You know why I have my faith?
Because it was tested.
Because it withstood the test.
Because I doubted.
I not only questioned but I resented everything about the bible.
The system I knew had failed me.
I didn't feel God. He didn't speak.
Once I made the decision to walk away, it didn't take long for a spiral to occur. I went from questioning God, to completely hating him in a short time. Hating anything to do with Him. The church, my husband.
But you know what, I needed that. I needed to grieve for the religion I had created in my own mind. The false version of Jesus that I had decided He was. I had to be re-doctrinated in that facts, the truth.
It so happened that my husband ( biggest actual legend ever) who met God at 16, was spending hours and hours with a group of atheists, to sharpen his own mind, and also show them a version of Christianity that didn't suck. As per everyone who meets him, they fell in love with his mind but also his heart for them. For God. It challenged what he believed , which was the goal, but it also challenged what they thought they believed.
This time only strengthened his belief system. Watching that take place changed me. I asked the real tough questions, and when he answered them beautifully, I'd reply with some coarse language towards Him and God followed by a door slam.
It didn't shake him.
I think I've mentioned this story on here before, but this was the moment that awoke my soul...
My sensitive, patient , kind-hearted husband was sitting through yet another onslaught of how much I hated God and the theory of Jesus. He was patient and calm as per usual, then all of a sudden he snapped.
It was like he'd taken so many hits for this cause, that he couldn't remain rational anymore and as much as I hated it, I really needed it. As I began my usual rant about God never showing up, my onslaught was interrupted-
" ...You know why you can't find God babe? Because you are spoilt !!!......
You've had this gift your entire life.
You've never known the darkness, the hopelessness of going to sleep at night and laying down to the thoughts that this is it. There is nothing else. Complete emptiness. You've always had the possibility and hope that there is a God, it's been taught to you and modelled to you. You don't know the feeling of despair that comes with a soul that has no purpose.
You are asking me how do I "feel" God?
That's like asking me to feel a splash on my face when I'm completely immersed underwater.
I'm always consumed by Him, He has never left me since the day I invited Him into my heart. He doesn't come and go Lisa, He comes and He stays, whether you get a fuzzy feeling or not is irrelevant.
You've always been underwater. You've always had that understanding or the hope that maybe there is something else, so you can't even notice it anymore.
You take it for granted.
When I asked Jesus into my life, every thing about my life changed. Everything. I will never be the same. I came Alive, there was hope and purpose and reason. I will never ever be the same.
So do I need God to give me a feeling? He has already given me everything. He's given me life. Don't squash His greatness down to a sensation you are looking for. "
Wow. That moment changed me forever.
Shut up Lisa, stop trying to put God in a box and then claim rejection and abandonment for it not working out. So many of my friends who are Pastor's kids from our era are the same, and it is no reflection on our parents, well not on mine anyway. My parents modelled God beautifully and it still completely shapes who I am today. But that didn't stop me from needing to find God for myself.
This is a process I'm aware my children too will face. They will need to find God for themselves. I love that it looks different for each person, because God made us different. That's why I hate it when people pigeon hole what other Christians should look like, as if there is a mould that we all need to look like to qualify. God becoming real in my life looked a lot different to the way it did in Jason's life. Who are any of us to judge where God is at in our story.
Here's my encouragement. Let go of your expectations you have of God. I can guarantee He won't fit in any of your boxes. Even though my journey of real deep faith hasn't been long, God still busts down all the doors that I try and lock Him in...
Why didn't you do that? I asked for this? What's next? Where are you? I've got you all worked out...oh wait, what the?
God is not a feeling. He is a reality. God is God. What he promises that He is, He is.
He doesn't promise to be a feeling, although those times can be special, He promises to never leave you or forsake you. To give you an eternity with Him, He promises forgiveness that we don't deserve, He promises redemption and restoration and HE DELIVERS IT ALL.
God exceeds our minds and hearts. We won't ever have him sorted. But I gotta say, the Jesus I came to know by living out hell, is totally so much more awesome than the one I created. Getting to know Him for myself as we walk out life together is so completely different that what I grew up thinking it was.
We try so hard to model that to our kids, to allow them to see portions of horror in the world, to teach them to be able to witness and see the reality of the Hand of God amid those things. To not see God as a silent figure that points and laughs and throws lightning bolts, but a loving author who wrote this very story. Who is completely involved and with us till this story is fully completed.
A God so unreachable, so unattainable- yet willingly became flesh to break down the barrier between creator and created. He owes us nothing. There's literally nothing else He could give us. So next time you feel like a prayer is unanswered, just look around you and see that you have more than you need. You have a Father that created you just because He wanted to love you, a heart that is beating, eyes that are reading this, His word to guide us through circumstances, His Spirit to walk that out WITH us, each other to have beside us.
You have so much.
Don't be spoilt. Be thankful.
I love you guys so much xx
Because it was tested.
Because it withstood the test.
Because I doubted.
I not only questioned but I resented everything about the bible.
The system I knew had failed me.
I didn't feel God. He didn't speak.
Once I made the decision to walk away, it didn't take long for a spiral to occur. I went from questioning God, to completely hating him in a short time. Hating anything to do with Him. The church, my husband.
But you know what, I needed that. I needed to grieve for the religion I had created in my own mind. The false version of Jesus that I had decided He was. I had to be re-doctrinated in that facts, the truth.
It so happened that my husband ( biggest actual legend ever) who met God at 16, was spending hours and hours with a group of atheists, to sharpen his own mind, and also show them a version of Christianity that didn't suck. As per everyone who meets him, they fell in love with his mind but also his heart for them. For God. It challenged what he believed , which was the goal, but it also challenged what they thought they believed.
This time only strengthened his belief system. Watching that take place changed me. I asked the real tough questions, and when he answered them beautifully, I'd reply with some coarse language towards Him and God followed by a door slam.
It didn't shake him.
I think I've mentioned this story on here before, but this was the moment that awoke my soul...
My sensitive, patient , kind-hearted husband was sitting through yet another onslaught of how much I hated God and the theory of Jesus. He was patient and calm as per usual, then all of a sudden he snapped.
It was like he'd taken so many hits for this cause, that he couldn't remain rational anymore and as much as I hated it, I really needed it. As I began my usual rant about God never showing up, my onslaught was interrupted-
" ...You know why you can't find God babe? Because you are spoilt !!!......
You've had this gift your entire life.
You've never known the darkness, the hopelessness of going to sleep at night and laying down to the thoughts that this is it. There is nothing else. Complete emptiness. You've always had the possibility and hope that there is a God, it's been taught to you and modelled to you. You don't know the feeling of despair that comes with a soul that has no purpose.
You are asking me how do I "feel" God?
That's like asking me to feel a splash on my face when I'm completely immersed underwater.
I'm always consumed by Him, He has never left me since the day I invited Him into my heart. He doesn't come and go Lisa, He comes and He stays, whether you get a fuzzy feeling or not is irrelevant.
You've always been underwater. You've always had that understanding or the hope that maybe there is something else, so you can't even notice it anymore.
You take it for granted.
When I asked Jesus into my life, every thing about my life changed. Everything. I will never be the same. I came Alive, there was hope and purpose and reason. I will never ever be the same.
So do I need God to give me a feeling? He has already given me everything. He's given me life. Don't squash His greatness down to a sensation you are looking for. "
Wow. That moment changed me forever.
Shut up Lisa, stop trying to put God in a box and then claim rejection and abandonment for it not working out. So many of my friends who are Pastor's kids from our era are the same, and it is no reflection on our parents, well not on mine anyway. My parents modelled God beautifully and it still completely shapes who I am today. But that didn't stop me from needing to find God for myself.
This is a process I'm aware my children too will face. They will need to find God for themselves. I love that it looks different for each person, because God made us different. That's why I hate it when people pigeon hole what other Christians should look like, as if there is a mould that we all need to look like to qualify. God becoming real in my life looked a lot different to the way it did in Jason's life. Who are any of us to judge where God is at in our story.
Here's my encouragement. Let go of your expectations you have of God. I can guarantee He won't fit in any of your boxes. Even though my journey of real deep faith hasn't been long, God still busts down all the doors that I try and lock Him in...
Why didn't you do that? I asked for this? What's next? Where are you? I've got you all worked out...oh wait, what the?
God is not a feeling. He is a reality. God is God. What he promises that He is, He is.
He doesn't promise to be a feeling, although those times can be special, He promises to never leave you or forsake you. To give you an eternity with Him, He promises forgiveness that we don't deserve, He promises redemption and restoration and HE DELIVERS IT ALL.
God exceeds our minds and hearts. We won't ever have him sorted. But I gotta say, the Jesus I came to know by living out hell, is totally so much more awesome than the one I created. Getting to know Him for myself as we walk out life together is so completely different that what I grew up thinking it was.
We try so hard to model that to our kids, to allow them to see portions of horror in the world, to teach them to be able to witness and see the reality of the Hand of God amid those things. To not see God as a silent figure that points and laughs and throws lightning bolts, but a loving author who wrote this very story. Who is completely involved and with us till this story is fully completed.
A God so unreachable, so unattainable- yet willingly became flesh to break down the barrier between creator and created. He owes us nothing. There's literally nothing else He could give us. So next time you feel like a prayer is unanswered, just look around you and see that you have more than you need. You have a Father that created you just because He wanted to love you, a heart that is beating, eyes that are reading this, His word to guide us through circumstances, His Spirit to walk that out WITH us, each other to have beside us.
You have so much.
Don't be spoilt. Be thankful.
I love you guys so much xx
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