Helloooooo friends! wow it was been over a week! I am very sorry. My little family and me have been very sick, chest infections a plenty. Hideous things they are, I have been in bed almost everyday and Sam has been crook as anything. We are definitely, finally, on the mend. Way too many trips to the doctor!
So where to start? It was kindy day again today, Sam acts so grown up when we get there and when we get home, its pretty funny. He seems to have grown more in the last 2 weeks, he is fully becoming a real little man, not a little toddler anymore. It makes me happy and sad. And its only recently that I feel I can say that without trying to explain that I am still not normal. I have had a change it mind set and it has been a choice. I am sad that Sam is growing so quick, but happy that he is becoming such a beautiful individual. I am grateful that we spent today together, tomorrow isnt guaranteed, not even our next breath is.
I feel a big weight has been lifted from me, and it was a weight I tied to myself. In saying this, for those who suffer in the same ways as me out there, I am still not myself, I do still feel depersonalised and all that same stuff I have explained, but with a major difference. I have stopped analysing. I am ( well I am in the process of learning) taking control of my thoughts. I realised I was a slave to them. Although those daily thoughts I had were true and valid, they weren't helpful for me to dwell on. Continous thoughts such as, do I feel normal today? will I ever feel myself again? what do I actually feel? do I really feel love and emotion? am I stuck here? will God heal me? do I appear normal? am I the only one like this? is this a dream? how old will Sam be when I become normal? how much will I miss out on before I am back? why me? These thoughts were all that was in my head all the time. It set my mind and heart up to become a victim and when I felt sorry for myself, I felt like I had a right to be better. Instead, accepting that this is what it is and right now I cant change it, has somewhat freed my mind up to think of other things. Things such as how beautiful Sams lips are, and how beautiful and funny my husband is. It helps me to see what I do have, instead of what I am missing. If I think about it all like I use to, I could get very sad right now and feel like im missing out, but there is a lot I do have. There is a lot to be grateful for, and for now, I want to hold to that.
Life is pretty short, even if we live to an old age, it is still not long. I want to take in what I can, to whatever capacity I am able. There is a lot of power in our thoughts, they determine our actions. It is a fight, Im not going to lie, it has not been easy silencing the thoughts that do have a lot of truth to them. But it has been refreshing to have a little break from the consistancy of them. The thought process we get ourselves into can be extremely draining, I guess thats why God encourages us to let Him renew our minds and hearts all the time so that He can be the truth that determines our thought life. Its a hard one folks, I struggle all the time. But for now thats where I am at, and for as long as I can, I will try and focus on what the day holds.
Lots of love xxoo
So where to start? It was kindy day again today, Sam acts so grown up when we get there and when we get home, its pretty funny. He seems to have grown more in the last 2 weeks, he is fully becoming a real little man, not a little toddler anymore. It makes me happy and sad. And its only recently that I feel I can say that without trying to explain that I am still not normal. I have had a change it mind set and it has been a choice. I am sad that Sam is growing so quick, but happy that he is becoming such a beautiful individual. I am grateful that we spent today together, tomorrow isnt guaranteed, not even our next breath is.
I feel a big weight has been lifted from me, and it was a weight I tied to myself. In saying this, for those who suffer in the same ways as me out there, I am still not myself, I do still feel depersonalised and all that same stuff I have explained, but with a major difference. I have stopped analysing. I am ( well I am in the process of learning) taking control of my thoughts. I realised I was a slave to them. Although those daily thoughts I had were true and valid, they weren't helpful for me to dwell on. Continous thoughts such as, do I feel normal today? will I ever feel myself again? what do I actually feel? do I really feel love and emotion? am I stuck here? will God heal me? do I appear normal? am I the only one like this? is this a dream? how old will Sam be when I become normal? how much will I miss out on before I am back? why me? These thoughts were all that was in my head all the time. It set my mind and heart up to become a victim and when I felt sorry for myself, I felt like I had a right to be better. Instead, accepting that this is what it is and right now I cant change it, has somewhat freed my mind up to think of other things. Things such as how beautiful Sams lips are, and how beautiful and funny my husband is. It helps me to see what I do have, instead of what I am missing. If I think about it all like I use to, I could get very sad right now and feel like im missing out, but there is a lot I do have. There is a lot to be grateful for, and for now, I want to hold to that.
Life is pretty short, even if we live to an old age, it is still not long. I want to take in what I can, to whatever capacity I am able. There is a lot of power in our thoughts, they determine our actions. It is a fight, Im not going to lie, it has not been easy silencing the thoughts that do have a lot of truth to them. But it has been refreshing to have a little break from the consistancy of them. The thought process we get ourselves into can be extremely draining, I guess thats why God encourages us to let Him renew our minds and hearts all the time so that He can be the truth that determines our thought life. Its a hard one folks, I struggle all the time. But for now thats where I am at, and for as long as I can, I will try and focus on what the day holds.
Lots of love xxoo
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