Anxiety.
The most loyal of companions.
A pounding chest. Resonating so loudly through my entire being that I can hear the pulsating in my ears and my head and feel it in my fingers and bones- right to my core. My thrashing heart beating as hard, fast and out of control as It can without exploding out of my chest. It's the soundtrack to my anxiety.
I call it mine because it belongs to me.
In all senses of the word.
It is unlike anyone else's anxiety.
It is mine.
Yours is yours.
I have learned to make that sensation and nonsense and reality my best mate. To welcome it like a dear friend that I know and trust, after all, we've never really been apart.
And all though it is such a dear and familiar friend, anxiety betrays my trust and takes on another form that I wasn't expecting and I didn't know. A new mask.
For an old acquaintance, it is sometimes so unfamiliar.
And then all of a sudden, like a faithful old companion- I'm thrust into my adolescence re living that smash of my heart on my chest relentlessly reminding me that I am not Ok, that rush of cold blood, the need to run but nowhere you arrive at will take the edge off. The terror you feel when you'd do anything to make it stop with the knowledge that nothing will.
You just have to ride it, you have to breath in air and breath out desperation.
It's isolating isn't it?
You can be swarmed in the embrace of your soul mate with all of his being begging for your healing, and feel alone. Without any words spoken between you, you both know how desperate he is to hug this out of you. To hold you so tight that nothing can harm you.
But this isn't his battle.
It's yours.
And as much as you allow anxiety to become your best friend, it will betray you and in someways it will always be a battle. It's a battle for control.
I sit here in control.
With my heart begging for a moments peace, my mind racing, my body shaking, my eyes blurry.
My body betrays me.
But it's my body.
Anxiety, my dearest most loyal friend...I own you.
You live in my body. You have whatever power I say you do. Right now I let you exist in my body, I accept you, I breath you In and breath you out knowing full well, that soon, you will have run your race for another lap and I'll be free for a while.
Until next time.
But even then old mate, I'll be ready for you.
Breath in and breath out.
All my love xxxx
The most loyal of companions.
A pounding chest. Resonating so loudly through my entire being that I can hear the pulsating in my ears and my head and feel it in my fingers and bones- right to my core. My thrashing heart beating as hard, fast and out of control as It can without exploding out of my chest. It's the soundtrack to my anxiety.
I call it mine because it belongs to me.
In all senses of the word.
It is unlike anyone else's anxiety.
It is mine.
Yours is yours.
I have learned to make that sensation and nonsense and reality my best mate. To welcome it like a dear friend that I know and trust, after all, we've never really been apart.
And all though it is such a dear and familiar friend, anxiety betrays my trust and takes on another form that I wasn't expecting and I didn't know. A new mask.
For an old acquaintance, it is sometimes so unfamiliar.
And then all of a sudden, like a faithful old companion- I'm thrust into my adolescence re living that smash of my heart on my chest relentlessly reminding me that I am not Ok, that rush of cold blood, the need to run but nowhere you arrive at will take the edge off. The terror you feel when you'd do anything to make it stop with the knowledge that nothing will.
You just have to ride it, you have to breath in air and breath out desperation.
It's isolating isn't it?
You can be swarmed in the embrace of your soul mate with all of his being begging for your healing, and feel alone. Without any words spoken between you, you both know how desperate he is to hug this out of you. To hold you so tight that nothing can harm you.
But this isn't his battle.
It's yours.
And as much as you allow anxiety to become your best friend, it will betray you and in someways it will always be a battle. It's a battle for control.
I sit here in control.
With my heart begging for a moments peace, my mind racing, my body shaking, my eyes blurry.
My body betrays me.
But it's my body.
Anxiety, my dearest most loyal friend...I own you.
You live in my body. You have whatever power I say you do. Right now I let you exist in my body, I accept you, I breath you In and breath you out knowing full well, that soon, you will have run your race for another lap and I'll be free for a while.
Until next time.
But even then old mate, I'll be ready for you.
Breath in and breath out.
All my love xxxx
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