in the present, to really honestly be so thankful that you got to live today.
Its funny I was cooking tonight and I was using my Nanas tupperware and I thought, she use to cook for her family in this, and now its my turn. A turn. I only get to have a turn. I dont stay 30 years old, I wont always have young little kiddies, I am going to be a Nana before I know it, each year seems to go faster than the last. Its my turn at being this old and being a mum and a wife, before I know it, and if Im lucky enough to get old, I will be off this planet and my turn will be over, as if it never happened. I have no idea who my great great grandparents are, what they loved, who they loved, what they did. They had their turn, and its over. This is heavy, but its true. Make your turn count, make your turn less about you and more about what you are passing on to those around you and after you. Make it less about your house and more about your home, less about how much you have to get done and more about who you are doing it with.
"The real measure of our wealth is how much we would be worth if we lost all our wealth"
I only just really took in the fact that God didn't JUST create the world as it outlines in Genesis and then take his hands off it, he actually holds the earth and life in its place, even right now. My heart beats because He says so, the earth spins because He wills it, the sun rises because this very morning, He chose to let it rise. He holds creation in motion. At any moment, for brilliant reason and well within all rights, God could stop it all. He could take my breath or remove me from existence, or just decide that the earth will stop spinning. Every second, every breath, every moment is a gift that God choses to give. If I didn't view life this way I would be in a constant state of depression. But I've found that finding legitimate reasons to be grateful has actually kept me way from the depressive cycle I use to get myself into with this dissociation and detachment from life. Somedays I am able to be grateful for heaps of things, other days as I said, I am just grateful that I'm not in that constant state of anxiety where I cant function or look after my kids. I am grateful for everyday that I can wake up and take care of them. End of story. Sometimes, well often, the thought comes that I wish so deeply that I could feel love and closeness and connection to the present and past memories but I am learning that it is what I do next that is so vital. Do I self indulge and have a pity-party where only I'm invited, or do I cuddle Bella and Sam and thank God for their health, for my husband, my home, my family, my lifestyle, that we have food for dinner tonight. What we expect God to be and do can get very dangerous. He clearly says who He is, we don't get to change that based on how we feel about Him, percieve him, or what He has or hasn't done for us. I tend to do this A LOT. I get stuck in Lisa-land and decide that my thoughts are correct and I let them roam free. Destructive, depressive negative thoughts.
Once I get hold of one, it takes about half a second for another to follow and another and another until I'm very sad at myself, angry at my situation and nagging God for the things He has already promised me will come to pass. I must be the most annoying person on His radar :) I think for most of the time, I take control back from God. Not always intentionally, but by thinking the way I do an entertaining those thoughts and allowing them to have power, I am investing in and trusting the negative thoughts over what God has to say in His word. That I am more than a conqueror, He turns sorrow into joy, He has a plan to give me hope and a future.
Once I get hold of one, it takes about half a second for another to follow and another and another until I'm very sad at myself, angry at my situation and nagging God for the things He has already promised me will come to pass. I must be the most annoying person on His radar :) I think for most of the time, I take control back from God. Not always intentionally, but by thinking the way I do an entertaining those thoughts and allowing them to have power, I am investing in and trusting the negative thoughts over what God has to say in His word. That I am more than a conqueror, He turns sorrow into joy, He has a plan to give me hope and a future.
The heart can be so very evil. My goodness I know mine is, when I am undisciplined and my thoughts are out of control, my default setting is disgusting. I am not saying this for sympathy, I am saying it because its true ( ask my husband). Without the truth of Jesus and what he does with my life, I am a sight you dont want to see. It isnt a matter of beating myself up, its the realisation that without Jesus, I am empty, and theres nothing else that can make me change for good. It is heaps easier, so much easier to remain in that default setting, its what we know and its what is easiest, but it is what will rob you most. Not pushing through, not committing to change, consistancy, discipline. These words and attibutes are almost foreign in this generation. Pleasure is cheap quick and easy. Nothing has substance or value we are called the " disposable generation". If it breaks, buy another. It needs to stop. We need to stick around and do the hard yards to fix it, build the character it takes to re build and grow. And I really believe, at least for me, that begins with gratitude, the realisation that you are living someone elses dream. That if you can read this, you are most likely in the top 10% of the worlds richest people.
We are so quick to point the finger back at God when we perceive we are suffering, more so now than ever before I hear people blaming God, or demanding answers and explanations for reasons why they aren't living the ideal life they dream of. The problem isnt God, the problem is us. Its our capacity and selfishness and perspective on life. Can I please encourage you to look at what God has to say about suffering, and perseverance, allow His perspective to show you all that you really have, and as He does, may He burn a fire in your belly to help those who are really heavily living the definition of suffering in this world.
Jas was explaining me through all of this a few days ago, because if Im talking to anyone with all of this, Im talking to myself! I was saying to him how my perspective had shifted since seeing this doctor, and that he helped me leave self pity behind. Jas started talking about true suffering, how John the apostle walked with Jesus on earth, and was boiled in oil. He didn't die of his injures and was then exiled to live on an island for the rest of his life ,where he wrote the book of revelation showing that Jesus was God and King of the universe, and never saw a contradiction between God being a God of love, and also being His God while he suffered such things. In fact John was the same John that wrote John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son", and " God is love".
As graphic as it is, other christians were dipped in tar and set on fire as living human candles for emperors, like Nero, to provide light for their parties. The most amazing part, they died "singing praises to God", in fact many thought it was an honour to suffer for the precious name of Jesus.
If the people who went before me had that kind of perspective on suffering, then what the heck am I doing with my life and attitudes. We need our minds renewed by God to lift us out of this temptation that the world feeds us, that we are messed up and deserve better. We deserve nothing, yet Jesus promises us everything. Life and freedom with and in Him now and forever. Wowsers.
It is your turn right now, do all that you possibly can to make it worthwhile. xoxoxox
" The man can neither make, nor retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift."-cs lewis
We are so quick to point the finger back at God when we perceive we are suffering, more so now than ever before I hear people blaming God, or demanding answers and explanations for reasons why they aren't living the ideal life they dream of. The problem isnt God, the problem is us. Its our capacity and selfishness and perspective on life. Can I please encourage you to look at what God has to say about suffering, and perseverance, allow His perspective to show you all that you really have, and as He does, may He burn a fire in your belly to help those who are really heavily living the definition of suffering in this world.
Jas was explaining me through all of this a few days ago, because if Im talking to anyone with all of this, Im talking to myself! I was saying to him how my perspective had shifted since seeing this doctor, and that he helped me leave self pity behind. Jas started talking about true suffering, how John the apostle walked with Jesus on earth, and was boiled in oil. He didn't die of his injures and was then exiled to live on an island for the rest of his life ,where he wrote the book of revelation showing that Jesus was God and King of the universe, and never saw a contradiction between God being a God of love, and also being His God while he suffered such things. In fact John was the same John that wrote John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son", and " God is love".
As graphic as it is, other christians were dipped in tar and set on fire as living human candles for emperors, like Nero, to provide light for their parties. The most amazing part, they died "singing praises to God", in fact many thought it was an honour to suffer for the precious name of Jesus.
If the people who went before me had that kind of perspective on suffering, then what the heck am I doing with my life and attitudes. We need our minds renewed by God to lift us out of this temptation that the world feeds us, that we are messed up and deserve better. We deserve nothing, yet Jesus promises us everything. Life and freedom with and in Him now and forever. Wowsers.
It is your turn right now, do all that you possibly can to make it worthwhile. xoxoxox
" The man can neither make, nor retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift."-cs lewis
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