Anchored To Hope

I can't complain about gardens, more often than not ours is the disgrace of the street, suburb even. If you give us something green, we will kill it. I promise. When we lived south there was a Granny who lived across the road from Sam's school. She had long, long, loooong white hair, it was long. So long. She had eyes that pierced the soul like she knew about any secret that I possessed. She was the one who would be the serial killer in CSI or a thriller movie fo shaw! Every morning rain or sun, winter or summer,  you would see her on her knees weeding every single weed. Every one. It was Immaculate. Between each carefully planted flower were pristine white rocks, positioned so perfectly it was like she laid each one in its place.  In the rain, she was there. In 40 degree heat, she was there. Her work spoke of her tenacity and discipline. Her garden praised her loyalty and dedication. One day, she wasn't there. The next day, she wasn't there. Slowly each day...

Life is an unpredictable rush. Someone once said " the days are long, but the years are short." Isn't that the truth !? Thoughts like " Gee I wish Bella could just be at school so I can be more productive", Followed closely by the utter devastation that she is already 3 years old. She's been on the planet for 3 years. Before that she wasn't here. Where was she? Sometimes I cannot even believe that my body created, held and birthed my children. From nothing; their eyes, body parts, vital organs, BRAINS  were formed. Inside my tummy that didn't have anything but my organs in there. How did that even happen? Where did the eyeballs come from and how did they even get in my tummy? How did an entire new person enter this world all of a sudden? They are half me and half Jason!! How incredibly mental!!! Something I've realised since having children is that they have now become the measuring stick for how fast life is going. Sam is 8 years old, I w...

You know why I have my faith? Because it was tested. Because it withstood the test. Because I doubted. I not only questioned but I resented everything about the bible. The system I knew had failed me. I didn't feel God. He didn't speak. Once I made the decision to walk away, it didn't take long for a spiral to occur. I went from questioning God, to completely hating him in a short time. Hating anything to do with Him. The church, my husband. But you know what, I needed that. I needed to grieve for the religion I had created in my own mind. The false version of Jesus that I had decided He was. I had to be re-doctrinated in that facts, the truth. It so happened that my husband ( biggest actual legend ever) who met God at 16, was spending  hours and hours with a group of atheists, to sharpen his own mind, and also show them a version of Christianity that didn't suck. As per everyone who meets him, they fell in love with his mind but also his heart for them. F...

So....after so many conversations with so many amazing, capable, brilliant people who also suffer, , I've decided to write about the outs and ins of the anxiety / depression experiences I had/ have, and what has helped/ not helped. I read an extremely intellectual article this week about mental illness and physical illness. A comparative piece about how if we could physically show what's happening in our bodies, what the reaction would be of the world around us. I often say to my husband if I'm suffering, "please picture me right now with my arm severed. With blood oozing and absolute agony. I'm suffering in a real way and I need you to know. " Anxiety isn't just feeling worried and depression isn't being sad. Anxiety and depression are obsessive, irrational onslaughts of a million thoughts that cannot be slowed down. It's all consuming. It isn't feeling scared, or worried, it's a chemical reaction that literally tells your brain t...

The true reality in writing out my journey for the world to read is, one day, my children may read this and ask a lot of questions.  I wasn't prepared however, for my 8 year old to start quite so early. I mentioned to Jason a few days ago that I needed to pick up my medication. Sam piped up with : " I didn't know you needed medicine Mum, I thought you were healthy! How long have you been taking that medicine for? " " Oh......about 8.5 years",  I replied - exchanging glances with my husband.  " That's exactly how old I am mum! You must have started taking that medicine right near when I was born!" I froze. Yep. That's right little buddy, having you sent me to the funny farm ;) Just jokes, but what could I say? I chose the old : "So whoooo wants a muffin?!" At what age can I say what happened, and will I be all healed by then? Will this all be a memory and a story I'll get to tell them that seems so distant and not...

Here's a fun fact. I met Jason when I was a teenager, and I fell in love with him before I actually properly met him. True story.  It was a weird night. I went to this event called Church Together at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre where all the churches in SA , well,  come together. I went with my friends and we sat to the side of the stage. I looked down and saw the " 2 bucks crew" a bunch of boys who did crazy stuff together. The worship songs were playing, we were singing.  My eyes wandered over to these single boys, who happened to be my age, skate board, punk music....of course I was there for Jesus ;) Instantly something ( someone ) caught my eye. Of all of those boys all sitting together down near the stage, one stood. One stood alone, with his strong arms raised to Jesus, and it was real. You could just tell. I was mesmerised. I said then and there to God :  " that is exactly what I want ." At that moment that boy standing up looked over a...

Is it just me, or is life ridiculously busy right now? Maybe I'm tired. I think we are always busy. Every one always seems tired, or run down or time poor. We live fast don't we. Faster than I ever did as a child. In so many ways it seems so much more productive, and yet in other ways I feel ripped off. Like the other day I had to wait for someone while Bella and I were in the car, and for a second I held her hand. Then I found myself really looking for a long time. I found myself intricately looking over her finger prints, her nail bed, the texture of her skin, softness of her little fingers.  I over look that treasure every day.  Recently I was having one of those days, where your mind is on fire with thoughts of doubt and heaviness. I'd been feeling pretty gross about the fact that I even need medication to live a normal life, plus the affect it has on my once athletic body, long and short term. I Was being overcome with thoughts about not being the best version ...