Today, I have again been reminded of the truth and character of God. Although I cannot for the most part, feel Him, I have no choice but to see Him at work and give Him credit that is due.
I began the day in a circle of self pity. Thoughts that I was stuck forever in a time trap, isolated and alone, watching the world turn without me. The thought that Sam is a kindy boy in one more sleep, and yet I remember almost nothing of his life, and of what I remember, I cannot relate or experience along with the memory. If I allow myself to, I become a massive victim. It seems cruel and unfair that I cannot look at my son and feel an overwhelming sense of ownership and adoration. It seems almost a tease that on the outside my life by all means, should be an almost perfect one. A beautiful husband and son, supporting and loving family and friends, growing ministry along side best friends, more things in life than one would ever need, yet I have a big massive hole that nothing can fill.
At times it is so empty and lonely in here.
I want to be this brutally honest because if I know one thing for sure, it's that I am not the only one going through this. The main reason I started this blog was to be as honest and as raw as possible, convey the truth and confusion that comes along with anxiety, depression and depersonalisation.
It sucks.
It feels like a never ending bad dream sometimes. It feels like if you could just shake it out of your head things would be clearer. That you are one little step from everything being perfect.
But you just....can't....reach it .
I can't get inside my head and make it clear and make the perception right again. There is a malfunction that I can't get to. It is out of my control. I spent some of today just holding my head and saying to myself " the answer to all of this in just inside here, it's in this head, but I can't get to it". Augh it is frustrating sometimes. I find on these days, I question God the most.
It's hard because I can't question His existance. I look at the sky and sunset and even at birth and babies, and I simply cannot deny God. I don't even deny that He loves people and that He is at work, not even in my darkest moments. I think God really does love people and is doing amazing things. It just sometimes feels a lot like he isn't looking my way. I prayed this prayer this morning in the car as I began another day that felt like the same as every other, so I wrote it down:
"My Jesus,
I cant deny You, Your creation. I believe that you do love people and are at work, I just find it hard to personalise it these days. Even though I don't see it, even though everything else is screaming that you have forgotten me, I chose to believe that you are still at work, and that you still see me. "
I think I felt angry at Him, and you know what, despite what people say or think, I think God is ok with that. I felt angry at Him and I told Him. Why have you left me here? Why after all these years of working with children and loving my friends kids and dying to have my own, why did you let me be so removed and distant when my own beautiful boy came along. Why. Why... Even if God healed me right here and now, I still can't get back the past 3 years. Each day that goes by is another day that I can't get back. I can't cherish and reminisce.
It happened, and it is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I think one of the worst parts of mental illness is that you appear normal and yourself, from the outside. The real trauma and pain is internal and extremely personal and so hard to explain. I took a friend to see a doctor yesterday regarding some sleeping tablets due to bad anxiety. It was days since they had slept. The doctor had NO CLUE about anxiety, depression, depersonalisation. He kept talking to us like we were stupid, or insane ( possibly :) , or speaking a different language.
The thing is, we were speaking a different language to him. I think those who suffer would agree that one of the hardest most frustrating things on this earth is to try and explain what you are going through, to someone who has not experienced it. I try thousands of different ways and I know people have no idea, it is lovely that they try to understand though :) But by no means did this doctor try to understand. He was almost cruel. In the end, we got the tablets and left the place saying a few not so lovely words about him. But it was so frustrating because luckily, we knew what we needed and how to get it.
What if a new mum walked in there with no support system and just needed some help, and got that guy!? I am never surprised when I hear that a baby has been left outside a hospital or sad stories like that, because the mother needs serious help, she is suffering to a depth no one else can really understand. Post Natal Illness is the closest to hell that I have ever been, and the closest I ever hope I will have to get. Help is out there, but even surrounded with love and support, I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, so I assume other new Mothers wonder the same.
It made me thank God for my Psyciatrist Marcus. That miracle, I cannot deny.
I spent 3 years, probably the 3 most important years of my life, being told by another doctor that I was normal, that I was over analysing, that what I felt was just life and I needed to accept it. I felt abnormal and hopeless, yet a professional told me to accept it and move on. After a while I stopped telling her that I didn't love Sam, that I had no memory or passion, that I never slept. I just went in, lied, and went out. Now days, I hang out to see Marcus because I know he knows where I am at. He knows me and he knows my situation and whether he helps me get better or not, he already changed my life the day he told me that he believed me and validated what I experience as real.
So here is me, validating your experience. What you feel is hard, and scary, and lonely and it is not the way life is meant to be. But what you feel is real. I believe you. Whether we can change it or not, please know that you are not alone or abnormal, that we suffer the same, along with thousands, millions of others and that there are good doctors out there who know there stuff and want to help. They are worth seeking out. Can I encourage you to ask God to bring a doctor into your life if you need it, because Marcus was by far the greatest answer to prayer in my entire life. I feel like I'm in this battle with him and I trust him. We fight it together.
What affects me a lot is when I think of others who are suffering, whether it be depression or anxiety or anything along those lines, and you are suffering alone. I can think of nothing worse. Can I encourage you that you are not crazy, you are actually normal, so many people suffer in these areas. The world is moving too fast, we are working too hard, too long, our brains are mush. Our culture is setting us up to all end up in the same state. You are not crazy, so do not be ashamed. I am not ashamed. Let people in, especially the ones close to you. Let people help you through this. Don't try and be strong anymore, because now is a time when you need to collapse in someones arms and tell them you aren't ok. Let someone else carry the burden with you for a while. One of God's greatest gifts in these times, Is the people and family he surrounds you with.
Let Him cuddle you through them.
So although I started the day angry and bitter, I end it with this...HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW.
Some days I don't believe, some days I can't even bring myself to pray, but...He will never leave or forsake me. I don't feel it, but I believe it.
The road ahead can look extremely dark, one step at a time folks. We are taking it together and we will find our way out. One day, this trying time we had, will light the way for someone else to make a way out. I want to finish tonight with a poem a brilliant friend of mine wrote after reading the 'run with horses' blog. She is an amazing talent in many senses of the word, but her biggest talent is her friendship and ability to listen and actually hear me, not just my words. Here is an amazing poem she wrote, take from it what you will, may God reach you through it in the same way he reached me...all my love xxoo
A new day is knit and born while you sleep
Birthed over tide's turn that pulls the moon to rest
It breaks and it falls,
Fragrant, gentle, sweet
Quietly it rushes to fill night's withdraw
Buoyed by hope, the sun floats
Dawn's balloon released from under horizon
No string, it finds it's place
And draws a path to shine on every aspect
And with His say, the gift comes
Unassuming and complete
Wrapped in each breath and each beat of your heart
Possibility's promise and choices like stars
Stud your eyelids before they separate
To take in the canvas and page crisp & clean
Whitewashed by the light after dark
And He waits
And He hopes
That today you will live
- Amy Marsland
I began the day in a circle of self pity. Thoughts that I was stuck forever in a time trap, isolated and alone, watching the world turn without me. The thought that Sam is a kindy boy in one more sleep, and yet I remember almost nothing of his life, and of what I remember, I cannot relate or experience along with the memory. If I allow myself to, I become a massive victim. It seems cruel and unfair that I cannot look at my son and feel an overwhelming sense of ownership and adoration. It seems almost a tease that on the outside my life by all means, should be an almost perfect one. A beautiful husband and son, supporting and loving family and friends, growing ministry along side best friends, more things in life than one would ever need, yet I have a big massive hole that nothing can fill.
At times it is so empty and lonely in here.
I want to be this brutally honest because if I know one thing for sure, it's that I am not the only one going through this. The main reason I started this blog was to be as honest and as raw as possible, convey the truth and confusion that comes along with anxiety, depression and depersonalisation.
It sucks.
It feels like a never ending bad dream sometimes. It feels like if you could just shake it out of your head things would be clearer. That you are one little step from everything being perfect.
But you just....can't....reach it .
I can't get inside my head and make it clear and make the perception right again. There is a malfunction that I can't get to. It is out of my control. I spent some of today just holding my head and saying to myself " the answer to all of this in just inside here, it's in this head, but I can't get to it". Augh it is frustrating sometimes. I find on these days, I question God the most.
It's hard because I can't question His existance. I look at the sky and sunset and even at birth and babies, and I simply cannot deny God. I don't even deny that He loves people and that He is at work, not even in my darkest moments. I think God really does love people and is doing amazing things. It just sometimes feels a lot like he isn't looking my way. I prayed this prayer this morning in the car as I began another day that felt like the same as every other, so I wrote it down:
"My Jesus,
I cant deny You, Your creation. I believe that you do love people and are at work, I just find it hard to personalise it these days. Even though I don't see it, even though everything else is screaming that you have forgotten me, I chose to believe that you are still at work, and that you still see me. "
I think I felt angry at Him, and you know what, despite what people say or think, I think God is ok with that. I felt angry at Him and I told Him. Why have you left me here? Why after all these years of working with children and loving my friends kids and dying to have my own, why did you let me be so removed and distant when my own beautiful boy came along. Why. Why... Even if God healed me right here and now, I still can't get back the past 3 years. Each day that goes by is another day that I can't get back. I can't cherish and reminisce.
It happened, and it is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I think one of the worst parts of mental illness is that you appear normal and yourself, from the outside. The real trauma and pain is internal and extremely personal and so hard to explain. I took a friend to see a doctor yesterday regarding some sleeping tablets due to bad anxiety. It was days since they had slept. The doctor had NO CLUE about anxiety, depression, depersonalisation. He kept talking to us like we were stupid, or insane ( possibly :) , or speaking a different language.
The thing is, we were speaking a different language to him. I think those who suffer would agree that one of the hardest most frustrating things on this earth is to try and explain what you are going through, to someone who has not experienced it. I try thousands of different ways and I know people have no idea, it is lovely that they try to understand though :) But by no means did this doctor try to understand. He was almost cruel. In the end, we got the tablets and left the place saying a few not so lovely words about him. But it was so frustrating because luckily, we knew what we needed and how to get it.
What if a new mum walked in there with no support system and just needed some help, and got that guy!? I am never surprised when I hear that a baby has been left outside a hospital or sad stories like that, because the mother needs serious help, she is suffering to a depth no one else can really understand. Post Natal Illness is the closest to hell that I have ever been, and the closest I ever hope I will have to get. Help is out there, but even surrounded with love and support, I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, so I assume other new Mothers wonder the same.
It made me thank God for my Psyciatrist Marcus. That miracle, I cannot deny.
I spent 3 years, probably the 3 most important years of my life, being told by another doctor that I was normal, that I was over analysing, that what I felt was just life and I needed to accept it. I felt abnormal and hopeless, yet a professional told me to accept it and move on. After a while I stopped telling her that I didn't love Sam, that I had no memory or passion, that I never slept. I just went in, lied, and went out. Now days, I hang out to see Marcus because I know he knows where I am at. He knows me and he knows my situation and whether he helps me get better or not, he already changed my life the day he told me that he believed me and validated what I experience as real.
So here is me, validating your experience. What you feel is hard, and scary, and lonely and it is not the way life is meant to be. But what you feel is real. I believe you. Whether we can change it or not, please know that you are not alone or abnormal, that we suffer the same, along with thousands, millions of others and that there are good doctors out there who know there stuff and want to help. They are worth seeking out. Can I encourage you to ask God to bring a doctor into your life if you need it, because Marcus was by far the greatest answer to prayer in my entire life. I feel like I'm in this battle with him and I trust him. We fight it together.
What affects me a lot is when I think of others who are suffering, whether it be depression or anxiety or anything along those lines, and you are suffering alone. I can think of nothing worse. Can I encourage you that you are not crazy, you are actually normal, so many people suffer in these areas. The world is moving too fast, we are working too hard, too long, our brains are mush. Our culture is setting us up to all end up in the same state. You are not crazy, so do not be ashamed. I am not ashamed. Let people in, especially the ones close to you. Let people help you through this. Don't try and be strong anymore, because now is a time when you need to collapse in someones arms and tell them you aren't ok. Let someone else carry the burden with you for a while. One of God's greatest gifts in these times, Is the people and family he surrounds you with.
Let Him cuddle you through them.
So although I started the day angry and bitter, I end it with this...HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW.
Some days I don't believe, some days I can't even bring myself to pray, but...He will never leave or forsake me. I don't feel it, but I believe it.
The road ahead can look extremely dark, one step at a time folks. We are taking it together and we will find our way out. One day, this trying time we had, will light the way for someone else to make a way out. I want to finish tonight with a poem a brilliant friend of mine wrote after reading the 'run with horses' blog. She is an amazing talent in many senses of the word, but her biggest talent is her friendship and ability to listen and actually hear me, not just my words. Here is an amazing poem she wrote, take from it what you will, may God reach you through it in the same way he reached me...all my love xxoo
A new day is knit and born while you sleep
Birthed over tide's turn that pulls the moon to rest
It breaks and it falls,
Fragrant, gentle, sweet
Quietly it rushes to fill night's withdraw
Buoyed by hope, the sun floats
Dawn's balloon released from under horizon
No string, it finds it's place
And draws a path to shine on every aspect
And with His say, the gift comes
Unassuming and complete
Wrapped in each breath and each beat of your heart
Possibility's promise and choices like stars
Stud your eyelids before they separate
To take in the canvas and page crisp & clean
Whitewashed by the light after dark
And He waits
And He hopes
That today you will live
- Amy Marsland
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