Butterflies and Caterpillars.

Today I had the privilege of watching the beautiful view from our bedroom, and to watch Bella see a butterfly for the first time. We watched it sit on the blossoms and then all of a sudden, to Bella's amazement, it flew!! Bella couldn't believe it! The butterflies flew up and down and all around the garden. They flew where ever they wanted with abandon. The colours were bright and beautiful, they were free.

In that moment I heard a whisper into my soul. I love these whispers, they have sustained me. Jesus quietly spoke to my heart and revealed to me that as caterpillars, the butterflies lived a completely different life. They didn't know at the time that a transformation was taking place, and in the cocoon, in the darkest time when the world seemed the most bleak, that's when the greatest change of all was taking place. In our cocoons, trials, suffering , the fire refines us. It burns away garbage and whatever it leaves becomes invaluable and strong. The pain in life is what makes us who we are, without it, we would aimlessly walk through life remaining in our own state of selfishness. Suffering forces you to push on and push out and most of all, to let go and fall recklessly into the arms of Jesus. Nothing transforms you like the darkness, and nothing transforms your heart like not being able to survive without the saviour. I spent a the first 4 years of my Brain dissociation blaming god and being full of self pity , truly believing I had it worse than anyone and that I had been abandoned. All I could see was the inside of the cocoon.

In the darkness, in the nights that seemed endless and the panic that seemed to choke my throat, Jesus was transforming me. And he still is. When the days get long now, and the nights don't bring me rest, I have learnt something beautiful, to embrace. I have this unshakeable peace that Jesus is at work, and now I feel privileged, that the one who created the stars and holds them in their place, is beside me. That in all His glory, and all my lacking, He comes to me and meets me and doesn't just show up, but intervenes and creates change in my heart. He bothers with me. He bothers with you. Changing the way I saw this trial literally changed my life, so while I'm in that cocoon, and the darkness seems blinding, I can't help but believe in faith, and with great anticipation, that my beautiful wings will be free one day. And until that day, I will love who I can with what I have, and I will give testament to the greatness of Jesus because without him, with him removed from me, I am nothing. He has done it all.

Sometimes in the cocoon it can be really easy to only see what is around you, blackness, emptiness, loneliness. It can become difficult to remember what is on the other side of this transformation, that there is a world outside that is waiting for us. The pain takes deep root in our minds and eventually our hearts, until it is the filter by which we see the world. Jesus has to constantly smash this cycle in me. Although I always fail and take hold of the bad thoughts, he is always on my case, never leaving me to my own devices. Although on the outside looking in, I haven't been healed, the reality is, I am being refined and prepared and healed in ways I never ever would have, had the darkness not come and knocked on my door.

I am thankful for this burden, I am encouraged by this season of my life. Do I daily , sometimes hourly, wish it away, oh heck yes. But Jesus has done something in my spirit that makes this faze of the transition not only bareable, but something I look forward to.

When the days are heavy my friends, hold on with any and everything. Don't fall victim to the lies that there isn't hope and that you have been forgotten. It is the very opposite. The darkness must always give way to the light. The sun always rises. Hold on dearest ones, Jesus is always near and always at work in your transformation. Xoxox

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