Anchored To Hope

Hello my lovely people. So I did not get the sleep I intended to last night but at least Sam gave me a little sleep in so it was ok. It is official that I am Anna Kate's favourite person. Yes yes yes, we have fun and I got smiles and tongue pokes. How cute can one baby neice be!! So we have some holidays planned which is a good thing. Although my perception of time and lack of emotion doesnt make me heaps excited for them, I still am really looking forward to them which is a good thing for sure. Family holidays are good for me because I have really limited memories of Sam and his little life, but the things I can recall are often on those holidays we took. I will love it and enjoy the moments as they come. I found my thoughts a little tricky today as I was constantly assessing where I was at and if things felt 'normal'. It does get incredibly repetative and draining but in the big picture, things could be worse so I will hold onto the things I do have. I wish things were a...

Just a little quick one tonight, my body is asking me for more sleep. I'd still like to say a big thankyou to everyone for your support and love. I'm in the process of replies so I will get to you I promise. Today was relatively uneventful, still snuck in a cuddle with my newborn niece Anna:) Sam is growing up way to fast, just the words and sentences he comes out with! Ive been Trying to remember him as a baby but I'm having a bit of a fuzzy day. Somewhat detached. All you can do is take the good with the bad but it's important for my readers who Are suffering anxiety and depression/ depersonalization, that you know it's ok to be good and bad, it is normal and part of the process. We have all been there. It is never nice but it won't last forever. Isn't it funny how it's really hard to live in the moment, I always seem to look forward and think that once I reach a certain point I will be satisfied or more content. The truth is moments happen every day...

My niece loves me...YAY! She looks for me when someone else is holding her and when I talk to her she listens intently. It might be my dashing good looks, it might also be that I act like an insane ( excuse the pun :) preschooler when I talk to her and use any part of my body that will, to make a noise at her. She is just learning to smile, I am yet to receive one, but I am told her mummy did get 2 yesterday. Its funny how they go from being newborns, to adapting to the world in a matter of weeks. She is taking stuff in and learning who we are, she even copies me when I poke my tongue out! But seriously, how crazy is creation! That from nothing being in  our tummies, comes a baby with eyes and organs and an incredible brain. Where does all that stuff come from??? Like I know where so don't all reply with your dirty minds:), but I mean even when I was pregnant I'd look at my tummy and think, there is definitely no eyes in there to give a baby so how did he come out with them?!...

Hey Guys, Thanks again for all the support and feedback and encouragement. I know I say it a lot, but I really appreciate the time and thought you are sending my way. I will try my best to grab some time and reply to the facebook messages and emails. You are all very very lovely and are helping me a great deal. When I first told Jas ( my husband) about the idea of doing this blog and sharing my story, he suggested that I write about what it takes to help get through/get someone else through mental illness. Kinda like what our friends did to help when we needed it most, and what really worked and maybe what didn't. A lot of us have either experienced depression/anxiety first hand, if not extremely closely. It seems to be everywhere and without a clear message of what it is, or how to get through. I would never had considered myself a depressed person, but as I look back through my life I realise my idea of depressed was actually different to that of its actual meaning. I always...

I am sunburnt! horray! It has been a long time. It was an accident as I am not used to the sun actually shining in little old Adelaide. Today was a wedding, a beautiful wedding. It was at the beach, it was 2 people actually in love. It was old friends who feel like time never passed, and it was fun. Something beautiful happened to me today, my dear friend Courtney gave me a gift, and  it has helped me take the next steps in this journey.  We were chatting about life and where we were at, she suffers similar to me in some aspects so we share a lot. As we were talking she looked me in the eyes and said " we actually are going to get better, we are going to be strong and full of life". I believed her. In a time where I am flicking between trying to convince myself that I am going to get better, or trying to accept that maybe this is my life now, a moment of faith spoke into my future. I believe that I am going to be myself again, maybe the best version of myself I have ever be...

Today will be short and sweet. I sometimes find it amazing how well God knows us. Like really knows us down to the finest details. Like somehow in the walk of life I find beautiful people who add so much to my life and make me laugh and cry. Some are interstate, international, and some are on the couch next to me. You are there, and I feel you and I love you. Today I had a day off from Sam, jas took him up to see his friend Caleb and I stayed home with a funny tummy. Damn you ikea food! I think I think too much but it's not always bad. It's about 2 weeks till I see Marcus my doctor again and this time he asked me to bring jas along, should be interesting :) I'm feeling a little trapped in my body today and am aware that things aren't right, but as I get ready to sleep I have a beautiful healthy boy, a loving faithful husband,our own home, amazing friends and everything we need. So although I can't fully take it in, in the capacity I want to, the Fact remains that a...

Beautiful people, you have changed me. Thankyou is not enough to say for all of the emails and love you have all sent and shared my way. I feel like I dont deserve all of the lovely things you are saying. I think any courage or strength I show in all of this is Jesus in my heart, and my amazing friends and family. I appreciate the encouragement immensly and love you all deeply. Today, Ive been trying to give credit to, and pay closer attention to the feelings I do experience and the life I do have. Although things feel constantly "not real", I notice I am still protective of Sam. My beautiful sister shared with me yesterday how my relationship with Sam appears, and it helped me put things in perspective. I can't fall victim through this and call my whole life a write-off because I dont feel normal/myself. The truth is no matter how severe the depersonalisation is, my protective nature for Sam always kicks in. I can be having the worst day ever and feel like not leaving ...

Hello Friends, Firstly, thank you. It has been incredibly encouraging and lovely to recieve so much feedback and personal stories from you all.  Thank you for listening and caring. Isn't depression and anxiety such a...a...cough cough, I won't insert the words that first came to mind :) It affects so many of us and we struggle through, mostly alone. Lets talk about it, get it out, get help, get better. I love you all so very much. Today was a good day, we went to the zoo with friends, Sam was funny. He is starting to remember things that I don't and it makes me sad, but I think part of that is also plain old life. Enrollments for kindy went thru today and Sammy is starting next term.  Crazy!!! My niece Anna is too cute, I love to cuddle her ( although I try to dismiss the constant self analysis " do I love her?", " should I feel more towards her", silly old brain). The fact is, shes damn cute :) A few of you asked so I thought I'd update on the ...

So here we go. Its overwhelming and kind of I'm possible to try and put into words the last 3 nearly 4 years. As a pregnant mummy, I was besotted with Sam ( my son). Every kick, every ultrasound, heartbeat I got to hear, it was more than I ever expected it would be. Amazing. I'd look in the baby book everyday, see how big he was in my tummy, what he was developing, I was already so incredibly proud of my baby and he wasnt even born yet. But the pain that was about to unfold was nothing I was prepared for. Looking back I should have seen it coming. I have had cronic anxiety my entire life. I spent a lot of my childhood and majority of high school life riddled with panic and fear. Not average fear... daily, gripping, life threatning panic that my parents would die, or my husband would be in a car accident, I'd start to panic before he was even late home. I would visualise their funerals everyday and cry at the thought, feel every feeling as if it were happening. I grew up ...