Hello my lovely people.
So I did not get the sleep I intended to last night but at least Sam gave me a little sleep in so it was ok. It is official that I am Anna Kate's favourite person. Yes yes yes, we have fun and I got smiles and tongue pokes. How cute can one baby neice be!! So we have some holidays planned which is a good thing. Although my perception of time and lack of emotion doesnt make me heaps excited for them, I still am really looking forward to them which is a good thing for sure. Family holidays are good for me because I have really limited memories of Sam and his little life, but the things I can recall are often on those holidays we took. I will love it and enjoy the moments as they come. I found my thoughts a little tricky today as I was constantly assessing where I was at and if things felt 'normal'. It does get incredibly repetative and draining but in the big picture, things could be worse so I will hold onto the things I do have. I wish things were a little different, but Im sure lots of people feel like that to and the true test of our character is in times such as these I reckon. I am only facing the days because Jesus gives me strength, even when I cant 'feel' Him.
I took Sammy to an indoor playground with his cousins Mikey and Anna and his girlfriend/almost sister Molly. They were playing well but as usual Sammy is drawn to the big boys. I went to find where he was on the playground and I saw a boy hold him and punch him quite hard in the tummy. My heart broke but more so my protective side pounced. I ran up to the boys and was just about to let that kid have it, when I heard Sam speak for himself. I heard him say " boy you hurt me, that is not a good friend", and walked away, he didnt call names or hit back. I realised a few things at that moment. One, my parenting had somewhat paid off, the continous attention paid to his behaviour (sometimes it feels in vain) had sunk in along the way, he had reacted in the exact way I had taught him. Two, when this first happened I followed him around the playground to protect him and make sure he was safe. Then I realised he is starting kindy in 1 week, I cant protect him there. I was losing control over who influenced him. What if I hadnt been there? What if he reacted different and copied the boy and now behaves like that to other kids because he was shown it by someone other than me? Soon I will not be the only one who influences him anymore. When you have a kid, well when I had Sam, I kinda thought he would be all mine until he was a lot older, teenager maybe, but really Im sending him into the world next week! What I have taught him starts to take its place in the world as of his first day of kindy next week! The thing that freaks me out to is that not only is my parenting entering the lives of other children through Sam, but other peoples parenting or lack there of, will be entering Sams world too.
It happened so soon!!!! Whether we are ready for it or not. My boy is growing up. Id like to follow him around and make sure no one picks on him, or make sure he puts his pants back on after he does a wee ( he has a bad habit of going to the toilet and running around nude after). But soon that choice wont be mine to make. Isnt life funny how life always changes, that nothing is permanent. I struggle with that. I think thats why I was always fixated with the fear of my parents dying because it would change the permanency of the safe life I had. Its funny, I still feel 16. I feel like im a little kid who somehow has been married for 7 years and has a child! My Nana who is in her late 70's said to me last week that she looks in the mirror and says "who is that old woman staring back at me?". Nana said she still feels 21. In her mind she cannot believe she in an old lady. Its wierd that we dont feel ourselves age, until you look back and think I finished school 10 years ago. Our life is ticking away, we are all getting older. The best we can do is make our lives count for today, right now, instead of always waiting to be somewhere else better, or on that holiday, or in that new house. Take a minute to have a good look at the people you have now, the friends, family, life you have right now and soak it in. It may be gone in a flash. Make right now the best time in your life. No regrets. Today will never happen again.
Hope it was a good day for you all, lots of love. xxoo
Ps If this is your first visit to this blog, can I encourage you to go to the first blog I wrote to get a good background on its purpose. xo
So I did not get the sleep I intended to last night but at least Sam gave me a little sleep in so it was ok. It is official that I am Anna Kate's favourite person. Yes yes yes, we have fun and I got smiles and tongue pokes. How cute can one baby neice be!! So we have some holidays planned which is a good thing. Although my perception of time and lack of emotion doesnt make me heaps excited for them, I still am really looking forward to them which is a good thing for sure. Family holidays are good for me because I have really limited memories of Sam and his little life, but the things I can recall are often on those holidays we took. I will love it and enjoy the moments as they come. I found my thoughts a little tricky today as I was constantly assessing where I was at and if things felt 'normal'. It does get incredibly repetative and draining but in the big picture, things could be worse so I will hold onto the things I do have. I wish things were a little different, but Im sure lots of people feel like that to and the true test of our character is in times such as these I reckon. I am only facing the days because Jesus gives me strength, even when I cant 'feel' Him.
I took Sammy to an indoor playground with his cousins Mikey and Anna and his girlfriend/almost sister Molly. They were playing well but as usual Sammy is drawn to the big boys. I went to find where he was on the playground and I saw a boy hold him and punch him quite hard in the tummy. My heart broke but more so my protective side pounced. I ran up to the boys and was just about to let that kid have it, when I heard Sam speak for himself. I heard him say " boy you hurt me, that is not a good friend", and walked away, he didnt call names or hit back. I realised a few things at that moment. One, my parenting had somewhat paid off, the continous attention paid to his behaviour (sometimes it feels in vain) had sunk in along the way, he had reacted in the exact way I had taught him. Two, when this first happened I followed him around the playground to protect him and make sure he was safe. Then I realised he is starting kindy in 1 week, I cant protect him there. I was losing control over who influenced him. What if I hadnt been there? What if he reacted different and copied the boy and now behaves like that to other kids because he was shown it by someone other than me? Soon I will not be the only one who influences him anymore. When you have a kid, well when I had Sam, I kinda thought he would be all mine until he was a lot older, teenager maybe, but really Im sending him into the world next week! What I have taught him starts to take its place in the world as of his first day of kindy next week! The thing that freaks me out to is that not only is my parenting entering the lives of other children through Sam, but other peoples parenting or lack there of, will be entering Sams world too.
It happened so soon!!!! Whether we are ready for it or not. My boy is growing up. Id like to follow him around and make sure no one picks on him, or make sure he puts his pants back on after he does a wee ( he has a bad habit of going to the toilet and running around nude after). But soon that choice wont be mine to make. Isnt life funny how life always changes, that nothing is permanent. I struggle with that. I think thats why I was always fixated with the fear of my parents dying because it would change the permanency of the safe life I had. Its funny, I still feel 16. I feel like im a little kid who somehow has been married for 7 years and has a child! My Nana who is in her late 70's said to me last week that she looks in the mirror and says "who is that old woman staring back at me?". Nana said she still feels 21. In her mind she cannot believe she in an old lady. Its wierd that we dont feel ourselves age, until you look back and think I finished school 10 years ago. Our life is ticking away, we are all getting older. The best we can do is make our lives count for today, right now, instead of always waiting to be somewhere else better, or on that holiday, or in that new house. Take a minute to have a good look at the people you have now, the friends, family, life you have right now and soak it in. It may be gone in a flash. Make right now the best time in your life. No regrets. Today will never happen again.
Hope it was a good day for you all, lots of love. xxoo
Ps If this is your first visit to this blog, can I encourage you to go to the first blog I wrote to get a good background on its purpose. xo
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