Hello hello hello. So this is the first post from my iPad, please ignore any and all typos and all that jazz. Hope you are all well, I don't think I've blogged a new entry since I got pregnant for the second time! So to any overseas readers, I am! It's a little girl! I've got another 11.5 weeks to go. I'm in two minds about this blog and it's hard to separate the two aspects I want to share because they have been so intertwined. So I will attempt both, mental state and Jesus :)
For the readers out there who have found this blog by an anxiety/ depersonalisation search, can I strongly encourage you to take a peep at the first blog just to get a little background info about the journey so far.
So around septermber 2011, my husband and I were blessed enough to fall pregnant. For those wondering, yes, I am still very much in the same state as before. The difference being that the anxiety has crept back due to the hormones in pregnancy. Before some freak out I'll tell you now, I have been put on a safe medication for the entire pregnancy. I know it isn't ideal to be medicated while pregnant, in my situation it is better than the outcome would be without it.
5 weeks into the pregnancy I was watching Beauty and the Geek with my mumma and we were having a laugh, within seconds a wave of panic washed over me and I began to shake. Completely out of no where. My dad tried to calm me but all of a sudden, without warning there I was, right back at the start in the same place as when I first had Sam. I'm not gonna lie, it was pure torture. That panic didn't leave. Not when I slept, took Sam to Kindy, I was completely paralyzed again. It just happened so fast. So began days of not eating, not sleeping, not functioning, pure, raw unceasing panic. Plus, there was this tiny baby in my tummy. All meds that would help me sleep posed danger to the baby, but so did the state of anxiety that my body was in. The next 4-5 weeks were almost unbearable, I held onto God for dear life.
Part of me was sure I would be sick for the entire pregnancy and then get even worse when the baby came out, in my mind I would now be suffering to this degree for years ( the pregnancy hormones can last up to 2 years). I tried to be positive but I was in really bad shape. One of the worst elements of it all was suddenly not being able to care for Sam. My family helped heaps, but at the end of the day I am his mummy. He felt the change and was a little out of sorts for a while. After about 12 weeks the medication had started doing its job and it significantly reduced the anxiety. I still have times in the day, or weeks where I'm borderline or feeling like I'm about to go back to that unbearable state of anxiety where the is no relief, but thankfully, I haven't gone back there and stayed there. I need to be so thankful for that, there is nothing on the planet like it.
As far as the depersonalisation, it is tricky being pregnant. I feel like Ive been pregnant for a day, yet I'm nearing the end of the pregnancy. Time is pretty messed up in my head, but at the end of the day there are a lot of things that could be worse. To anyone In the same situation I do struggle and grieve for this little bubba, I want to be properly present SO desperately for this treasure. When I found out it was a girl I actually broke down, I think because I've always dreamt of a big brother and little sister, and all my dreams were coming true, except I was watching from behind a glass wall. I feel her kick and I just want the old me back to get over excited and write her songs and just love her with my whole heart. I do love her already, I just miss the emotion that use to come with it.
So in this time of being pregnant and thru the anxiety breakdown, I had no one but God.
My husband held me, my son loved me, my parents cared for me, my friends surrounded me, yet I was so alone. The world closes in, it changes, nothing is familiar, nothing feels the same or like home. Aughh it's yucky, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I had no other hope but that Jesus was making a way. Thru the long days and even longer nights I called on Him to help me take the next breath.
It's funny, I thought I'd learnt enough already from this situation, but it just keeps changing and I learn something totally new. I can get caught in the trap of wishing I was healed and whole and in a different place, but I'm learning to accept that Jesus is at work in everything. He is using all of this for reasons I might not always see, but deep in my heart I know it.
I heard a quote the other day along the lines of:
" If God showed you the way forward, you would end up trusting the path.But, He wants you to trust HIM, so He walks with you. Trust the lamp, not the path."
The truth is I have no idea how the birth will go, how my body and brain chemicals will react, if I will be incoherent again and not be able to raise this little baby without someone else doing it for me. If I allow myself to go there I find it a hard place to return from.
So every morning, I start new and I ask God to give me the grace to get thru another day, and I ask for his strength just for that day. We aren't promised even our next breath, so ive been learning to take each day as it comes. I've also chosen to focus on what I do have. With depersonalisation it often feels like there isn't much to focus on without getting sad, but then I realize that there are so many people right now who are suffering immeasurably. Just as my days were unbearably long and they finally became bearable, there are so many who the thought of tomorrow is too much. They are in that unbearable state. The pain that comes with the sun rise is too much to go thru again. Another day of suffering, no hope, no reason. I have new empathy for the fact that everyday all the time there are people near and far who are in that unbearable state, that struggle,that pain where it is almost just too much. Losing people who are close to you, caring for your sick child all the while feeling helpless as you have to watch them suffer instead of you being able to take the pain for them, permament illness, situations that don't seem to have an end in sight. You just cannot tell what someone is going thru, we all look ok, but there is a lot of hurt if you scratch a little deeper.
Love the people who are around you, you never know why God has placed someone in your life, or what healing you could help bring to them. Every person has a story, every person has their struggle, that one thing that if only you could change, life would be completely different. Dont wait until that moment to see all that life has. Take in what is happening around and in you. Sometimes the most precious and life changing times happen when you feel like you can't survive, but you do. Honestly, I wish I was better, I wish I was really present and emotional on Sams first day of school, I wish I remembered his life, and that I was well and ready and excited for this new baby. But Meanwhile, my entire life and character has changed by that wish not coming to pass yet. There is always a reason, and there is always a way. Never ever give up.
Love you all so much xoxo
For the readers out there who have found this blog by an anxiety/ depersonalisation search, can I strongly encourage you to take a peep at the first blog just to get a little background info about the journey so far.
So around septermber 2011, my husband and I were blessed enough to fall pregnant. For those wondering, yes, I am still very much in the same state as before. The difference being that the anxiety has crept back due to the hormones in pregnancy. Before some freak out I'll tell you now, I have been put on a safe medication for the entire pregnancy. I know it isn't ideal to be medicated while pregnant, in my situation it is better than the outcome would be without it.
5 weeks into the pregnancy I was watching Beauty and the Geek with my mumma and we were having a laugh, within seconds a wave of panic washed over me and I began to shake. Completely out of no where. My dad tried to calm me but all of a sudden, without warning there I was, right back at the start in the same place as when I first had Sam. I'm not gonna lie, it was pure torture. That panic didn't leave. Not when I slept, took Sam to Kindy, I was completely paralyzed again. It just happened so fast. So began days of not eating, not sleeping, not functioning, pure, raw unceasing panic. Plus, there was this tiny baby in my tummy. All meds that would help me sleep posed danger to the baby, but so did the state of anxiety that my body was in. The next 4-5 weeks were almost unbearable, I held onto God for dear life.
Part of me was sure I would be sick for the entire pregnancy and then get even worse when the baby came out, in my mind I would now be suffering to this degree for years ( the pregnancy hormones can last up to 2 years). I tried to be positive but I was in really bad shape. One of the worst elements of it all was suddenly not being able to care for Sam. My family helped heaps, but at the end of the day I am his mummy. He felt the change and was a little out of sorts for a while. After about 12 weeks the medication had started doing its job and it significantly reduced the anxiety. I still have times in the day, or weeks where I'm borderline or feeling like I'm about to go back to that unbearable state of anxiety where the is no relief, but thankfully, I haven't gone back there and stayed there. I need to be so thankful for that, there is nothing on the planet like it.
As far as the depersonalisation, it is tricky being pregnant. I feel like Ive been pregnant for a day, yet I'm nearing the end of the pregnancy. Time is pretty messed up in my head, but at the end of the day there are a lot of things that could be worse. To anyone In the same situation I do struggle and grieve for this little bubba, I want to be properly present SO desperately for this treasure. When I found out it was a girl I actually broke down, I think because I've always dreamt of a big brother and little sister, and all my dreams were coming true, except I was watching from behind a glass wall. I feel her kick and I just want the old me back to get over excited and write her songs and just love her with my whole heart. I do love her already, I just miss the emotion that use to come with it.
So in this time of being pregnant and thru the anxiety breakdown, I had no one but God.
My husband held me, my son loved me, my parents cared for me, my friends surrounded me, yet I was so alone. The world closes in, it changes, nothing is familiar, nothing feels the same or like home. Aughh it's yucky, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I had no other hope but that Jesus was making a way. Thru the long days and even longer nights I called on Him to help me take the next breath.
It's funny, I thought I'd learnt enough already from this situation, but it just keeps changing and I learn something totally new. I can get caught in the trap of wishing I was healed and whole and in a different place, but I'm learning to accept that Jesus is at work in everything. He is using all of this for reasons I might not always see, but deep in my heart I know it.
I heard a quote the other day along the lines of:
" If God showed you the way forward, you would end up trusting the path.But, He wants you to trust HIM, so He walks with you. Trust the lamp, not the path."
The truth is I have no idea how the birth will go, how my body and brain chemicals will react, if I will be incoherent again and not be able to raise this little baby without someone else doing it for me. If I allow myself to go there I find it a hard place to return from.
So every morning, I start new and I ask God to give me the grace to get thru another day, and I ask for his strength just for that day. We aren't promised even our next breath, so ive been learning to take each day as it comes. I've also chosen to focus on what I do have. With depersonalisation it often feels like there isn't much to focus on without getting sad, but then I realize that there are so many people right now who are suffering immeasurably. Just as my days were unbearably long and they finally became bearable, there are so many who the thought of tomorrow is too much. They are in that unbearable state. The pain that comes with the sun rise is too much to go thru again. Another day of suffering, no hope, no reason. I have new empathy for the fact that everyday all the time there are people near and far who are in that unbearable state, that struggle,that pain where it is almost just too much. Losing people who are close to you, caring for your sick child all the while feeling helpless as you have to watch them suffer instead of you being able to take the pain for them, permament illness, situations that don't seem to have an end in sight. You just cannot tell what someone is going thru, we all look ok, but there is a lot of hurt if you scratch a little deeper.
Love the people who are around you, you never know why God has placed someone in your life, or what healing you could help bring to them. Every person has a story, every person has their struggle, that one thing that if only you could change, life would be completely different. Dont wait until that moment to see all that life has. Take in what is happening around and in you. Sometimes the most precious and life changing times happen when you feel like you can't survive, but you do. Honestly, I wish I was better, I wish I was really present and emotional on Sams first day of school, I wish I remembered his life, and that I was well and ready and excited for this new baby. But Meanwhile, my entire life and character has changed by that wish not coming to pass yet. There is always a reason, and there is always a way. Never ever give up.
Love you all so much xoxo
You are such a beautiful & honest writer. Wishing you all the best. Sending love and hugs. xoxo
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