Here's a fun fact. I met Jason when I was a teenager, and I fell in love with him before I actually properly met him. True story.
It was a weird night. I went to this event called Church Together at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre where all the churches in SA , well, come together. I went with my friends and we sat to the side of the stage. I looked down and saw the " 2 bucks crew" a bunch of boys who did crazy stuff together. The worship songs were playing, we were singing.
My eyes wandered over to these single boys, who happened to be my age, skate board, punk music....of course I was there for Jesus ;)
Instantly something ( someone ) caught my eye. Of all of those boys all sitting together down near the stage, one stood. One stood alone, with his strong arms raised to Jesus, and it was real. You could just tell. I was mesmerised. I said then and there to God :
" that is exactly what I want ." At that moment that boy standing up looked over at me!!!! Expecting a cute smile or a wink, I got a thumb-to-nose-wiggling-fingers tongue poke out. Later I would realise this is Jason's love language. The sillies. He loves to laugh.
Years later we would realise that at that exact moment I asked Jesus for someone just like him, Jason looked over to me worshipping and said to God " I've never seen anything more beautiful", and with that , did the nose-tongue poke thing. At the exact same time, two almost strangers asked God for each other. The rest is history...
I do wish that was the happy story to get to where we are now, but unfortunately the story is complex, and I don't think any amount of words could ever come close to explaining what and where we got ourselves too. This year, we have been married for 12 years, and have been together for 14 years.
I'm proud of that. I really am. Our marriage hasn't just happened, we have fought many battles and endured many heartbreaks, to get here. We still endure them.
Since our wedding, 12 of our close friends , 12 couples, have experienced the pain of divorce. Actually we stopped counting about 5 years ago. I'm not saying there isn't good reason for such decisions or advocating for it either. I'm just saying it happened. And regardless of why or how or who, it would be painful. One friend described the dividing of a marriage like flesh being ripped apart. Not a clean cut, but an open wound that is left battered and severed. When 2 people become 1, there are bonds and connections and memories, you become one another. So when it breaks down, it's like trying to separate milo once it's been stirred into milk. Parts of yourself are integrated with someone else.
Time does heal, and there has been times when the right solution is to get someone outta that marriage situation and to safety. But there are also times you should stay, and fight. Fight with everything, and when there's nothing left to fight for or with...keep.fighting.
We did.
We so very nearly didn't.
I'll be forever grateful that Jason and I went through WHAT we did WHEN we did. At the time I wouldn't have believed you when you said that we would make it through. I never thought we could make it back, I had severe anxiety, Jas had a horrible, torturous episode of depression. We had a new born baby boy. It broke our hearts and it broke our spirits.
We were broken in every way possible.
I've said on a blog here before, it was so severe that for a period of time, I wasn't even expecting Jas to walk through the door, I was expecting the police. The darkness that suffocated him was too much to bare, and suicide had so much appeal. There just wasn't hope. We had friends so desperate to reach us and help us, but only we could fight this. Only we could endure it. And we did.
It took years. It took counselling and fighting and counselling and then more fighting. It took walking away, and coming back. Over and over. Years and years. But we never left.
Even when we both desperately wanted to leave and had bags packed, we didn't.
Here's the thing about being together, we are 2 completely different people. We have different hearts and minds, different desires. We are different, so different, but that doesn't mean anything. We made a promise. That means something. That has value. We chose each other that rainy day in 2003 and we chose each other every day. Not because it feels good, but because we make the choice. It takes both of us making that choice.
By all rights our life looks perfect. Best friends, still married and having fun, a son and a daughter, a beautiful home and doing ministry together. Perfect.
However, no one ever is. Don't be fooled. We have the same struggles you do. That's where We have to make a daily choice to God as well. We make a choice to give Him all the heavy burdens of mental illness and hurt, and we make a choice to live today for all its flippen worth. To love who ever we can with whatever we have. To do whatever is in our hands to do, and to do it well. Sometimes what is in my hands for the day, is just to survive, so that's what we do for that day. We survive it. Sometimes we thrive. For years I would dwell on what I didn't have, I would grieve for the feelings that I couldn't access and the memories that were empty. And they still are, but daily choices change everything. Every single choice gets you somewhere.
My Instagram if full of our life, good, bad, stinky, funny, because that's us. What you see is what you Get. Jas and I have always been big On being real. I think because we lay it all out for people and let our lives be accessible, people see a lot more than they may with the average couple. And I'm ok with that. Transparency is so important, With each other, with our friends, with our world.
There is also a time and a place for protecting each other and privacy, but we agree on what we think will benefit people, regardless of how it portrays us. Some of the most helpful things I took away over the years, have been things learned while watching others, who opened their life up to us in the same way. If we can help anyone on their Journey, by sharing ours, we are up for it.
He's the biggest pain in my butt, and I in his, but blinken heck I love him. I love him.
I won't stop loving him, you know how I know? Because love is not a feeling, love is a decision. And every day we wake up and chose each other all over again, even if we chose each other why wanting to set fire to each other :) We still do it. For the rest of my days I will chose him. When life sucks, because it does for all of us at times, making the right choices is so vital, regardless of feelings.
Jason has the most pure heart. He loves people like I've never known possible. He has no desire for worldly treasure, money means nothing to him. Only people matter. I love him. I chose him. The end.
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