Hey folks, thanks for reading again. I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement. You are lovely.
So today is an emotional day, especially for queenslanders in our country. Our prayers are with you xxoo
I was hesitant to blog today, wanting to be sensitive to the natural disasters happening so closely around us, and also because it is an emotional day.
A combination of my parents leaving for overseas for a month, and it being Sams birthday. We fit so much into one day, mcdonalds for breakfast, pizza hut for lunch, yogi bear at the movies, slip and slide, pirate ship dinner...massive day. So my little baby is 4. For those dealing with the same/similar condition as me you would know what I mean when I say I literally dont know where the years have gone. I think a sad thing is that Sams birthday is always going to be hard for me. I need to make it about him and his life, not about me. But I was saying to Jas on the way home tonight, it is really hard having Sams birthday, also being an anniversary of the worst day of my life. That when I think back to when he was born, the memories arent loving cuddles with my newborn, they are traumatic and actually hard to bring to the surface. I think my brain has some how safely tucked those painful memories away. That day will always be painful for my memories, but again its a choice to make it about Sam, because regardless of what I am going through, he matters most.
Most days feel the same, so one symptom that is hard to describe is that there are no timelines. It doesnt feel like 4 years has passed, it feels like the same day has been repeating itself. I dont look at Sam and think, "wow my little baby that I fed and rocked to sleep, is grown up". It actually isn't like that at all. So if you feel the same as me, try not to analyse it too much, I just look at the boy I have today and enjoy what I can of him. I know its hard, hopefully this time in our lives isn't permanent.
One thing I struggle with in my thoughts is that today is an anniversary of the day that I lost myself. The day that I slipped into a depersonalised state that I cant seem to shake out of. It breaks my heart when I think of what I am missing, I wonder what other people are feeling on a normal day. Like Sams first real day of kindy tomorrow, not as a pre entry, but as a 4 year old kindy boy. I should feel sadness and excitement, and grief and pride. Yet I just walk through the day as if it were just another day passing by.
I am not dying, but Im not living...
That sentence for me, sums up the disorder. You appear to be experiencing life the same as those around you, but there are fundamental core emotions and responses that are missing, and it takes a massive chunk out of life.It takes a massive chunk out of who you are. The struggle of my heart is, is the God I believe in going to leave me in this state for the next 60 years? Because if yes, its a long road ahead.
4 years today....will I still be counting 20 years from now?
Sorry for the sad report tonight. But these are the aches of my heart, the ever present thoughts that go through my head all day everyday. When am I coming back? When will I wake up and feel present and real? When will I look and Sam with the pride and adoration that he deserves more than anything? It drains me, and it makes me tired, and it sometimes makes me hopeless. Like I always say, we all have our battles, and we wish them away as soon as possible. But the truth is, there are some battles that people do fight their whole life. There is gripping grief of losing loved ones that stays with you for years to come, and sicknesses that are incurable that people have to wake up to and live with everyday. Some of our battles are long, and hard, and ever present. I guess what I am learning is that there isnt always a quick fix, and sometimes God sustaining us through our entire life is what we will need in this life. Maybe waiting for a way out isnt the right way to get through the storm. As Marcus and every one says, I will get through this, you will get through this. But man those days where your brain tells you that you cant, they are hard days. We all have them, let this be the voice that echos into the darkness that you feel...you will come out of this.
Man the cyclone is getting close :( How helpless to sit on my couch and watch as people experience utter devastation before my eyes. Thoughts and prayers go to queenslands tonight. We love you. xxxooo
So today is an emotional day, especially for queenslanders in our country. Our prayers are with you xxoo
I was hesitant to blog today, wanting to be sensitive to the natural disasters happening so closely around us, and also because it is an emotional day.
A combination of my parents leaving for overseas for a month, and it being Sams birthday. We fit so much into one day, mcdonalds for breakfast, pizza hut for lunch, yogi bear at the movies, slip and slide, pirate ship dinner...massive day. So my little baby is 4. For those dealing with the same/similar condition as me you would know what I mean when I say I literally dont know where the years have gone. I think a sad thing is that Sams birthday is always going to be hard for me. I need to make it about him and his life, not about me. But I was saying to Jas on the way home tonight, it is really hard having Sams birthday, also being an anniversary of the worst day of my life. That when I think back to when he was born, the memories arent loving cuddles with my newborn, they are traumatic and actually hard to bring to the surface. I think my brain has some how safely tucked those painful memories away. That day will always be painful for my memories, but again its a choice to make it about Sam, because regardless of what I am going through, he matters most.
Most days feel the same, so one symptom that is hard to describe is that there are no timelines. It doesnt feel like 4 years has passed, it feels like the same day has been repeating itself. I dont look at Sam and think, "wow my little baby that I fed and rocked to sleep, is grown up". It actually isn't like that at all. So if you feel the same as me, try not to analyse it too much, I just look at the boy I have today and enjoy what I can of him. I know its hard, hopefully this time in our lives isn't permanent.
One thing I struggle with in my thoughts is that today is an anniversary of the day that I lost myself. The day that I slipped into a depersonalised state that I cant seem to shake out of. It breaks my heart when I think of what I am missing, I wonder what other people are feeling on a normal day. Like Sams first real day of kindy tomorrow, not as a pre entry, but as a 4 year old kindy boy. I should feel sadness and excitement, and grief and pride. Yet I just walk through the day as if it were just another day passing by.
I am not dying, but Im not living...
That sentence for me, sums up the disorder. You appear to be experiencing life the same as those around you, but there are fundamental core emotions and responses that are missing, and it takes a massive chunk out of life.It takes a massive chunk out of who you are. The struggle of my heart is, is the God I believe in going to leave me in this state for the next 60 years? Because if yes, its a long road ahead.
4 years today....will I still be counting 20 years from now?
Sorry for the sad report tonight. But these are the aches of my heart, the ever present thoughts that go through my head all day everyday. When am I coming back? When will I wake up and feel present and real? When will I look and Sam with the pride and adoration that he deserves more than anything? It drains me, and it makes me tired, and it sometimes makes me hopeless. Like I always say, we all have our battles, and we wish them away as soon as possible. But the truth is, there are some battles that people do fight their whole life. There is gripping grief of losing loved ones that stays with you for years to come, and sicknesses that are incurable that people have to wake up to and live with everyday. Some of our battles are long, and hard, and ever present. I guess what I am learning is that there isnt always a quick fix, and sometimes God sustaining us through our entire life is what we will need in this life. Maybe waiting for a way out isnt the right way to get through the storm. As Marcus and every one says, I will get through this, you will get through this. But man those days where your brain tells you that you cant, they are hard days. We all have them, let this be the voice that echos into the darkness that you feel...you will come out of this.
Man the cyclone is getting close :( How helpless to sit on my couch and watch as people experience utter devastation before my eyes. Thoughts and prayers go to queenslands tonight. We love you. xxxooo
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