Get Real, Banana Peel.

The true reality in writing out my journey for the world to read is, one day, my children may read this and ask a lot of questions.

I wasn't prepared however, for my 8 year old to start quite so early. I mentioned to Jason a few days ago that I needed to pick up my medication.

Sam piped up with : " I didn't know you needed medicine Mum, I thought you were healthy! How long have you been taking that medicine for? "

" Oh......about 8.5 years", I replied - exchanging glances with my husband.

" That's exactly how old I am mum! You must have started taking that medicine right near when I was born!"

I froze. Yep. That's right little buddy, having you sent me to the funny farm ;) Just jokes, but what could I say? I chose the old : "So whoooo wants a muffin?!"

At what age can I say what happened, and will I be all healed by then? Will this all be a memory and a story I'll get to tell them that seems so distant and not thought of anymore? At the start of this journey I cursed God and his timing. But the longer I spend here on this page of my life, the better I'm understanding the whole book. 8 years in a bubble of numb. I really didn't think I'd survive that, let alone look down the barrel of an uncertain sentence. Let alone learn to somewhat thrive in the storm!!

You know what though, I'm not going to hide this from them, when the time comes, it comes. Just like I don't hide it from you. Let's be real. I want them to know that this exists, and sadly due to genetics, it's possible they might experience it to some degree. Let's talk about it.

Talk about it.

Talk about your suffering, or bad attitude, or indiscretion. Pick someone you trust that loves you and TELL THEM.

Life is all about being real. We all have a heart beat, we all get hurt, we all fall short. Don't be afraid of it. We were born into sin and pain. Don't pretend it isn't there.

Look at it square in the eye and face it, demolish it, get victory over it.

I remember once a doctor said to me :

" Lisa I don't know what to do with you, I feel so desperately to save you, I don't know how. We've tried everything, I don't know what else I can do...Just lay low and pray it goes away. "

You know what Mr psychiatrist, just because you don't have the answer doesn't mean God doesn't. I said to him:

"Ummm. Nah. I'm not gonna rock in a ball in foetal position in the corner of my lounge another day. I'm not going to lay-low and pretend this isn't happening. I'm going to look at each day the best I can and do what I can with what I have left".

Let me tell you friends, God surely blessed that decision. Each task I say yes to, God fulfills the needs I have for it to be done. Each time I feel like I can't and shouldn't and I'm not qualified and people don't know my brain and how weird this feels and, and, and and....Each time I step out, God gives me the next piece of the puzzle. I have often said to my husband that it's like blackness, complete darkness since this all happened. Each step a lantern, torch, whatever, has lit up the very next stepping stone In front of me. Enough for me to feel secure and safe, but 100% completely unsure and yep, afraid, of what's ahead. Which for an utter control freak, is torture. But it's worth it.

Get real, banana peel. We are all human with our own stuff, tell someone.

On a last note, don't forget how much God loves you. Like He really does. Not because of performance, but literally just because He does. Because you are His. Because you belong. Share your thoughts with Him.

Just now, Bella runs to me after chewing on her cheek, she has a new thing for chewies thanks Aunty Wasell ( Rochelle). I love it, she's hilarious. But I heard her scream from 4 rooms away as I was doing my hair in the bathroom. I heard the crying getting closer and closer. She got to me and asked for a cuddle and of course, I obliged and comforted her with "baby, it hurts I know. It's ok" . With that she ran off back to the cubby.

That's all she wanted. That's all she needed.

It didn't take the pain away, it didn't stop it from happening and no doubt it will happen again. But she needed that placebo moment of comfort that makes children think the pain disappears the second Mummy kisses it. She got hurt and went to the place she knew would love and comfort and accept her, no pants and all.

This is God. His one request is that you come as you are. Don't sugar coat it, don't pray like you're reciting a speech, just chat to Him. Open up. Let Him be your bestie.

He's the best kind of friend.

All my love xx

Comments

Meet Me In The Mess xx

What a horrific week. Australia was left heart broken and the footy world gutted as we lost a key leader of the game to a disease of the mind- suicide. The christian world has been rocked by another young pastor with a young family , taking his life only days ago. As someone advocating for the awareness and treatment of mental illness for over 10 years via this blog- We need to talk. I’ve been asked my thoughts/ advice / experience on this latest topic of Pastors and Suicide and to be perfectly honest- it’s tough. It’s tough because there is no one size fits all. There is no “depression” and “anxiety” that fit neatly into a little box with a bow on top. It’s messy. We’re messy. We all are. Do I believe God is still God and God is still good and brilliant and beautiful and a healer and a comforter? - Yes I do. But I also believe we as a society are living beyond our means. We are over stimulated and under responsive, we’re addicted, w...

Bricks & Mortar

Happy Easter beautiful readers. Thank you for relentlessly taking this journey with me. To say it humbles me would be an incredible understatement. What an amazing time of year. Easter. The notion that what we believe isn't a story, but in fact a reality, and it begs us to re-evaluate the true state of happenings we are living in. One would dare say, a state of emergency. Isn't it so incredibly easy to have God in the background , and keep busy in our treasures we are storing on this earth, which ultimately have zero value. I find One always gives way to the other. I know for me, in the times when Jesus is so madly on my case ( well He always is, I just don't always want to listen ) I get this glimpse of what walking in the spirit of Jesus actually looks like. What my life should look like everyday. But I've got my own stuff to do, my own TV shows to obsess over, my own problems to mull over, my own children to take up my time. I segregate God and my life, li...

The Vicious Cycle

Last night, my husband sat with me in the car and we held hands in silence, as I let the tears roll down my cheeks. This continous cycle is almost predictable yet I cannot break it. Im not sure what to share and what to hold onto. I want this blog to be an inspiration, but I also promised truth. I believe by sharing the truth of the situation that in turn some of you can identify with the pain of this and feel less isolated. So, here I am. In the same lounge room that Sam learnt to crawl in , yet I have no recollection of him doing so. I'll take the chance now to tell you that I have found an amazing pycologist who is redefining my thoughts and perceptions of my entire life so far. The benefits have been immeasurable and the amount I have learnt is mind blowing, yet I reach this point where as much as that helps, I am still in the prison of my own mind and its perception of reality- I still feel removed from life and its emotions and responses. Can I just say, that le...

The Mess In The Message xx

Hey Fam! I wrote this blog last week, before the news of another pastor caught in a web of infidelity made its way to the headlines. Ouch. That one hurt my heart. They all do, but that one was deep. Thankfully, the only need we have is Jesus, the only mentor we can fully trust is Jesus. The only wisdom and encouragement we need is found in His word. So with that in mind, here’s the words I plopped down last week: Hello Friends, new and old. 2020. Here we are. On the eve of an election, in the heat of a pandemic, on the edge of our seats hoping and praying that 2021 will be a new start. We’re imperfect humans with a perfect God. We’re simultaneously broken and whole. We are living in this timeline of fallen humanity and perfect peace. Flesh and Spirit. We as humans are in the constant wrestle of the world and God, pleasure and pain, jealousy, anger, bitterness, forgiveness, happiness, desperation, excitement, disappointment. Essentially, if we a...

The best and worst day of the year

Hey folks, thanks for reading again. I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement. You are lovely. So today is an emotional day, especially for queenslanders in our country. Our prayers are with you xxoo I was hesitant to blog today, wanting to be sensitive to the natural disasters happening so closely around us, and also because it is an emotional day. A combination of my parents leaving for overseas for a month, and it being Sams birthday. We fit so much into one day, mcdonalds for breakfast, pizza hut for lunch, yogi bear at the movies, slip and slide, pirate ship dinner...massive day. So my little baby is 4. For those dealing with the same/similar condition as me you would know what I mean when I say I literally dont know where the years have gone. I think a sad thing is that Sams birthday is always going to be hard for me. I need to make it about him and his life, not about me. But I was saying to Jas on the way home tonight, it is really hard having Sams birthday, also b...

Butterflies and Caterpillars.

Today I had the privilege of watching the beautiful view from our bedroom, and to watch Bella see a butterfly for the first time. We watched it sit on the blossoms and then all of a sudden, to Bella's amazement, it flew!! Bella couldn't believe it! The butterflies flew up and down and all around the garden. They flew where ever they wanted with abandon. The colours were bright and beautiful, they were free. In that moment I heard a whisper into my soul. I love these whispers, they have sustained me. Jesus quietly spoke to my heart and revealed to me that as caterpillars, the butterflies lived a completely different life. They didn't know at the time that a transformation was taking place, and in the cocoon, in the darkest time when the world seemed the most bleak, that's when the greatest change of all was taking place. In our cocoons, trials, suffering , the fire refines us. It burns away garbage and whatever it leaves becomes invaluable and strong. The pain in ...

That Time Of Year

Hello and welcome to the festive season! Our house was all ablaze yesterday with christmas decorations and the pageant and lights. Jason in this case, is definitely more the kid than Sam and I. Actually, Sam is quite the same as his dad and for those who know Jas, one of the first things you would know about him is that he is christmas obsessed. When he was 4 he told his mum that his dream when he grew up was to be Father Christmas. That dream unfortunately, still rings true in Jas's ears :) Bless his cotton ( and holey) socks off. So I had 2 kids yesterday ( inclusive of the big kid) running around the house singing and dancing. Sam was yelling "merry christmas and a happy new your" in his little accidental american accent ( I blame sesame street). I love how he is still mixing words up, I know that wont always be the case, but for now things like 'fat battery' and 'hide and sink' and still very cute and funny. I had one of those moments where you stop ...

Till Death Do Us Part

Here's a fun fact. I met Jason when I was a teenager, and I fell in love with him before I actually properly met him. True story. It was a weird night. I went to this event called Church Together at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre where all the churches in SA , well, come together. I went with my friends and we sat to the side of the stage. I looked down and saw the " 2 bucks crew" a bunch of boys who did crazy stuff together. The worship songs were playing, we were singing. My eyes wandered over to these single boys, who happened to be my age, skate board, punk music....of course I was there for Jesus ;) Instantly something ( someone ) caught my eye. Of all of those boys all sitting together down near the stage, one stood. One stood alone, with his strong arms raised to Jesus, and it was real. You could just tell. I was mesmerised. I said then and there to God : " that is exactly what I want ." At that moment that boy standing up looked over a...

2019 : Fresh Or Fester

Welcome to 2019 my friends! I always get this niggle right before a blog makes its complicated and tumultuous journey from my brain to the page. A brewing if you will. It’s this amalgamation of what is being taught to my mind and what I’m experiencing in my heart. Mixed with ramblings from my wild and at some times unkept mind. Every day is a choice. New Years is interesting isn’t it? We all of a sudden have a clean out. We de clutter our homes and our minds. We anticipate change. A fresh start. Our “best year yet”. It’s like we sit and wait and hope with clenched hands over hearts that “This will be the year” etc. It’s noble at best, but empty if not met with the outworking that such a notion requires. So what does the outworking look like? Because without a change in behaviour, 2019 will slowly but surely be a continued pattern of 2018. Life is a continuous set of choices. So in ...

Feeling the Love

Hello Friends, Firstly, thank you. It has been incredibly encouraging and lovely to recieve so much feedback and personal stories from you all. Thank you for listening and caring. Isn't depression and anxiety such a...a...cough cough, I won't insert the words that first came to mind :) It affects so many of us and we struggle through, mostly alone. Lets talk about it, get it out, get help, get better. I love you all so very much. Today was a good day, we went to the zoo with friends, Sam was funny. He is starting to remember things that I don't and it makes me sad, but I think part of that is also plain old life. Enrollments for kindy went thru today and Sammy is starting next term. Crazy!!! My niece Anna is too cute, I love to cuddle her ( although I try to dismiss the constant self analysis " do I love her?", " should I feel more towards her", silly old brain). The fact is, shes damn cute :) A few of you asked so I thought I'd update on the ...

Anchored To Hope

Search This Blog