The Weight Of The World.

The weight of the world

Today Bella was exhausted and sad and had a little trip down the stairs, she ran up to me and sat on the couch and exhaled 

" huuuuug?" 

So I scooped her up and gave her a cuddle, but a cuddle wouldn't suffice. She was tired and hurt, so I put my arm under her and picked her up, and again she let out another  big sigh and calmed down. Sometimes the weight of her little issues in life get to her, sometimes the ground is wet or she doesn't understand something ( like the road!!!!) so we grab her and lift her out of the place she is in. In time, we will teach her how to do that herself. 

I know back when I first was really unwell when I had sammy 8 years ago, my Dad was Jesus in flesh to me. He literally kept me alive. He had me in the emergency room 3 nights in a row. I remember it being crazy busy and at one point his eyes welled with tears and he cried out to everyone: 

 " Somebody please help my baby ".

Anxiety disorder is something in our family history, so it was a miracle to have my Daddy carry me through. And he really did carry me. I remember feeling like he was dragging me though the terror and hallucinations, and I was existing purely on the strength that  he was providing me. 

Something I love and cherish about this weird road I'm on, is that I repeatedly have to let God carry me, like whether I like it or not. Before all this, I could give and take things from God, and not listen, and I wouldn't physically suffer for it. These days, if I start to go down the wrong road with my thoughts, it's a dark and dangerous place to get back from. At the beginning of all of this, it was so heavy. Just being alive and waking up was so hard. I had this massive weight on my shoulders, I didn't know how to navigate this, and I couldn't fix myself, and my parents couldn't fix me. And it was heavy, did I mention that? It was so heavy that one day I completely broke down, I think I've shared this on here before, and I started punching the walls and screaming to my husband : " why, why has He forsaken me!? Why now, when I'm finally a mum. How can you let a mum feel seperated from her children." You know, in all honesty, I was pretty done with God. It was the first really testing situation I had that was life threatening, where someone else couldn't save me. And so began a long process of relearning for myself who God really was / is. 

I came to the place where I had to live with the fact that I might not get better overnight. I like things to happen promptly , all or nothing. So the fact that God has me on a long , thorough, slow journey is both ironic and very well thought out. He's a clever one. 

I learnt and am still learning every single day, even and especially on days like today, that it's ok to have a burden, and still live and love and thrive. 

The burden is light. Notice how in Matthew 11:30 it says- My burden is light. The word "burden " is still there. It isn't gone, it's there , but it's light. I've never understood that In my life until this season was thrust upon me. Sometimes the answer to prayer, and the assurance that God is in fact there, isn't in the removal of the burden, but in the faithful promise to carry it. 

People often ask, how are you so strong? Don't you just want to give up? The answer is, it's not me. Don't look to me like the hero or the strong one, I am being kept strong by no strength of my own. I had those years of being a victim, and grieving and hating and blaming and hurting. I lived those days for a long time, Jesus brought me through that. In His word and in who He had put around me. At the end of the day, what's the other choice? Live the best I can with what I have, or get swallowed in the darkness of blame and loss again. There is no choice for me anymore. 

I will get really honest with you, as I know a lot of readers suffer with similar illnesses, I've had an average time lately with feeling removed and not present, not sleeping etc. I was in the shop today which  does my head in when I'm not good, and I was looking at people thinking " you have no idea what I'm going through today, this shop looks and feels normal to you, and I feel like I'm in space. "
Then that gentle whisper: " Lisa, babe, you have no idea of the pain in this place."

 I looked at people, I looked in their eyes: had they just lost a child and this was their first outing out since? Were they suffering a terminal disease and spending one  of their last days with family? A divorce? Had she just been cheated on? Is he completely alone? Did she get bullied? 

All of a sudden I realised, there wouldn't "probably " be a lot of pain In this woolies, there IS. Every one is fighting something. Every single person represented a trying situation. I felt overwhelmed. I starting wanting to grab people and tell them it's ok! Life is hard ! You aren't alone. There is hope, I know a saviour...you don't have to carry this anymore. 

I got this tiny glimpse of how Jesus feels towards us all the time-

" Just let me have it Lisa. Let me carry this one, the burden is there for now, but let me make it light? Yeah? " But Lisa sure does hold on tight and like to control situations. I'm in a constant battle of letting go. It doesn't occur once, it a decision I make every morning to not carry this. 

I have no doubt the things I am learning in this time between when I had Sam, and when I am fully restored, are and will change the rest of my life. It is changing its entire course. Everyone is suffering with something, Every one has a burden. They differ in weight, length of time, reason why- but you know what remains- Jesus. 
He's  already made a way through this heaviness, so don't carry it anymore. Give Him the control over your situation, I don't like doing that much. But I'm so glad I kinda had the choice taken off me by this circumstance, so I learn His true love and comfort, and the real meaning of being carried, over and over. 

The other aspect that continually sustains me, is the people around me. I'm smothered In love and support. I remember when I was really sick with anxiety, just a massive cuddle from Jason was the only thing that had any kind of relief. Let the people around you in on what's happening, let them cuddle you. Like my Daddy did and does for me, even today, let people carry you for a little bit. Let them encourage you, and give you strength. And be that in return, ask the questions that get the real answers. Be bothered with people, even in the line at Coles. See them as real people who have a real story. 

My burden is light.....