A Mothers Love

Beautiful people, you have changed me. Thankyou is not enough to say for all of the emails and love you have all sent and shared my way. I feel like I dont deserve all of the lovely things you are saying. I think any courage or strength I show in all of this is Jesus in my heart, and my amazing friends and family. I appreciate the encouragement immensly and love you all deeply.

Today, Ive been trying to give credit to, and pay closer attention to the feelings I do experience and the life I do have. Although things feel constantly "not real", I notice I am still protective of Sam. My beautiful sister shared with me yesterday how my relationship with Sam appears, and it helped me put things in perspective. I can't fall victim through this and call my whole life a write-off because I dont feel normal/myself. The truth is no matter how severe the depersonalisation is, my protective nature for Sam always kicks in. I can be having the worst day ever and feel like not leaving the house or getting out of bed or I feel like im feeling nothing at all, yet I go to a playground and a kid picks on Sam...LOOK OUT! This other side of me comes out. Isnt it amazing how even though I feel like the world is a big balloon sometimes, mothers instincts have no bounds. There is pretty much nothing that can break the inbuilt care and concern I have for Sam. I think thats amazing, I think its beautiful.

Being a mum helps me see God as less of a giant and more of a daddy. If I feel like this about Sam, and I have a disorder affecting feelings, then imagine the way God sees us!!!!!! I wish I could grasp it. Dont get me wrong in all of this, I question God, all the time. I ask Him where the heck he is, why this is happening, how long this will take, has He forgotten me. But I also know that He Has never left me somewhere alone where I couldnt cope. I am utterly surrounded by the most amazing family, and I am not just saying amazing, they are the most incredible people I know. I have beautiful, funny, intelligent, selfless, consistant friends who have seen me through this. In essence, even though I cant always feel God, I feel like I am surrounded by Him because of the people He has placed around me. I choose to hold onto Him because I reckon Hes holding onto me pretty tight too. Isnt it crazy how kids, especially our own, can do nothing to earn our love or pride. Their very existance captivates our hearts. This is how our God, creator, daddy, feels about us. There is nothing we could ever do to earn His love and protection, trust me if it was about how well behaved we were, lets just say I'd be in big big trouble. I mean big. Mum can vouch for all the years...:)

Sam is seriously hilarious. He is the energetic ball of funniness, naughtiness, and beautifulness(?), in other words, he is amazing. Im not biased. He is already compassionate, loving, socially aware, protective. I couldnt be prouder. Jas is an absolutely incredible Dad, Sam idolises him. (He better still love mummy when he is a big boy!! ) Speaking of which , He has been quiet for a few mintues now which normally means he has found something naughty to do so I better fly.

Thanks again for your ongoing support. Lots of love xxoo

Comments

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