So....after so many conversations with so many amazing, capable, brilliant people who also suffer, , I've decided to write about the outs and ins of the anxiety / depression experiences I had/ have, and what has helped/ not helped.
I read an extremely intellectual article this week about mental illness and physical illness. A comparative piece about how if we could physically show what's happening in our bodies, what the reaction would be of the world around us.
I often say to my husband if I'm suffering, "please picture me right now with my arm severed. With blood oozing and absolute agony. I'm suffering in a real way and I need you to know. "
Anxiety isn't just feeling worried and depression isn't being sad.
Anxiety and depression are obsessive, irrational onslaughts of a million thoughts that cannot be slowed down. It's all consuming. It isn't feeling scared, or worried, it's a chemical reaction that literally tells your brain that you are in a situation where your life is at risk. Even though you are sitting in church, or in a cafe drinking coffee or in the bath. There are messages being sent and received within the walls of your brain matter, that are reacting as if you have a gun pointed at your head. Your heart is beating and your body is in panic mode, and it's the most confusing feeling in the world because you are normally sitting on your couch at home in comfort and safety surrounded by love. It attacks you with no warning and no reason.
I remember watching Beauty and The Geek with my Mum. We had just been shopping, I was 5 weeks pregnant with Bella, and we were laughing. Like actually laughing out loud when it hit me, out of no where. In less than a second I was "sick again". Really sick.
This begun 5 weeks of the worst in my life, but the relief arrived. Let me explain:
When nerves completely "break down" ( nervous break-down) it is that state of panic as described- fight or flight, but it is continuous. And when I say continuous, I mean every second of every day and night. It is utter panic and sheer horror. It takes such a toll on your body because it has adrenalin pumping non-stop, heart palpitations, utter terror. As if you were watching a family member being killed in front of you. It's there in Kmart, and on your lunch break, and in the toilet and every. single. second that you try to sleep.
This is where medication completely saved my life and my baby when I was pregnant with Bella. Once yours nerves are shot and you get to the point of nervous break down (where the chemicals are completely and utterly so messed up and imbalanced), it takes 5 weeks for the medication to get into the bloodstream and take full affect. That is if you accept medication, if not, it can last months.
Let me say, they were 5 weeks from the bottom of the pit of hell. Everyone you love watching you suffer, knowing no one can do anything but wait it out. Wait for the medication to do its thing. Nervous breakdowns are my biggest fear and the worst thing I have ever experienced on this earth to date.
It has happened to me twice in my life.
The first time was right after I had Sam ( which was so severe it lead to hospitalsation and the dissociation of my brain , which has subsequently never recovered -as yet).
I remember not sleeping and my legs shaking and my body almost convulsing with agitation and panic. At this point I had zero idea of what was happening to me.My Mum was running around asking why my body was shaking so violently.
(Now, once the symptoms start I can see it a mile away ,although since taking small doses of medication consistently, I've never had it return.)
But with Sam's birth and the hormones and shock of surgery and nearly losing him, the panic ravaged my body. They had me on heart machines and plugged into monitors, they were checking for heart failure and talking about cardiac arrest.
It's post natal anxiety, you silly people.
Do some research. You are supposed to be Doctors.
Here's the part I have to constantly give God. Daily, hourly. The state I'm stuck in, where I feel constantly removed and watching from behind glass with little emotion, that was so absolutely preventable. Would I have learnt all of the millions of life lessons and built the character without it? nope. But will I do anything in my power to prevent someone else going through it?
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!
I just wish one of the nurses- doctors, ANYONE walked in and saw me in shock and sweating with the air-conditioner already full-blast on me, and not eating or sleeping for days and could say to me or any of my family- she's not well. She needs some help.
That feeling I described before...The one that's relentless, where you can't stop panic and utter terror no matter where you go or what you do? I had that, non-stop, for the first 3 months of being a mother. 3 months- not a seconds break. Not a wink of sleep. At one point I was taking 6 sleeping tablets a night and they literally did NOTHING to the adrenalin and panic. I was barely eating, my family were forcing fruit-shakes down my throat so I could at least get something Into my body. I didn't get up to my son at night, my Mum had him. I layed away shaking, trembling, so beyond exhausted there are no words, but no way of getting sleep. I was back in emergency each night trying to get some kind of help, relief. My strong Daddy would cry and scream for someone to do something. That, I will never ever forget. I remember laying on the floor in emergency and hearing my Dad crying, just begging.
" do something for her".
Why didn't someone do something? Why didnt someone know? Why did that amount of anxiety for that amount of time (which lead to a weird brain condition that I can't control), why didn't someone see that?
I suffered and I didn't have to. I couldn't be with my son and I can't get that back. I can't function properly now after 8 years and I don't know how many more years I will add to that. I can't access memories. And I cannot sit by and not raise the alarm and not be the sign post for other sufferers. I am here saying, I know what your going through, I know the hell, and I know the help. There is help.
It took me 2 psychiatrists and 3 psychologist to get to an actual diagnosis and treatment. Treatment that had I been given in the first weeks of my sons birth, would have completely altered my life and the last 8.5 years. I don't want it to take you all of that time and lesson learning, I want you to know it here and now. Medication and the awareness that therapy and education gave me, completely changed my life.
Medication is a gift. It is a lifeline. It isn't something to be ashamed of.
Like I've said so many times, anxiety and depression is simply your body being injured-unwell. If you had pre-eclampsia or a broken leg, you would go straight to get the help you need to survive. This is NO DIFFERENT. The only difference is it affects your brain chemicals and hormones instead of bones or blood.
Get help, and get it NOW.
The second time my nerves broke down and unrelenting anxiety and depression crippled me, was mentioned earlier, while pregnant and watching Beauty and The Geek. Like I said, I was sitting on the couch laughing, and in a split second after hormones hit, it was all over. Hell...
My parents cancelling plans on my behalf all of a sudden, my Son asking for cheese-toast and me looking blankly back at him unable to move. While I shook in a ball on the floor worrying about what it was doing to this barely formed baby, the world kept spinning and asking where I went. I remember going outside and just crying and screaming- how has this happened again?
But you know what...it was so very different. It was different because I knew what was happening. I knew that what was happening was physical, it was pregnancy enduced, and it would pass. You know what, it did just that. By 12 weeks at my scan, it was just a bad memory and I carried on as I otherwise would have.
I went straight on medication and I'm not ashamed of it. I have taken it every day since.
The second it hit, I took a high dose of safe medication for my entire pregnancy (SSRI) and you know what? It completely changed my life. I had an anxiety free pregnancy and birth. I held my daughter after birth, instead of going into unconsciousness and shock as I did with my son. I fed her a bottle because I wanted to and because it was best for us.
And you know what else....?
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You are going to be ok. This is going to pass.
Tell someone you love what is happening, show them this blog, show the doctor if you have to and GET.SOME.HELP.
You don't have to suffer.
You are not alone.
All my love xxx
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| ok...well maybe she isn't perfect,,,,:) |
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