So here we go...another blog, fresh from the surgery of Marcus. Its weird and kinda vulnerable writing after such an intense moment in my life. All of my appointments rock me to the core, but I usually give myself a little while to process and work through the information before I share it with all of you. Today you are simply hearing it as I'm thinking it for the first time. Scary for all of us :)
Isnt life weird. We are all searching for something consistant and safe. A place in our lives where finally we feel happy and secure and like we are functioning the best we ever could. It hit me today that this day might be the best I ever get. It scares me. I am waiting for the day when I feel like Lisa again, and in my head that day will be amazing. Life will be perfect. I will be full of feelings and love and happiness. When in reality, life will still be hard, if not depersonalisation ( shivers i just realised my name is in that word :), it will be another hurdle I will have to face. Life seems to me that if I could remove depersonalisation from my life, it would be perfect. But it sure as heck wasnt perfect before I had it. I know of so many people going through all different heartaches, brokeness, and there is some pain that you cant just turn off. Thats why although I left the surgery today disheartened, I left it thinking that I need to make the most of today. This life may not work out the way we plan it in our head, but the more time I spend wishing it was different, the more time I waste not enjoying Sam today. Even if the memory is gone tomorrow :(
This is where the title Mrs Kodak comes from. It is a name given to me by my family because you will always find me with a camera in my hand. If you look on facebook I have new photos all the time. This is because for me and my condition, once the moment has passed, it is gone. Man Im gonna cry...Thats why I take photos of every moment of Sams life, big and small, because at least I have evidence and something to look at when the memory is gone. That is what I grieve for most in all of this. My Sammy. He in constantly changing, his height, his vocab, his personality. He is growing all the time, and I only know what I see today. I dont remember him as a baby, or a 2 year old, I just have what I have infront of me today. And I need to cherish that because although I cant access the memories of him in my head, I CAN hold him today. Although I may not remember what he was like, I can kiss his lips right now and tell him I love him.
I am learning, the very heartwrenching way, that today is simply all that matters. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, but what I have today. And in a few minutes my beautiful boy will run through the door and into my arms, and I will have a cup of tea with my mummy and a laugh, and a cuddle with my neice and watch her squeal. I need to make the most of every single moment.
So Mrs Kodak I am, and I will be for all the time to come. I love photos, I always have. They freeze the moment and record it for all time.
From a medical point of view, I am still on 2 types of medication. One to keep me from falling into depression, another to combat and try to disrupt my brain chemicals to shock them back into normality and out of the silly cycle that keeps me here. It heavily sedates me until I get use to the medication so I need to get early nights. If you ever have any questions about what I am taking or what it is called please inbox me or leave a comment, I am more than happy to share any details that might help someone else along their journey. So at this stage I will be on these 2 medications for another 3 weeks to see if any change takes place, and then I see Marcus again. I think I am getting use to these medications not working so I hold little hope for recovery, but you never know. I dont want Marcus to give up on me, I know he hasnt. But he suggested a psycologist today who helps you to 'live with the condition', and up till now we have been fighting it. It feels a little like we are just accepting the inevitable that I will be stuck here forever.( Lisa you silly girl, dont listen to those yucky thoughts that tell you the silly lies.)
I am not defeated. There is a plan here and I am believing that even when I cant see it, especially when I cant see it. If the road looked easy, there would be no faith required. I still believe there is something bigger than me going on here, that there is a plan and a purpose and I cant lose hope. We need to make the most of today and what it brings, we never know what tomorrow holds. In all of these blogs, I want to people suffering to know that day in and day out the stuggle is relentless, but you are not the only person. You arent some freak that is different to everyone else, you are actually incredibly normal. Depression /anxiety/ depersonalisation is ridiculously common, you would never pick it. But let me remind you that this time, although difficult, is making us stronger and more able to cope with life when we get better. It is changing who we are strengthening us to be able to be a strength to others one day. There is a plan, dont lose hope.
All my love xxoo
Isnt life weird. We are all searching for something consistant and safe. A place in our lives where finally we feel happy and secure and like we are functioning the best we ever could. It hit me today that this day might be the best I ever get. It scares me. I am waiting for the day when I feel like Lisa again, and in my head that day will be amazing. Life will be perfect. I will be full of feelings and love and happiness. When in reality, life will still be hard, if not depersonalisation ( shivers i just realised my name is in that word :), it will be another hurdle I will have to face. Life seems to me that if I could remove depersonalisation from my life, it would be perfect. But it sure as heck wasnt perfect before I had it. I know of so many people going through all different heartaches, brokeness, and there is some pain that you cant just turn off. Thats why although I left the surgery today disheartened, I left it thinking that I need to make the most of today. This life may not work out the way we plan it in our head, but the more time I spend wishing it was different, the more time I waste not enjoying Sam today. Even if the memory is gone tomorrow :(
This is where the title Mrs Kodak comes from. It is a name given to me by my family because you will always find me with a camera in my hand. If you look on facebook I have new photos all the time. This is because for me and my condition, once the moment has passed, it is gone. Man Im gonna cry...Thats why I take photos of every moment of Sams life, big and small, because at least I have evidence and something to look at when the memory is gone. That is what I grieve for most in all of this. My Sammy. He in constantly changing, his height, his vocab, his personality. He is growing all the time, and I only know what I see today. I dont remember him as a baby, or a 2 year old, I just have what I have infront of me today. And I need to cherish that because although I cant access the memories of him in my head, I CAN hold him today. Although I may not remember what he was like, I can kiss his lips right now and tell him I love him.
I am learning, the very heartwrenching way, that today is simply all that matters. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, but what I have today. And in a few minutes my beautiful boy will run through the door and into my arms, and I will have a cup of tea with my mummy and a laugh, and a cuddle with my neice and watch her squeal. I need to make the most of every single moment.
So Mrs Kodak I am, and I will be for all the time to come. I love photos, I always have. They freeze the moment and record it for all time.
From a medical point of view, I am still on 2 types of medication. One to keep me from falling into depression, another to combat and try to disrupt my brain chemicals to shock them back into normality and out of the silly cycle that keeps me here. It heavily sedates me until I get use to the medication so I need to get early nights. If you ever have any questions about what I am taking or what it is called please inbox me or leave a comment, I am more than happy to share any details that might help someone else along their journey. So at this stage I will be on these 2 medications for another 3 weeks to see if any change takes place, and then I see Marcus again. I think I am getting use to these medications not working so I hold little hope for recovery, but you never know. I dont want Marcus to give up on me, I know he hasnt. But he suggested a psycologist today who helps you to 'live with the condition', and up till now we have been fighting it. It feels a little like we are just accepting the inevitable that I will be stuck here forever.( Lisa you silly girl, dont listen to those yucky thoughts that tell you the silly lies.)
I am not defeated. There is a plan here and I am believing that even when I cant see it, especially when I cant see it. If the road looked easy, there would be no faith required. I still believe there is something bigger than me going on here, that there is a plan and a purpose and I cant lose hope. We need to make the most of today and what it brings, we never know what tomorrow holds. In all of these blogs, I want to people suffering to know that day in and day out the stuggle is relentless, but you are not the only person. You arent some freak that is different to everyone else, you are actually incredibly normal. Depression /anxiety/ depersonalisation is ridiculously common, you would never pick it. But let me remind you that this time, although difficult, is making us stronger and more able to cope with life when we get better. It is changing who we are strengthening us to be able to be a strength to others one day. There is a plan, dont lose hope.
All my love xxoo
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