Hello lovely people and a warm welcome to any new readers. This blog is a journey through depression and anxiety, if this is your first time reading can I encourage you to go back to the first blog where it all began. Thanks to all the readers near and far, its pretty special that we share this experience together.
Oh Maria. My sweet, sweet friend. You changed us all. In your 36 years with us, you loved those around you like no one else, right till the end. Mostly, your beautiful girls. Life has lost so much light without you, you truly brightened this planet. I love you. We miss you, we will remember you xx
This week past, we said goodbye to an amazing chick. She wasn't a lady, that sounds old :) She wasn't a woman because she dressed way to cool for how that sounds :) She was AWESOME. She was a Mummy, a wife, a daughter, sister and friend.
I was talking to one of my closest friends who lives overseas, about Maria. We were saying how hard it is to even begin to describe her to people who hadn't met her, because it doesn't do her justice. She was the coolest, the prettiest, the loveliest. The kind of person you only see a few times a year, but when you see her you feel like you are her best friend, just because of how involved she is in your world. Maria really made me feel like the only person in the room.
It was interesting at her funeral because I knew she made me feel like that, but when I saw all the people she had influenced, I realised, she made us all feel like that. What a gift, what an amazing soul. Augh the words dont even come close to the truth...she was different, one of a kind... You get the idea :)
I wasn't sure if I would include Maria in a blog because I didn't want to be insensitive, but it has affected my life so much that I want to give credit to her life and her legacy.
As far as the subject and reason a lot of you read this blog goes, depersonalisation can and is a very selfish state to be stuck in at these time. I will touch briefly on the experience, but back to Maria. The brain channels everything you talk and think about, inward. I hate it. I use to be the exact opposite. There is a constant self-analysis because you are always aware that you don't feel the same/right.
But let me tell you, on this day, this was not the case. It was too sad, too raw, too real for everyone around me to experience, to make it about my condition. For those who suffer the same/similar condition to mine, I did have to make a choice to make it about Maria and her family and friends. Horrible, I Know. I know it sounds so selfish and it is, but in such a state, you do have to make a deliberate choice to focus outward. It is something we must accept about this disorder, and be extremely aware of, to constantly shift the focus outward.
What took place around us, rocked us all to the core. I will never forget watching 2 young little princesses holding their Daddy's hand and walking behind a coffin holding their Mummy. It was gripping. It was reality in its truest form. Even writing it makes me sick to the pit of my tummy. Such a funeral makes you assess and re-asses every single aspect of your life. In the past, I have given death too much power. It use to be the beginning and end to every single thing I did and said. I was almost obsessed with it for a lot of my life - pre Sam. But as I get older, and experience life and realise just how quick the years tick by, I am learning that we are not long here. That even if we do live to on old age, it is still a flash that goes by quickly. It gets me to thinking about what really truly matters in this life. I think we are fed by the media around us, that we are here to make ourselves happy. To buy a house, get married, have kids, buy stuff, travel. All things, most of which, will fade to nothingness. How compelling, to think that we are investing all our time into things that will not last the distance. Something that hit home to me was that I realised, I actually expect and feel like I deserve to be happy in this life. When I'm not, I blame God and ask Him why He is letting my life be so bad.
It's times like these that I realise, the problem is with me.
Jesus is quite clear about the fact that what we will experience on this earth, will quite possibly suck, and suck real badly. The times we live in are marked with hatred and selfishness. We are surrounded by a fallen world, and a world that quickly and swiftly is removing Jesus from the equation. When we do that, we fall apart, thus the current state of life as we know it.
This life is not supposed to be heaven, it does hurt, it is confusing, there is sickness, it is alot of the time, an up hill struggle. Jesus never promised us that our time here would be perfect, BUT He promised us that he would be there to make a way through it. That He will make us stronger, resilient , capable, stable, loved, supported, nurtured, comforted. I make the mistake all the time of thinking that my time here should be happy and perfect. It is going to be far from that, but in the
dark, through the rain, I am made whole in Jesus. Sick or not, I am whole.
And that's...when...it...clicked...
I am missing pieces. We are missing pieces. Some of us are sick whether it be mentally and/or physically. Some of us must fight a life long battle as parents of children who have a disability/struggle with sickness. Some of us have lost people who are a part of who we are, and now that they are gone, there is a piece of you that you will never get back. I realised while listening to a song called 'unbroken', that although I am missing pieces, God can still restore me daily and I can still carry on in His love and purpose INSPITE of the state I am in. It is a tough pill to swallow, but I feel like the reason for me being on earth isn't to never have a struggle, it is to experience the love of the one who first loved me. To show, prove, resonate that love in my life, regardless of what my life may bring.
And with that revelation, at least for today, I am ok if I never recover.
I KNOW, that one day, I will be whole. Regardless of what the pain of this world has taken from you and whatever pieces you are now missing, YOU will be whole.
Heaven is on its way, and it is more real than this world will ever be. Maria is there right now!! No cancer, no pain, no heartache. When I looked at her ridiculously beautiful girls, and her husband and best friend, It became so real that this is not the end for their family.
This separation- as disgustingly painful as it is, is not permanent.
It will be painful until we are joined again, but that will be forever!! Regardless of my journey and outcome here, I will not be mentally struggling forever. And the even cooler thing is, I am learning that although I have A LOT of missing pieces, I am being made whole- In my heart, right now. Regardless of what state my mind struggles with. It really does set you free when you realise that you aren't in control and that NO MATTER WHAT life will bring you, you have the hope in Jesus, that nothing can destroy you.
We are missing people, missing wellness, missing a life that could be perfect, but friends, what we gain through allowing Jesus into our hearts, that is the key to this life, and that is a healing, our miracle.
This short life may be one hit after the other, but our eternity is written, it is a story with an unbelievable ending! No matter what we face, we have already won. Bad things will happen to good people, the promise is:
Matthew 10:39 "those who find their life on this earth will lose it, but whoever loses their life for my sake, will find it."
2 Cornithains 4: 16-18 - "Therefore, do not loose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light
and momentary struggles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what
we can see is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
For those affected by the loss of Maria, and the disillusion that comes with it, or for those who have asked- why do bad things happen to good people ? I urge you to take a look at this link below.
I am not saying this lightly, the hour that I watched this, it changed my life.
It changed the way I saw everything and had seen it my whole
life. Loui Giglio is brilliant, he is a down to earth Daddy and Papa, and what he has to say in this video is life altering truth that is so easy to forget.
I have the attention span of a 5 year old and even lasted till the end, so please, take the time to invest in what matters most and have a little listen. Grab a cuppa, find some space ( and some wi-fi) and let this truth fill your spirit.
I love you guys, and I hope this helps you the way it helps me everyday. xxoo
Louie Giglio - Anchored to hope : When life hurts most. http://vimeo.com/6467643
Oh Maria. My sweet, sweet friend. You changed us all. In your 36 years with us, you loved those around you like no one else, right till the end. Mostly, your beautiful girls. Life has lost so much light without you, you truly brightened this planet. I love you. We miss you, we will remember you xx
This week past, we said goodbye to an amazing chick. She wasn't a lady, that sounds old :) She wasn't a woman because she dressed way to cool for how that sounds :) She was AWESOME. She was a Mummy, a wife, a daughter, sister and friend.
I was talking to one of my closest friends who lives overseas, about Maria. We were saying how hard it is to even begin to describe her to people who hadn't met her, because it doesn't do her justice. She was the coolest, the prettiest, the loveliest. The kind of person you only see a few times a year, but when you see her you feel like you are her best friend, just because of how involved she is in your world. Maria really made me feel like the only person in the room.
It was interesting at her funeral because I knew she made me feel like that, but when I saw all the people she had influenced, I realised, she made us all feel like that. What a gift, what an amazing soul. Augh the words dont even come close to the truth...she was different, one of a kind... You get the idea :)
I wasn't sure if I would include Maria in a blog because I didn't want to be insensitive, but it has affected my life so much that I want to give credit to her life and her legacy.
As far as the subject and reason a lot of you read this blog goes, depersonalisation can and is a very selfish state to be stuck in at these time. I will touch briefly on the experience, but back to Maria. The brain channels everything you talk and think about, inward. I hate it. I use to be the exact opposite. There is a constant self-analysis because you are always aware that you don't feel the same/right.
But let me tell you, on this day, this was not the case. It was too sad, too raw, too real for everyone around me to experience, to make it about my condition. For those who suffer the same/similar condition to mine, I did have to make a choice to make it about Maria and her family and friends. Horrible, I Know. I know it sounds so selfish and it is, but in such a state, you do have to make a deliberate choice to focus outward. It is something we must accept about this disorder, and be extremely aware of, to constantly shift the focus outward.
What took place around us, rocked us all to the core. I will never forget watching 2 young little princesses holding their Daddy's hand and walking behind a coffin holding their Mummy. It was gripping. It was reality in its truest form. Even writing it makes me sick to the pit of my tummy. Such a funeral makes you assess and re-asses every single aspect of your life. In the past, I have given death too much power. It use to be the beginning and end to every single thing I did and said. I was almost obsessed with it for a lot of my life - pre Sam. But as I get older, and experience life and realise just how quick the years tick by, I am learning that we are not long here. That even if we do live to on old age, it is still a flash that goes by quickly. It gets me to thinking about what really truly matters in this life. I think we are fed by the media around us, that we are here to make ourselves happy. To buy a house, get married, have kids, buy stuff, travel. All things, most of which, will fade to nothingness. How compelling, to think that we are investing all our time into things that will not last the distance. Something that hit home to me was that I realised, I actually expect and feel like I deserve to be happy in this life. When I'm not, I blame God and ask Him why He is letting my life be so bad.
It's times like these that I realise, the problem is with me.
Jesus is quite clear about the fact that what we will experience on this earth, will quite possibly suck, and suck real badly. The times we live in are marked with hatred and selfishness. We are surrounded by a fallen world, and a world that quickly and swiftly is removing Jesus from the equation. When we do that, we fall apart, thus the current state of life as we know it.
This life is not supposed to be heaven, it does hurt, it is confusing, there is sickness, it is alot of the time, an up hill struggle. Jesus never promised us that our time here would be perfect, BUT He promised us that he would be there to make a way through it. That He will make us stronger, resilient , capable, stable, loved, supported, nurtured, comforted. I make the mistake all the time of thinking that my time here should be happy and perfect. It is going to be far from that, but in the
dark, through the rain, I am made whole in Jesus. Sick or not, I am whole.
And that's...when...it...clicked...
I am missing pieces. We are missing pieces. Some of us are sick whether it be mentally and/or physically. Some of us must fight a life long battle as parents of children who have a disability/struggle with sickness. Some of us have lost people who are a part of who we are, and now that they are gone, there is a piece of you that you will never get back. I realised while listening to a song called 'unbroken', that although I am missing pieces, God can still restore me daily and I can still carry on in His love and purpose INSPITE of the state I am in. It is a tough pill to swallow, but I feel like the reason for me being on earth isn't to never have a struggle, it is to experience the love of the one who first loved me. To show, prove, resonate that love in my life, regardless of what my life may bring.
And with that revelation, at least for today, I am ok if I never recover.
I KNOW, that one day, I will be whole. Regardless of what the pain of this world has taken from you and whatever pieces you are now missing, YOU will be whole.
Heaven is on its way, and it is more real than this world will ever be. Maria is there right now!! No cancer, no pain, no heartache. When I looked at her ridiculously beautiful girls, and her husband and best friend, It became so real that this is not the end for their family.
This separation- as disgustingly painful as it is, is not permanent.
It will be painful until we are joined again, but that will be forever!! Regardless of my journey and outcome here, I will not be mentally struggling forever. And the even cooler thing is, I am learning that although I have A LOT of missing pieces, I am being made whole- In my heart, right now. Regardless of what state my mind struggles with. It really does set you free when you realise that you aren't in control and that NO MATTER WHAT life will bring you, you have the hope in Jesus, that nothing can destroy you.
We are missing people, missing wellness, missing a life that could be perfect, but friends, what we gain through allowing Jesus into our hearts, that is the key to this life, and that is a healing, our miracle.
This short life may be one hit after the other, but our eternity is written, it is a story with an unbelievable ending! No matter what we face, we have already won. Bad things will happen to good people, the promise is:
Matthew 10:39 "those who find their life on this earth will lose it, but whoever loses their life for my sake, will find it."
2 Cornithains 4: 16-18 - "Therefore, do not loose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light
and momentary struggles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what
we can see is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
For those affected by the loss of Maria, and the disillusion that comes with it, or for those who have asked- why do bad things happen to good people ? I urge you to take a look at this link below.
I am not saying this lightly, the hour that I watched this, it changed my life.
It changed the way I saw everything and had seen it my whole
life. Loui Giglio is brilliant, he is a down to earth Daddy and Papa, and what he has to say in this video is life altering truth that is so easy to forget.
I have the attention span of a 5 year old and even lasted till the end, so please, take the time to invest in what matters most and have a little listen. Grab a cuppa, find some space ( and some wi-fi) and let this truth fill your spirit.
I love you guys, and I hope this helps you the way it helps me everyday. xxoo
Louie Giglio - Anchored to hope : When life hurts most. http://vimeo.com/6467643
Travel ends, Families break up, Houses fall down, Kids grow up and the stuff you buy goes out of date and gets boring. God never gets boring, God never grows up, God never breaks up with you, God never goes out of date, God NEVER ends. This is why he is the way the truth and the light in our lives and why His glory is so unfathomable to all who haven't felt His spirit over their lives.
ReplyDelete