Well hello there dear friends. Wow it has been a little while, I will explain a little later why I havent posted recently. Welcome to those who have never been here before, can I please encourage you to go all the way back to the start and read the first blog to get a good background of the purpose and subject of this blog. Thanks xxoo
So...time has passed. But it has been good time, worth while time. Last time I posted I talked about my thoughts and how they were holding me captive. Controlling them with my own choice, and with the help of God has been life changing. I still am at a point where I do feel Depersonalised but I have come to be at peace with the fact that this may be permanent and after everything, I feel that is ok with me.
I do fall into the victim trap if I am not careful. I think I deserve to be well and enjoy my son, and although that sounds fair, that is not at all what life is about. It isnt why I was created, or what I was created for. This revelation that life is not just about me has helped me see outside the prison walls of my own head.
Since the last post I have been to see Marcus. Jas came too, it was really good to hear his version of what I am going through and to feel like I have a good support system around me. I have been put on a new medication that I wont name at this point, but it is known to be helpful for depersonalisation. So there isnt much to lose. If this medication doesnt help break the cycle our next step is maybe a baby!! Shivers that is scary and exciting. But I think a little part of me is really excited! wow! Im definitely scared too. Sam is growing by the second, saying new phrases and new words. He is so beautiful. My little man.
I was talking with Jas about the fact that I dont remember heaps of Sam as a little baby and he said that is fairly normal and that he too finds it hard to remember those things. I feel like I am a little brain flick away from feeling normal. Come on brain!!!!! Just a little bit more :) I will keep track of how this new med works. It makes me very very tired but I think it might be helping. Who knows :)
So tonight we watched a dvd of a lady named Gianna Jessen - an abortion survivor. She is incredible. Her story is that her mother was pregnant young and wanted to abort her but during the abortion, she survived the saline process. Gianna was supposed to be blind and not walk, but she does it all. She suffers cerebral palsy and talks about how to others it is her weakness, but to her, it has become her strength, her story.Without it, she wouldnt be racing through the world with passion sharing her story. It was her way to bring glory to God. She made me realise that the one thing we are made for, is the one thing no one can ever take away. We are made to make our lives, whatever our lives or circumstances may be, to bring glory to God. The enemy can hurt us, throw us pain, hurt, despair, but no matter what, he can never take our ability to let God make our lives a testament to Him. Wohooo!! No matter what, the very thing we are created for and exist to do, can never ever be snuffed out or conquered!! Either way, we win.
I was saying to Jas in the car this week that I dont understand God. It was in the context that Marcus had just said that it is a possibility that my brain may do this again as a coping strategy in other traumas in my life. So I was saying to Jas what a waste of a creation, what a waste of an existance that when it matters most and when I need to be the strongest, my brain gives way and goes into a depersonalised state, a state that makes me not function. If he created me not strong enough cope, why bother creating me at all. I told Jas that I dont understand why God would let me half- live life, why cant I have everything I want. To this Jas said, why do some kids have to watch their parents be killed infront of them, why do some parents have to bury their own kids, why does rape exist. Everyone has their vices, their hurdles, their heartache, their battle. You can ask anyone on anyday, we are all fighting something. And no matter what it is, it is real and painful and endless to that person. It is in these times, that God can take our bad and use it for His good. That he can take the pain and heartache and turn it into hope for His glory. In actual fact, when life is cruisey, that can be the hardest time to bring him glory because we are happy and comfortable where we are at. When we have the hard times thats when we can make the powerful choice to give Him glory through it. We often have the perfect scenario in our heads what we want/ need to be happy, often we pray for those things, but life isn't about getting what we need to be (what the world calls) happy.
Isn't it funny how we are never happy right now,we are always wanting to get to that next part, that house/ holiday/job/ money/ boyfriend. We are waiting and working towards this goal and missing the journey on the way. I was taking my nephew Mikey and son Sam for a walk to the park. There are 2 parks so I went to the closest one which isnt as good. When we got there it was broken and dirty. I said to the boys that we were moving on to the next playground. Mikey trusted me, took my hand and waited to go. Sam didnt listen and kept playing, seeing only that playground. I knew full well there was a better playground just around the corner but he was set on what he could see, and what looked good right infront of him, even though I knew better. So this is the typical Jesus knows whats around the corner and we need to trust Him thing, but with a new revelation that I had at that time. I finally got Sam to listen and it wasnt easy. He stomped over to me and said a few naughty words and took my hand and we began the walk to the most beautiful park with a brand new playground. I knew where we were going. I knew it was better. Mikey was looking around saying "look at the birds aunty"( in his super high/cute voice), and taking in the surroundings and enjoying the journey to the park for what it was and what he was experiencing. Sam, however, spent the whole time crying and complaining, dragging his feet. Although we were going to the same place at the same time, the journey for the boys was completely different. Michael was experiencing life and what was happening, Sam was so busy looking back at what he didnt have or what he didnt understand, he was so busy questioning me that he missed out on the journey. He missed things that could have brought him pleasure and added to his life. It is the same with us and our journeys. Lets love life now, as it is. Right Now. What you are fighting can be the very thing that God wants to use to make you better and stronger. Lets look at our hurdles/ depression/ death/pain/suffering/confusion, as something that will one day glorify the creator. As things that although bad, will be used for the greatest good of all. The hope we have can never be snuffed out.
I am a princess, My father is the big guy, the creator, the healer, the comforter, the knight in shining armour, nothing you (the enemy/the world/ my situation) can throw at me can ever ever change that. AMEN!!!!
All my love xxoo
So...time has passed. But it has been good time, worth while time. Last time I posted I talked about my thoughts and how they were holding me captive. Controlling them with my own choice, and with the help of God has been life changing. I still am at a point where I do feel Depersonalised but I have come to be at peace with the fact that this may be permanent and after everything, I feel that is ok with me.
I do fall into the victim trap if I am not careful. I think I deserve to be well and enjoy my son, and although that sounds fair, that is not at all what life is about. It isnt why I was created, or what I was created for. This revelation that life is not just about me has helped me see outside the prison walls of my own head.
Since the last post I have been to see Marcus. Jas came too, it was really good to hear his version of what I am going through and to feel like I have a good support system around me. I have been put on a new medication that I wont name at this point, but it is known to be helpful for depersonalisation. So there isnt much to lose. If this medication doesnt help break the cycle our next step is maybe a baby!! Shivers that is scary and exciting. But I think a little part of me is really excited! wow! Im definitely scared too. Sam is growing by the second, saying new phrases and new words. He is so beautiful. My little man.
I was talking with Jas about the fact that I dont remember heaps of Sam as a little baby and he said that is fairly normal and that he too finds it hard to remember those things. I feel like I am a little brain flick away from feeling normal. Come on brain!!!!! Just a little bit more :) I will keep track of how this new med works. It makes me very very tired but I think it might be helping. Who knows :)
So tonight we watched a dvd of a lady named Gianna Jessen - an abortion survivor. She is incredible. Her story is that her mother was pregnant young and wanted to abort her but during the abortion, she survived the saline process. Gianna was supposed to be blind and not walk, but she does it all. She suffers cerebral palsy and talks about how to others it is her weakness, but to her, it has become her strength, her story.Without it, she wouldnt be racing through the world with passion sharing her story. It was her way to bring glory to God. She made me realise that the one thing we are made for, is the one thing no one can ever take away. We are made to make our lives, whatever our lives or circumstances may be, to bring glory to God. The enemy can hurt us, throw us pain, hurt, despair, but no matter what, he can never take our ability to let God make our lives a testament to Him. Wohooo!! No matter what, the very thing we are created for and exist to do, can never ever be snuffed out or conquered!! Either way, we win.
I was saying to Jas in the car this week that I dont understand God. It was in the context that Marcus had just said that it is a possibility that my brain may do this again as a coping strategy in other traumas in my life. So I was saying to Jas what a waste of a creation, what a waste of an existance that when it matters most and when I need to be the strongest, my brain gives way and goes into a depersonalised state, a state that makes me not function. If he created me not strong enough cope, why bother creating me at all. I told Jas that I dont understand why God would let me half- live life, why cant I have everything I want. To this Jas said, why do some kids have to watch their parents be killed infront of them, why do some parents have to bury their own kids, why does rape exist. Everyone has their vices, their hurdles, their heartache, their battle. You can ask anyone on anyday, we are all fighting something. And no matter what it is, it is real and painful and endless to that person. It is in these times, that God can take our bad and use it for His good. That he can take the pain and heartache and turn it into hope for His glory. In actual fact, when life is cruisey, that can be the hardest time to bring him glory because we are happy and comfortable where we are at. When we have the hard times thats when we can make the powerful choice to give Him glory through it. We often have the perfect scenario in our heads what we want/ need to be happy, often we pray for those things, but life isn't about getting what we need to be (what the world calls) happy.
Isn't it funny how we are never happy right now,we are always wanting to get to that next part, that house/ holiday/job/ money/ boyfriend. We are waiting and working towards this goal and missing the journey on the way. I was taking my nephew Mikey and son Sam for a walk to the park. There are 2 parks so I went to the closest one which isnt as good. When we got there it was broken and dirty. I said to the boys that we were moving on to the next playground. Mikey trusted me, took my hand and waited to go. Sam didnt listen and kept playing, seeing only that playground. I knew full well there was a better playground just around the corner but he was set on what he could see, and what looked good right infront of him, even though I knew better. So this is the typical Jesus knows whats around the corner and we need to trust Him thing, but with a new revelation that I had at that time. I finally got Sam to listen and it wasnt easy. He stomped over to me and said a few naughty words and took my hand and we began the walk to the most beautiful park with a brand new playground. I knew where we were going. I knew it was better. Mikey was looking around saying "look at the birds aunty"( in his super high/cute voice), and taking in the surroundings and enjoying the journey to the park for what it was and what he was experiencing. Sam, however, spent the whole time crying and complaining, dragging his feet. Although we were going to the same place at the same time, the journey for the boys was completely different. Michael was experiencing life and what was happening, Sam was so busy looking back at what he didnt have or what he didnt understand, he was so busy questioning me that he missed out on the journey. He missed things that could have brought him pleasure and added to his life. It is the same with us and our journeys. Lets love life now, as it is. Right Now. What you are fighting can be the very thing that God wants to use to make you better and stronger. Lets look at our hurdles/ depression/ death/pain/suffering/confusion, as something that will one day glorify the creator. As things that although bad, will be used for the greatest good of all. The hope we have can never be snuffed out.
I am a princess, My father is the big guy, the creator, the healer, the comforter, the knight in shining armour, nothing you (the enemy/the world/ my situation) can throw at me can ever ever change that. AMEN!!!!
All my love xxoo
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