The night before: Thrive in the storm
Hello Beautiful ones. I'm glad you found me, and I pray these words somehow bring comfort and hope to you on your journey. It has been some time since I've shared on my crazy brain and where it is at ;) Here is a little follow-up for those of you reading who do suffer anxiety, dissociation, depression. Never alone ;) xx
Sam turns 7 tomorrow. I never would have thought this would be me 7 years on. An absolutely beautiful ( in every sense of the word) little 1.5 year old baby girl playing with and cuddling my legs, while I watch my almost 7 year old champion crack up laughing at funniest home videos, and me, almost comfortable in my own skin. Almost "ok" with the unreality that use to haunt me every moment of every day. God has taught me perfect ( well how to have a lot of) peace. The answer wasn't to fix me, but to allow me the honour of taking the journey God thinks is best for me. For now, it looks like this- it looks like a toddler, a school boy, a cheeky husband and an unfinished house. For me, it still looks like a silly old brain that still needs to hide in order to cope, so for now the dissociation is still alive and well every moment.
The difference being I have been set free from the fear, horror and hopelessness that use to encase it. People often ask- what would it look like if you got better, what would change? And for those who have travelled the same road or have found this blog by searching for info on the net, you would agree that it is next to impossible to explain that answer to someone else...
Hmmmm I'll have a go.
The brain is an incredible, amazing creation isn't it? As I've shared previously on other blogs, with the trauma of Sam's emergency c-section, accompanied with my pre-existing anxiety condition, my brain went into protection mode when he was born and put me in a state of numbness called depersonalisation, that we all experience in times of trauma. The problem being my brain didn't switch the mechanism back off. So I've remained in a detached state since the birth of my son. Many doctors have tried to work out why. My memory sucks and it is different to yours. I often see and experience the same things that my mum or my husband do, but basically we file it away differently. As certain parts of my brain receptors are blocked due to the cleverness of the creation of the brain itself, I experience life differently and it gets stored differently. So when I try to recall
those memories, it is what they refer to as " tunnel vision" , a very basic memory that almost seems like I saw it on a movie and it didn't happen to me. At times I have no recollection of things, especially the start of Sam's life. It is as though it didn't happen due to the trauma my brain experienced. As I explained before, the parts of my brain that are still very much there but inactive in my consciousness, prevent me from experiencing what everyone around me does for what it really is. There is no depth of emotion and lack of it feeling like it is happening to me. It feels a lot like life happens in front of me and I'm watching it from behind glass. I write these symptoms so that people reading and suffering can say " ahhh YES!! Me too!" I remember finding those people for myself and it changed my life.
I struggle with not remembering, because I want to be able to. I especially can't re-live anything. It is virtually impossible, in fact my doctors have said in this brain state those receptors aren't responding in my conscious brain. So I'm actually not experiencing it for what it is.
Accepting that set me free.
The doctor told me a few years ago that trying to force myself to relive and remember will actually push the memories further away. I sometimes try so hard to remember Sam at Kindy or Bella being born but it's like I have to dig so so hard and it's barely there. So weird I know. The crazy part is at night I get a treat, when my eyes are shut and I'm falling asleep I can sometimes get what I call "snippets" where for a few seconds just before I sleep I get a few actual normal moments and every thing is clear. It is amazing. Again, the doctors explained that the barrier up is a sub- conscious protection mechanism and when I am asleep that actually comes down. So I dream in more reality than I live. I dream with a lot of emotion, the second I become conscious the brain kicks in and the wall is up. CRAZY. So therapeutic to understand it all. So I see the same things people next to me do, but I experience it to a different capacity and therefore remember it to a different level.
I appear a certain way and of course it looks completely normal and at times there is a normality to this, well, abnormality. It becomes life. But every moment I am aware that I feel different and not present. And I'm ok with that. Like really. I'm so excited to share why.
I have never been more sure of my healing.
Joy in sorrow. What a silly thing. That doesn't go together. What I have learnt is that joy in pain doesn't mean happiness. It means hope. It means living in the reality that there is an underlying cause, and eternal hope and a true champion who has come to redeem us so that the pain doesn't burn so deeply.
James 1: 2-4
"2 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. 3 You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. 4 So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. "
That verse, right there, is the beginning and end of the story for me. It says it all. I can say whole heartedly and with complete honesty, that I am thankful and see it as a sheer gift that I am where I am. And as I look back on this blog, I cannot even begin to believe that I would have said those words. It is coming up seven years since my brain changed and dissociated, It would have made me feel literally sick to the core to read this to myself 5 years ago, but God has revealed hope to me, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes tear after tear. Hope I would not have learnt to need had I not been deficient in a lot of ways.
I have learnt the beautiful art of not wanting to "get out" of this part of the journey. I've learnt to suck the life out of today, even if that means for some days I got up and I existed and that's all I could do. I've learnt to thrive in the storm, to know that my brain is a mess, but my goodness, my heart has been made new.
I don't just exist now, but really, Jesus has taught me through his own story of trauma and pain, that I can thrive right now where I am. I love that! I love that he comes to a broken brain and heals a heart. I love that had I not gone on this particular path, I may never have been truly set free from my past. I love that I don't know what is coming next and I can't control it and I don't need to. I feel safe and cared for and hopeful.
Once upon I time, those words would have been the opposite for me. I know that wholeness is coming for me, not because I'm going to wake up one day "fixed", but because I'm already on that journey and I am watching it happen before my eyes.
Give him that deep dark part that you cannot bare. I promise, He will make it into something of worth and value for your heart.
All my love xxoo
Hello Beautiful ones. I'm glad you found me, and I pray these words somehow bring comfort and hope to you on your journey. It has been some time since I've shared on my crazy brain and where it is at ;) Here is a little follow-up for those of you reading who do suffer anxiety, dissociation, depression. Never alone ;) xx
Sam turns 7 tomorrow. I never would have thought this would be me 7 years on. An absolutely beautiful ( in every sense of the word) little 1.5 year old baby girl playing with and cuddling my legs, while I watch my almost 7 year old champion crack up laughing at funniest home videos, and me, almost comfortable in my own skin. Almost "ok" with the unreality that use to haunt me every moment of every day. God has taught me perfect ( well how to have a lot of) peace. The answer wasn't to fix me, but to allow me the honour of taking the journey God thinks is best for me. For now, it looks like this- it looks like a toddler, a school boy, a cheeky husband and an unfinished house. For me, it still looks like a silly old brain that still needs to hide in order to cope, so for now the dissociation is still alive and well every moment.
The difference being I have been set free from the fear, horror and hopelessness that use to encase it. People often ask- what would it look like if you got better, what would change? And for those who have travelled the same road or have found this blog by searching for info on the net, you would agree that it is next to impossible to explain that answer to someone else...
Hmmmm I'll have a go.
The brain is an incredible, amazing creation isn't it? As I've shared previously on other blogs, with the trauma of Sam's emergency c-section, accompanied with my pre-existing anxiety condition, my brain went into protection mode when he was born and put me in a state of numbness called depersonalisation, that we all experience in times of trauma. The problem being my brain didn't switch the mechanism back off. So I've remained in a detached state since the birth of my son. Many doctors have tried to work out why. My memory sucks and it is different to yours. I often see and experience the same things that my mum or my husband do, but basically we file it away differently. As certain parts of my brain receptors are blocked due to the cleverness of the creation of the brain itself, I experience life differently and it gets stored differently. So when I try to recall
those memories, it is what they refer to as " tunnel vision" , a very basic memory that almost seems like I saw it on a movie and it didn't happen to me. At times I have no recollection of things, especially the start of Sam's life. It is as though it didn't happen due to the trauma my brain experienced. As I explained before, the parts of my brain that are still very much there but inactive in my consciousness, prevent me from experiencing what everyone around me does for what it really is. There is no depth of emotion and lack of it feeling like it is happening to me. It feels a lot like life happens in front of me and I'm watching it from behind glass. I write these symptoms so that people reading and suffering can say " ahhh YES!! Me too!" I remember finding those people for myself and it changed my life.
I struggle with not remembering, because I want to be able to. I especially can't re-live anything. It is virtually impossible, in fact my doctors have said in this brain state those receptors aren't responding in my conscious brain. So I'm actually not experiencing it for what it is.
Accepting that set me free.
The doctor told me a few years ago that trying to force myself to relive and remember will actually push the memories further away. I sometimes try so hard to remember Sam at Kindy or Bella being born but it's like I have to dig so so hard and it's barely there. So weird I know. The crazy part is at night I get a treat, when my eyes are shut and I'm falling asleep I can sometimes get what I call "snippets" where for a few seconds just before I sleep I get a few actual normal moments and every thing is clear. It is amazing. Again, the doctors explained that the barrier up is a sub- conscious protection mechanism and when I am asleep that actually comes down. So I dream in more reality than I live. I dream with a lot of emotion, the second I become conscious the brain kicks in and the wall is up. CRAZY. So therapeutic to understand it all. So I see the same things people next to me do, but I experience it to a different capacity and therefore remember it to a different level.
I appear a certain way and of course it looks completely normal and at times there is a normality to this, well, abnormality. It becomes life. But every moment I am aware that I feel different and not present. And I'm ok with that. Like really. I'm so excited to share why.
I have never been more sure of my healing.
Joy in sorrow. What a silly thing. That doesn't go together. What I have learnt is that joy in pain doesn't mean happiness. It means hope. It means living in the reality that there is an underlying cause, and eternal hope and a true champion who has come to redeem us so that the pain doesn't burn so deeply.
James 1: 2-4
"2 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. 3 You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. 4 So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. "
That verse, right there, is the beginning and end of the story for me. It says it all. I can say whole heartedly and with complete honesty, that I am thankful and see it as a sheer gift that I am where I am. And as I look back on this blog, I cannot even begin to believe that I would have said those words. It is coming up seven years since my brain changed and dissociated, It would have made me feel literally sick to the core to read this to myself 5 years ago, but God has revealed hope to me, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes tear after tear. Hope I would not have learnt to need had I not been deficient in a lot of ways.
I have learnt the beautiful art of not wanting to "get out" of this part of the journey. I've learnt to suck the life out of today, even if that means for some days I got up and I existed and that's all I could do. I've learnt to thrive in the storm, to know that my brain is a mess, but my goodness, my heart has been made new.
I don't just exist now, but really, Jesus has taught me through his own story of trauma and pain, that I can thrive right now where I am. I love that! I love that he comes to a broken brain and heals a heart. I love that had I not gone on this particular path, I may never have been truly set free from my past. I love that I don't know what is coming next and I can't control it and I don't need to. I feel safe and cared for and hopeful.
Once upon I time, those words would have been the opposite for me. I know that wholeness is coming for me, not because I'm going to wake up one day "fixed", but because I'm already on that journey and I am watching it happen before my eyes.
Give him that deep dark part that you cannot bare. I promise, He will make it into something of worth and value for your heart.
All my love xxoo
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