Hello Friends,
Firstly, thank you. It has been incredibly encouraging and lovely to recieve so much feedback and personal stories from you all. Thank you for listening and caring. Isn't depression and anxiety such a...a...cough cough, I won't insert the words that first came to mind :) It affects so many of us and we struggle through, mostly alone. Lets talk about it, get it out, get help, get better. I love you all so very much.
Today was a good day, we went to the zoo with friends, Sam was funny. He is starting to remember things that I don't and it makes me sad, but I think part of that is also plain old life. Enrollments for kindy went thru today and Sammy is starting next term. Crazy!!! My niece Anna is too cute, I love to cuddle her ( although I try to dismiss the constant self analysis " do I love her?", " should I feel more towards her", silly old brain). The fact is, shes damn cute :)
A few of you asked so I thought I'd update on the medication I have taken/ am trying. So I was on Zoloft for 2 years and went off with the help of Marcus ( doctor) to see what my baseline was without medication. Basically I went off for 8 weeks and I was exactly the same. Incredibly detatched, so we soon worked out it was not the medication making me feel in a movie. There are some crazy therapies they try to work with your brain, absolutely fascinating. Basically, brain fragments can play a massive part in depersonalisation. Fragments are caused by trauma that the body cant handle so that part of your brain seperates itself in order to protect you and keep you safe. Marcus tried some therapy to see if there was anything there that caused my initial anxiety as a kid, or the detatchment during having Sam. Nothing much happened at the start of the session, but towards the end all of a sudden out of nowhere I had a huge panic attack and hyperventilated. Marcus was actually pleased and saw it as progress, haha, a good thing though I suppose. He is so lovely, I couldnt even imagine a better suited doctor for me, Jesus knows me well.
After the therapy I actually started having really bad depression and not wanting to be alive, so at the point Marcus but me on some medication and it helped a lot. It is a new medication that targets different brain receptors. Depersonalisation is weird, it can go away by itself randomly, or medication can help break the cycle that the brain is stuck in. So we are in the process of trying different things just to see if it helps. He is confident that now is the right time to be fighting this with everything and fighting for a better quality of life for me. I asked him if I should just accept it as how my life will be forever, and he believed with the treatment options left, and with Jesus, that recovery is very much a reality.
This is where my mind takes over from my heart. I feel like I then join in a massive long line of people who need to be healed. As I said to Marcus, I can think of a stack of people who could do with a miracle or 2 way before I need one. Im confused if its God plan to leave me like this, because I am such a more shallow version of who I could be, then again He is making me strong even if I don't so much feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm convincing Him to heal me because I could do so much for His kingdom, and live such a fuller life.Silly old me making bargains with God ( even as I write I think, Hes reading this...browny points!!!!!)
But jokes aside, Im scared of the day Sam emotinally outgrows me. Where the things I forget, cost him. I feel for Jas, I want to be the best wife ever.
A lot of this blog will feel like I am just talking about myself, but the truth is when I was in the deepest part of anxiety and depression, I searched high and low for a story like mine.I just wanted to know someone else knew how it all feels. So I want, even silly details, to offer that to you all. We are in this together, we are all fighting something. God is always carrying us through, If we didnt need him to help us survive, we would require no faith. I keep telling Him Ive learnt enough now and Im ready to come back to being me, but He knows. He created the silly Lisa, the naughty cheeky Lisa, and the scared Lisa, and whether I feel it or not, He has created me for such a time as this and I will hold firm to that promise even if life points to no hope.
Thanks for listening, let me know how you are all going too. Lets talk about the stuff we hide. Its so much better in the long run. All my love xxoo
Firstly, thank you. It has been incredibly encouraging and lovely to recieve so much feedback and personal stories from you all. Thank you for listening and caring. Isn't depression and anxiety such a...a...cough cough, I won't insert the words that first came to mind :) It affects so many of us and we struggle through, mostly alone. Lets talk about it, get it out, get help, get better. I love you all so very much.
Today was a good day, we went to the zoo with friends, Sam was funny. He is starting to remember things that I don't and it makes me sad, but I think part of that is also plain old life. Enrollments for kindy went thru today and Sammy is starting next term. Crazy!!! My niece Anna is too cute, I love to cuddle her ( although I try to dismiss the constant self analysis " do I love her?", " should I feel more towards her", silly old brain). The fact is, shes damn cute :)
A few of you asked so I thought I'd update on the medication I have taken/ am trying. So I was on Zoloft for 2 years and went off with the help of Marcus ( doctor) to see what my baseline was without medication. Basically I went off for 8 weeks and I was exactly the same. Incredibly detatched, so we soon worked out it was not the medication making me feel in a movie. There are some crazy therapies they try to work with your brain, absolutely fascinating. Basically, brain fragments can play a massive part in depersonalisation. Fragments are caused by trauma that the body cant handle so that part of your brain seperates itself in order to protect you and keep you safe. Marcus tried some therapy to see if there was anything there that caused my initial anxiety as a kid, or the detatchment during having Sam. Nothing much happened at the start of the session, but towards the end all of a sudden out of nowhere I had a huge panic attack and hyperventilated. Marcus was actually pleased and saw it as progress, haha, a good thing though I suppose. He is so lovely, I couldnt even imagine a better suited doctor for me, Jesus knows me well.
After the therapy I actually started having really bad depression and not wanting to be alive, so at the point Marcus but me on some medication and it helped a lot. It is a new medication that targets different brain receptors. Depersonalisation is weird, it can go away by itself randomly, or medication can help break the cycle that the brain is stuck in. So we are in the process of trying different things just to see if it helps. He is confident that now is the right time to be fighting this with everything and fighting for a better quality of life for me. I asked him if I should just accept it as how my life will be forever, and he believed with the treatment options left, and with Jesus, that recovery is very much a reality.
This is where my mind takes over from my heart. I feel like I then join in a massive long line of people who need to be healed. As I said to Marcus, I can think of a stack of people who could do with a miracle or 2 way before I need one. Im confused if its God plan to leave me like this, because I am such a more shallow version of who I could be, then again He is making me strong even if I don't so much feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm convincing Him to heal me because I could do so much for His kingdom, and live such a fuller life.Silly old me making bargains with God ( even as I write I think, Hes reading this...browny points!!!!!)
But jokes aside, Im scared of the day Sam emotinally outgrows me. Where the things I forget, cost him. I feel for Jas, I want to be the best wife ever.
A lot of this blog will feel like I am just talking about myself, but the truth is when I was in the deepest part of anxiety and depression, I searched high and low for a story like mine.I just wanted to know someone else knew how it all feels. So I want, even silly details, to offer that to you all. We are in this together, we are all fighting something. God is always carrying us through, If we didnt need him to help us survive, we would require no faith. I keep telling Him Ive learnt enough now and Im ready to come back to being me, but He knows. He created the silly Lisa, the naughty cheeky Lisa, and the scared Lisa, and whether I feel it or not, He has created me for such a time as this and I will hold firm to that promise even if life points to no hope.
Thanks for listening, let me know how you are all going too. Lets talk about the stuff we hide. Its so much better in the long run. All my love xxoo
"Im confused if its God plan to leave me like this, because I am such a more shallow version of who I could be"
ReplyDeleteMan, this really resonated with me. Living at half-capacity really doesn't help with the whole God-is-good-thing, does it?
It especially hurts to see that we can't support and be there for the people we love to the capacity we know we are capable of.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and willingness to share <3
I totally feel your pain. One of the silver linings in it all is that because of the journey of slow healing, I’ve been able to walk people through the same thing. What feels like half - capacity to us doesn’t always feel like that to those around us- so keep living and loving, you’re amazing.
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