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embrace the day

Hey Ho folks,
Here we are again. It has been a little while since my last blog ( that felt like a confession;)  Ive had heaps of thoughts and ups and downs and sometimes I dont blog it all, only because I dont want to be negative. With depression, as you would know, there are some pretty low days. But today, I thought I would be honest, even on a flat day, because this blog is about a journey and about truth.
The last month has sucked big time. I have continued to be a medication guinea pig, and with it has brought a lot of hectic times. I am on a new medicine which hasnt been tested much, it is a new 'breakthrough' medication, although it isnt breaking through much of my depersonalisation. Ahhh it was worth a crack.

Im not gonna lie, these past few weeks/months I have questioned God, yelled at Him, cried to Him, pleaded to Him. Sometimes I was just angry that I was even in this position, daily missing out on normal life. But as the old saying goes : hate breeds more hate, and my thoughts soon spiraled down and down. Until I found myself not wanting to get up, eat, move, breath. I didnt want to hurt myself, but I definitely wouldnt have been opposed to not being alive anymore. I think I am just sick of waking up to the same day, the same lack of life and love and passion. I miss writing music and being a kindy teacher, I wish I had the passion for hurting youth. I wish I could be in love with my husband, like how I felt before all of this, and have that deep love and adoration for him that he deserves. This whole situation is so hard for him, in some ways I am a cardboard cut out of the girl he married. It makes things hard, yes it does. It does feel like this time in our lives is never going to end, but I just cant shake the feeling that there is a new life for us on its way.

Lately Ive been thinking that if I was myself again, had the capacity, drive, love, emotion that I once had, I would love to go into pre and post pregnancy classes and give a little talk or guidance to new mums, just at the possiblity of the post natal sicknessess. How they occur, how normal it is, how husbands can help, how not to blame yourself, get them into doctors and psyciatrists, to get real help, early on. Augh there is so much I could pass on, but im not through yet myself. I think thats where I get ahead of myself, there is so much in life I want to do, but Im stuck here waiting to wake up. One day.....
Ive realised that one day, those days may come, they may not, but regardless, I have to live today.
I was caught up/am caught up in looking ahead, in my head Sam will be in high school soon, and my parents are old and grey ( well that part is definitely close to reality), life flies by when you continously look too far forward. I spend soooo much time in the future, and a lot in the past, and not a whole lot right here, right now.

When I went to pick up Sam today, I watched him...
I realised in that moment, It didnt matter who he was as a baby. I spend literally, most of the day trying to remember Sam as a baby, toddler, 2 year old, and it just isnt there, those memories arent there, only today is. It stresses me out and takes a lot out of life because I try to capture a day that is gone. As I looked at him today I realised, It didnt matter who he use to be or what I remembered of it, it didnt matter who he was going to be or how quick he would grow up.
All that mattered was who and how he was....today.
He is beautiful, hilarious, naughty, cheeky, clever, quick witted. He is adorable. I want to enjoy that as much as I possibly can. Time goes so fast and it is kinda depressing if you think about it, spending time either trying to remember who he was or worried about who he will be. Or for you it might be trying to forget what happened to you in the past, or worried about where you will get money from next week. Today is almost over. Today I have a beautiful, funny, faithful, strong husband and a beautiful 4 year old boy. Instead of wishing for something more than what I experience, I will embrace what I can, as much as I can. Lets do it together. Whether tomorrow scares you, or yesterday haunts you, today calls you...( I should write quotes :)

Embrace today, otherwise you will miss the beauty in it.

Will write soon, All my love xo

Comments

  1. UnknownMarch 23, 2011 at 3:08 AM

    Hi Lisa,
    I am a Mum who was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression 3 years ago and I wanted to say thankyou for your blog. I appreciate the honesty and think you are a wonderful person for sharing this journey. I hope very much that you will continue writing.
    Emma

    ReplyDelete
  2. A New HopeApril 10, 2011 at 9:23 PM

    mark,
    I have only just seen your comment.
    Thankfully, I dont know you, so your opinion and sad rednition on the reality of life if of no concern to me. If you were someone I knew and loved, I would be forced to assess myself. But coming from a complete stranger,with absolutely no truth to your comments, you must be so caught up in your own world of hate and negativity, to come online and make personal accusations about someone you have never met , nor ever will. It is sad really.

    There is so much I want to and could write back to you in defense, but I dont see your comment as valid to me and I needent validate it. You do not know me so anything personal you have said has been completely disregarded.
    But what does need to be addressed is your lack of understanding to post natal illness and not just mine.

    So on behalf of mums who are dealing with such problems, How DARE you even presume to know ,let alone tell me how it should feel. If you really are "mark" then I assume you are male...Dont presume to know something you couldnt possiblty understand. You rude person.

    If it gets to you so much, turn your computer off and go and do something else. The amount of positive response this blog has brought, far outways anything you could ever say or do to change that. Take your spite and needless anger and misunderstanding for a complete stranger elsewhere. It is not welcome here.

    lisa

    ReplyDelete
  3. MumApril 10, 2011 at 10:24 PM

    Hey Mark,
    you obviously dont know Lisa or you would be aware of the fact that she lives a very full, productive life that is often busy with helping others through varying difficult times. Although she struggles with her depersonisation she has never stopped that from making sure that her life is fruitful and fulfilling. She is an amazing Mum, friend and to me a wonderful daughter. If you cant say anything encouraging, perhaps it's better if you say nothing. SO SO proud of you Lisa. You are an Amazing person with the most beautiful heart any mother could want. Love you my Darling.
    Lisa's Mum

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousApril 10, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    Dear Mark,

    I'd like to punch you in the face, you judgemental idiot.

    People like you are the ones that make life even harder for those that suffer with mental illness. You are clearly a self absorbed, close-minded jackass who cannot see past the end of his own nose and into what is an absolute tragedy in the life of a young mother.

    You can shove your "honest opinion" where the sun doesn't shine.

    Don't ever bother commenting on this blog again.

    ReplyDelete
  5. mcphacesApril 11, 2011 at 6:04 AM

    Dear Mark
    you seem to have convinced yourself in your own smug pride that you are clever possibly even inteligent. Unfortunatley your cowardly attack only reveals that you are obviously only ignortant bitter and jaded. i'm sure you are smiling smuggly to yourself even as you read this sad if thats your only source of joy, especialy for someone attempting to hide behind scriptures whilst displaying nothing of the love or humility of God in your post. There is an appropriate form of judgement amongst believers that paul talks about and i would warn u that u come across as a wolf in sheeps clothing. You should spend less time worrying about the condition of Lisa's soul and consider your own. Jesus called people with a scriptural knowledge wthout a love for people children of satan even those who were convinced they were heaven bound seriously check your heart get some help you are not welome here

    ReplyDelete
  6. LivApril 11, 2011 at 6:43 AM

    Lisa and other mothers, fathers, men and women that suffer a mental illness,
    Marks words are lies. They are filled with hatred, anger, immaturity and negativity. Frankly - they are a load of shit! Don't let 'Mark's' attempt at elaborate language fool you. He doesn't know what he is talking about.

    I must point out that his personal attacks on Lisa seem ridiculously invalid as it is impossible to understand the personality of someone through the Internet! "dull colorless personality?" maybe your perception of Lisa is actually the description of your computer screen. As for your Appraisal...Lisa does not need it. No one does. Your words are meaningless babble better kept unsaid Please don't try to entertain yourself through hurtful attacks on others. They may bring you a twisted, sick moment of excitement but I assure you - You are only setting yourself up for a life of bitterness, resentment and lonliness. Before you can have any say in the life of others, you must first examine your own.

    The truth is - there is hope. There is hope for all who suffer. God promises that. and God has a billion million trillion times more authorty over your life than some bored kid called Mark.

    "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with that judgement you judge, you will be judged;and with the measure you use it will be measured back to you"

    ReplyDelete
  7. A New HopeApril 11, 2011 at 7:04 AM

    mark, wadlez, whoever the heck you are ( yes you do repost your comments under differet names accidently...oops) your words of hate wont stop me sharing my story. Infact, your words drive me forward to press on. I AM a daughter of the king actually and thank fully there is not a thing in the world you can do about it. your attitude towards mental illness is appalling, narrow minded, and all you do is project your own feelings about yourself, onto others. not here. I have reported you and you will not post on here again. Do yourself a favour, stop reading this blog ( it was written for mothers suffering, im not sure how you put yourself in such a category) and go and get a life. A real life, not a cyber life. When i log out, my life begins. A life of beauty with beautiful people. I wonder what your life consists of once the computer turns off. We are all tough behind a mask....

    ReplyDelete
  8. Joanne AlthamApril 11, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    ‘Mark’

    I do really LOVE that you have attempted to write in a way that would make you sound intelligent, when in actual fact many of your sentences do not make sense. Throw in some eleventh grade literature and a poorly informed low-life and you have yourself an amazingly constructed piece of shit writing. It makes for an amusing read.

    Not once did Lisa mention that her medications were experimental, she simply explained that she felt like they were. Although, you would know this as you have clearly over analyzed and reconstructed her honest words in exchange for your warped perception of this topic. Which, by the way is entirely flakey, arrogant and above all, extremely ignorant.


    In view of the fact that empathy involves the consideration and understanding the emotional states of other people, you therefore have absolutely no knowledge to back up your weightless ‘research’. You have only validated your own statement onto yourself; that you are in fact the ‘soulless husk’. I, on the other hand, do have empathy...and I have much of it for you. You poor lost soul(s).

    So, continue to ‘reserve’ what little empathy you have for yourself. Although while we are on the topic of accusations, I suggest you use your huge amount of time and research into a condition called Classical Narcissism. It appears this research will be much more beneficial for you.


    A mother that is determined to give her Son and Husband a fulfilled life is one amazing, selfless characteristic in itself, but to share her very personal struggle with the entire online world in the attempt to help just one person, a stranger….well, that is truly incredible. And this is why I will not pass judgment onto your lost soul, for you clearly have not experienced such a special encounter with another.

    And if I am wrong in saying that, then you were too pig-headed to let them touch your tiny heart.

    I cannot fathom your audacity to even mention God let alone quote Matthew and the Simpsons in the same piece of ‘writing’ for the purpose of your judgments. Which is exactly what you are doing, judging.

    I have no doubt in my mind that you do in fact know Lisa and your only drive behind your sad words is a result of raging jealousy. And the amazing thing about Lisa, and every single person who has reacted in defense to your comments would not only willingly, but also wholly forgive your disgusting, insulting words in one heartbeat. And this is Jesus on earth.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Joanne AlthamApril 11, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    In the mean time, do not ‘disregard’ Lisa’s Mums comment, or anyone else on this page unless it is your own. Your words are not only useless and nonconstructive, but very naive. How embarrassing for you!

    You said; “Like animals passing on how to hunt and where to shit, she taught you how to whine and mask your derelict nature behind the sanctity of motherhood” Interesting. Those words are derivative of someone who has been taught to ‘hunt’ and ‘shit on’ those they are threatened by. And please, let me thank YOU for riveting us all with your detective skills…you clearly search high and low for targets, people to pick on like a kinder garden brat bullies their threat. Congratulations on the ability to exude weakness.

    “I'm guessing your a close family member as no one would voluntarily keep such bad company or be aroused to anger for valid criticism”. This only re enforces the fact that you have in fact met Lisa. As, like you said…no one would voluntarily be aroused to commit such criticism if one was not familiar.

    Let me re-iterate the fact that Lisa and her family are extremely remarkable and compassionate people, surrounded only by people who appreciate and reciprocate extraordinary love. And at the end of the day, Lisa will be healed and have a story that will change the lives of others for the better, like it already is/has. Your story on the other hand is, so far, turning out to be one of malice and spite. I pity you. When you do choose to come to know Jesus and actually practice what you preach, write back on here to find a bunch of people with open arms willing to help you. Until then, take your bullying elsewhere.

    Joanne.

    ReplyDelete
  10. OliveApril 11, 2011 at 6:36 PM

    Lisa, I really believe that you sharing your experiences with chronic anxiety, depression and depersonalisation pre-childbirth and post-childbirth with others who experience conditions along these same lines, is truly your calling orchestrated by God. It is for no one else to degrade. We always come accross people who take delight in hurting others, but we know in our hearts who we are, who we have come from, and how we will imprint this world - God permitting.

    I cannot imagine how it must have felt as a child to live in a world controlled by fierce anxiety. The thoughts that you experienced were such a frightful reality. We have spoken about some of these together many a time. This condition you had was professionally diagnosed by a qualified health care professional.

    Then you fell pregnant and held onto a little baby Sammy for 9 months - perfect! In the last few moments of your childbirth, you were told you needed an emergency c-section. I can't imagine how someone with a pre-existing anxiety disorder would react to someone telling you in the heat of the moment and during what should be one of the most remarkable times you will ever experience, that there is something wrong and you need to get your baby out asap. I can't imagine how your brain would process that? I can't imagine how that would feel?

    The point is, neither can you. You stopped feeling. From that point onwards, it all stopped. The heartbreak your mum felt when she saw this happen to you. When she witnessed you float away. This again, I cannot imagine.

    The chain of events that followed were even more heartbreaking for me to hear. And how amazing is your sister and your mum for grabbing hold of the reigns and taking care of you, Jas and Sammy. You are all such amazing people. Together you can do anything. And the love you share for eachother is extraordinary. How beautiful you all are, and oh how you touch the lives of others. If only I could express in words how much you have touched my own life. And I am but one.

    As a qualified health care professional I see so many mothers and fathers trying to cope with the 'unspoken twists' of childbirth. To be seperated from your baby either clinically or mentally is so underestimated. The conditions you speak about Lisa are very much alive in our society.
    I thank you for being brave enough to write your blogs. Thankyou for providing a safe place for people to read and relate their experiences to your own. Thankyou for making people feel like there is hope and that they are not alone or foriegn with their conditions.

    Thankyou for providing such love and support to all those that read your blog - whether they are old, young, mums or dads, single, married etc etc. I hope those that take comfort in your words do not dwell to seriously on those written negatively above. I really hope and pray those awful words do not impact on your progress or the progress of others. Lets not even justify those words with a response - we know your heart Lisa, and my God, thankyou, as it is a beautiful one.

    Remember also that your depersonalisation was diagnosed by two highly qualified health care professionals. It is a valid diagnosis, though a horrible one at that. Therefore, your words and experiences are valid, what you know to be true in your life, is true. This blog is not for self-gratification.

    Lisa, keep writing your blogs. Keep sharing your experiences. Your words help so many.

    Thankyou for keeping a reality on some of these conditions that affect so many. Especially given that so many people do not know anything about them, and may be suffering in silence.

    I know I was, and thanks to your support and love, I now live in the light!

    I Love you Lisa.

    ReplyDelete
  11. UnknownApril 11, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    "The truth is - there is hope. There is hope for all who suffer. God promises that. and God has a billion million trillion times more authorty over your life than some bored kid called Mark." Well he might as well not as never uses it. If I had it at least I would do something, god acts exactly as he would if he didn't exist (Coincidence?).


    "your attitude towards mental illness is appalling, narrow minded, and all you do is project your own feelings about yourself, onto others" Your right Lisa, I feel that I'm a mother with post natal depression and project this onto others. Once the computer turns off my life consists of crying about my strange condition and then praising jesus for it. Your right, I should find a real life.

    "Not once did Lisa mention that her medications were experimental, she simply explained that she felt like they were" Your right, with the exception of: " I am on a new medicine which hasnt been tested much, it is a new 'breakthrough' medication" Which is on the post were commenting on.


    "I cannot fathom your audacity to even mention God let alone quote Matthew and the Simpsons in the same piece of ‘writing’ for the purpose of your judgments" Your right, I would like to apologise to Matt Groening and Fox respectively.

    "I have no doubt in my mind that you do in fact know Lisa and your only drive behind your sad words is a result of raging jealousy" Lol, I really don't know her. I guess I must have been at least partly correct then for you to assume this.

    " And the amazing thing about Lisa, and every single person who has reacted in defense to your comments would not only willingly, but also wholly forgive your disgusting, insulting words in one heartbeat. And this is Jesus on earth." Whoah whoah, slow it down, must of missed something. Can you explain that last bit, comes of a bit crazy.

    "Let me re-iterate the fact that Lisa and her family are extremely remarkable and compassionate people, surrounded only by people who appreciate and reciprocate extraordinary love" I find these types of comments to be so creepy. I imagine some cult living in a commune all being overly joyful and praising each other for nothing.

    I don't think I'm capable of feeling this extraordinary love for day to day interactions. I'm sorry I don't run outside and hug the postman every morning or burst out in tears of joy if someone waves to me.

    Olive, I think your coming on a bit too strong, you might scare her off. Maybe exlude the "I love you" from the end

    ReplyDelete
  12. OliveApril 11, 2011 at 11:08 PM

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    Lolz
    Rofl
    Lmao

    I love you, Mark!

    ReplyDelete
  13. mcphacesApril 11, 2011 at 11:14 PM

    Hey mark seriously what is your real issue? Who goes on someones blog who they don't know to start fights with people they don't know there's a far better way to live mate. Who r u really angry at? The fact that u keep coming on here and are taking the time to read and quote everyone kinda just makes u look more n more like a fool. If that was your initial goal in posting here u have done an extradinary job!! So how bout just go bug someone else unless u actually want to have a constructive civilized conversation about something that relates to this blog

    ReplyDelete
  14. A New HopeApril 12, 2011 at 12:15 AM

    Mark, as you are aware,I actually chose to post your previous comments. In one click of a button, you are blocked from this site and continue you life without this blog and its sick jollys that conflict gives you.

    Honestly, and if there is a logical answer, why do you bother with this blog? why does it affect you so much that out of nowhere you would write such cruel unprovocted attacks at a complete stranger? I know you will come back with some smart ass remark, but at the end of the day, seriously, why? You are the only one here out of place, out of context. Everyone on here is on this journey with me, except you. Why does my life interest you so much that you would post under 2 different names, write long responses and then delete them ?( yes even when you delete your comments I still get them sent to me). You have put so much time into pulling this down.

    At the end of the day, unfortunately, all you look is ridiculous.

    I actually laughed, quite hard at your responses. Half of the critisicm is actually compliments!

    Heres the thing, bullying another human, in any shape or form is unacceptable, no matter what you tell yourself. And you have found the blog of a woman who struggled after birth, and is writing as a form of healing, and even bullied her. How low will you go. Who next?

    Thats the soul reason why I posted your last and final comment. Because, you are a bully, and it is not ok. I could delete your post, which I will in future, but you would just find another innocent person to attack.

    You are so lucky, these responses are from the best people I know. Wise, loving, consistant. And they have bothered addressing you in hope of helping these issues you have. You wont get this response anywhere you go.

    But I feel sick for any other people who are next on your list. Who decide to share their journey,to help others be aware and to get healing themselves. I feel sick that your malice words could affect someone else. For a minute, you crippled me, but thankfully I am surrounded by utter love and support, what about the poor others you bully who dont have that support! you know, the ones you read about or see on the news because they have killed themselves because of people just.like.YOU.

    This blog is part of my healing, my psyciatrist and psycologist both advised me to use it as a tool towards my healing. my pysciatrist, you know the one who prescibed every single medication I took with precision and wisdom, yes even the new drugs on the market, thinks you are sick, and in need of severe help.

    The difference between me and you is simple, I am getting help. I have reasons why I need help and am getting it, whats your excuse?

    By writing a blog,I dont ask for followers. Im not writing so I can conquer the world, I writing to share something that no one talks about. I didnt ask you to read it, nor care so much about it. This is tiny little blog for family and friends, and it is a positive support network.

    So kindly read this, and move on. I will be organising you as spam so I wont even see your responses let alone read anything else. You are going to have to find something else to make the hours tick by, but the sad thing is, you will. And I hate to think who is next.

    Please move on from my blog.

    Lisa

    ReplyDelete

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2019 : Fresh Or Fester

Welcome to 2019 my friends! I always get this niggle right before a blog makes its complicated and tumultuous journey from my brain to the page. A brewing if you will.  It’s this amalgamation of what is being taught to my mind and what I’m experiencing in my heart. Mixed with ramblings from my wild and at some times unkept mind.  Every day is a choice.  New Years is interesting isn’t it?  We all of a sudden have a clean out.  We de clutter our homes and our minds.  We anticipate change.  A fresh start.  Our “best year yet”.  It’s like we sit and wait and hope with clenched hands over hearts that “This will be the year” etc. It’s noble at best, but empty if not met with the outworking that such a notion requires. So what does the outworking look like?  Because without a change in behaviour, 2019 will slowly but surely be a continued pattern of 2018. Life is a continuous set of choices.  So in ...
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Behind The Couch xx

Hey Lovely Ones,  It’s been a little minute since we last chatted. What a minute it has been! 2020 is its own brand of weird!  Stay safe fam. Last year I wrote a blog    called “Fresh Or Fester“ about a silly injury I had on a school camp and how just a small amount of gunk not cleaned out of it led to a gross infection. Moral of the story was- don’t let the unforgiveness take root in your heart and cause an all out infection in your soul.  However, today I cleaned behind the couch. Like I’m talking pulled it out, took it apart and really got in there with a garbage bag.  A thorough clean out.  It was like a horrible Showbag from the Royal Adelaide Show, filled with old gummy bears, 3 non-matching socks belonging to one Jason McPhee, a golf ball, a crayon, Pokémon cards, a pretzel and a triangle. Yes a TRIANGLE (One of those things you get given in music class if you can’t play anything else.) Gross. But necessary.  To be honest it was so engraine...
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