keep holding on

I'm baaaaaaaaaack.....
So after countless attempts at entering my email address to get a new password, only to find there was no email with my new password, I realised I was entering in the wrong email address. I have been locked out of my own blog!! haha. I thought I would never get back here.
It is smack bang in the middle of the Queensland floods and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you :(

You have unfortunately caught me on a flat day. I promised that I would blog with consistancy and honesty so here it is. I have been a human guinea pig for the past few months, in a strong attempt to jolt this depersonalisation. With the up and down dosage of 3 new meds, my mood, depression and weight has been up and down too. It has been really tricky to cope with the inconsistancy. As I write this I feel really insensitive to all of the other chaos happening in the world at the moment, but that chaos is always there regradless of how the news covers it. It is devastating and there are no words for it.
I guess regardless of what is happening around us, with mental illness, you cannot switch it off when you need to. It lingers and presents itself even when you really dont need it around.
I have had 2 trips to marcus since my last blog. The first was a real encouragement. He asked a lot of questions and prayed for me and I started a new med which sedated me and I walked around like a zombie for a few weeks. When I saw him again I think some depression had flared up and he was really concerned for me and didnt want me to give up hope. So I am on my second to last medication change. We are just crossing everything off the list so we know we have tried our best to break the cycle of unreality that my brain is stuck in. I understand the cost of changing meds, but the side effects far outway the possible outcome of what the meds could do. It is worth it to me.

With the last med it I suffered agitation, which for those who have been there, its horrid. Possibly the worst anxiety symptom for me. Its the feeling where no matter where you are, you cannot rest. You need to move and you cant accept where you are. It is a restlessness that nothing can distract you from. So that has only just worn off for me. It was a few weeks and it really was hard torment. So heres the plan from here on in, I keep trying this new med ( its my 4th day), it makes me sleepy :( but in a few weeks it could kick in and change my life. It also might not. So after this there is one more hormone medication we are trying and if that doesnt change things........then its BABY TIME! People ask me if Im excited to get pregnant. Um, its a hard one. Im sure if I experienced excitiment I would be, but like most things in my life, it is kinda numbing. Although Im not over the moon excited, I have a peace in my heart that this is what God has for us next. I have a gut feeling that this pregnancy could do really good things for my health. Who knows what is in store.

2011 seems to not have had the greatest start for a lot of people. I wish I had the answers, but all we can do is press on and somehow move forward. These trying times have a great habit of changing us for life. Making us fragile, yet stronger. Sad, yet motivated to do more with life. It changes what we thought we knew and who we thought we were. I pray that no matter what your circumstance, you feel that peace in your heart that you know, although its hard, Good is coming. We are all waiting for a miracle, whether it big or small. Keep holding on.

All my love xxoo

Comments

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