Hey friends, Thanks again for reading, listening, writing, it is so encouraging to know that in sharing this, you are progressing and encouraged in your own journeys. It has been a little while since my last entry, life has been a little crazy and busy. Just a heads up, if this is the first time you have seen the blog, can I encourage you to have a little peep at the first entry just to get the full story and understanding of the stages of the blog. xxoo
Monday morning, our lives turned from having a baby, to being defined by terms and school holidays for the next 13+ years. The beginning of kindy. Sam was pumped. He walked into our room at 6am with his bag and lunch box and was ready to go. I took about a billion photos and videos to make sure I could look back on it. 6gb to be exact.
Sammy couldn't wait to get into the gate and play with the kids. It was like he grew up instantly. His teachers are beautiful people and are great with him. It was a weird day. From a depersonalisation point of view, I knew I wasn't normal or feeling all the things I would have, before giving birth or as my 'normal self', but I really tried to soak in what I could for my sake and for Sams. When I kissed him goodbye I wasn't sad, and that affected me. I use to be a kindergarten teacher and I would cry when other kids parents left for the first time. Now its my own son and I'm ok. I found myself assessing where I was at and what I was feeling, so I tried to take control of my thoughts and cherish the moment for what I could. It was hard. I think I didnt realise how hard until I got in the car and started crying. I dont know if its just how I work, or if everyone with depersonalisation disorder has this, but I find I have no idea when 'Im going to cry, and a lot of the time I dont know why I am crying. I can't pick what has made me react and a lot of the time I'm not actually even sad. I think yesterday I was upset because being in a kindy reminded me of who and how I use to be, and on a milestone day, on a day that we should remember forever, I couldnt be there in the way I wanted and needed. Jesus really helped me through and is really teaching me what is important in this life. What I need to hold onto and what I can let go of and live without. It is tough.
Sam loved every second of kindy, when we picked him up he was right up the front of the class being very cute. He fit right in and it was really good to see him adapting to something new so well. Mind you from the second we got home, Sam seemed to think he ran the joint and we are still in the process of teaching him who is the boss and how to adjust to the changes in his life.
I remember when I first had Sam and I was incredibly paralysed with constant anxiety and panic (PNA) the doctor told me it would be 2 weeks until the medication kicked in. I remember thinking to myself, 2 weeks! I can't lose 2 weeks of my babys life before I feel myself! Now 3 years on, I am still saying the same thing. Depersonalisation disorder means the cloud never lifts, the unreality and numbness is present 24/7 ,7days a week. No relief, not ever for a second, so in some ways you do make a 'normal' out of it. You get use to the sensations and days and months can pass quickly. The sad part for me is adding Sam into it, when months pass quickly with no memory, but they have been crucial months in Sams life. Although I need to accept where I am and trust God, I also feel an urgency to get well to finally experience life with Sam and Jas and my family and friends.
Now for today, this morning I saw Marcus. It was interesting. I feel as though God is wanting me to trust Him more and not put all my faith in doctors. In the same way though, Marcus is a christian and is seeking God too, so its awesome to know we are on the same page. He was really encouraging. Prayed a lot for me and talked through some therapy with me. We tried to find any fragments in my mind but again it was blank. When Marcus prays for me, the things he commits to God and the things he asks for show me so much that he understands where I am at, and what I need in order to feel myself. That in itself is such a relief, I feel understood by someone who professionally knows what I am going through. I will stay on the medication I am on for another 4 weeks, then try a new one on the market. We are trying medications because they can break the cycle in my brain and break the detatchment. Nearly everyone experiences depersonalisation at some stage, people come in and out of it. That kind of experience is also referred to as depersonalisation, however if it lingers and is persistant, it is referred to as an actual depersonalisation disorder, meaning that you are in a constant state of depersonalistion all of the time with no relief. When you experience depersonalisation, it will leave, if it starts quickly it will more than likely end quickly. If however, you find yourself stuck in the state of mind for several months can I suggest you go and seek help from a professional. There are treatments available that can help. There is a line between experiencing it from time to time, and suffering a disorder. The disorder will be more fierce and relentless, and help is there.
Because of the length of time I have had depersonalisation (almost 4 years) without a second of change, we are exploring different ways of treating it. So in 4 weeks I will go on this new medication and from there we will see. If that doesnt shake my brain chemicals up, possibly getting pregnant can have a massive affect on brain function and chemicals. Plus, if I were well, we would be having a second child already. Im not going to put our lives on hold for this disorder. If Marcus thinks it is ok, and God wants it for our family, pregnancy will be an option probably in the new year. For all the mums who have suffered PND/PNA...YES!!! IM SCARED!! :) Potentially I could get very sick again, but I could also get well so we will have to see. All in all, Marcus helped me in all different ways today and I am grateful.
God is a good God. I believe that. I believe that He knows me well. Even when it feels like He doesnt rock up, He has a plan and Im trusting it. How we view life and our trials has a huge affect on what we are going through. If I live like a victim, I become one. If I live like a daughter of the King, I become that. So can I encourage you to take your thoughts captive and committ your mind and heart to God and ask Him to protect it. It is when we are most vulnerable and suffering that the enemy comes to destroy. God has other plans, there is no where on earth we can go that he cant reach us. Mental Illness feels a lot like he cannot reach us, but He is at work regardless of our perceptions and emotions.
Today as Marcus prayed for me, Jesus put a song in my head. Here are the words that really brought God into my heart today, He came and met me in my far away place and brought me comfort...
Long after the tears fall I'm still your child
I put down my defenses and lay down my pride
Love and forgiveness flow in deep and wide
So I run to you and surrender all!
As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
In times of trouble, though trials may come
The rock of ages is standing strong
I'm fighting battles, but the war is won
So I'll run to you and surrender all
More of You and less of me, God
Friends, we are going to make it through. We are going to become all that we were created for, after all, we are already becoming that right now. Chins up, eyes fixed on the one who brings hope and freedom. xxoo
Monday morning, our lives turned from having a baby, to being defined by terms and school holidays for the next 13+ years. The beginning of kindy. Sam was pumped. He walked into our room at 6am with his bag and lunch box and was ready to go. I took about a billion photos and videos to make sure I could look back on it. 6gb to be exact.
Sammy couldn't wait to get into the gate and play with the kids. It was like he grew up instantly. His teachers are beautiful people and are great with him. It was a weird day. From a depersonalisation point of view, I knew I wasn't normal or feeling all the things I would have, before giving birth or as my 'normal self', but I really tried to soak in what I could for my sake and for Sams. When I kissed him goodbye I wasn't sad, and that affected me. I use to be a kindergarten teacher and I would cry when other kids parents left for the first time. Now its my own son and I'm ok. I found myself assessing where I was at and what I was feeling, so I tried to take control of my thoughts and cherish the moment for what I could. It was hard. I think I didnt realise how hard until I got in the car and started crying. I dont know if its just how I work, or if everyone with depersonalisation disorder has this, but I find I have no idea when 'Im going to cry, and a lot of the time I dont know why I am crying. I can't pick what has made me react and a lot of the time I'm not actually even sad. I think yesterday I was upset because being in a kindy reminded me of who and how I use to be, and on a milestone day, on a day that we should remember forever, I couldnt be there in the way I wanted and needed. Jesus really helped me through and is really teaching me what is important in this life. What I need to hold onto and what I can let go of and live without. It is tough.
Sam loved every second of kindy, when we picked him up he was right up the front of the class being very cute. He fit right in and it was really good to see him adapting to something new so well. Mind you from the second we got home, Sam seemed to think he ran the joint and we are still in the process of teaching him who is the boss and how to adjust to the changes in his life.
I remember when I first had Sam and I was incredibly paralysed with constant anxiety and panic (PNA) the doctor told me it would be 2 weeks until the medication kicked in. I remember thinking to myself, 2 weeks! I can't lose 2 weeks of my babys life before I feel myself! Now 3 years on, I am still saying the same thing. Depersonalisation disorder means the cloud never lifts, the unreality and numbness is present 24/7 ,7days a week. No relief, not ever for a second, so in some ways you do make a 'normal' out of it. You get use to the sensations and days and months can pass quickly. The sad part for me is adding Sam into it, when months pass quickly with no memory, but they have been crucial months in Sams life. Although I need to accept where I am and trust God, I also feel an urgency to get well to finally experience life with Sam and Jas and my family and friends.
Now for today, this morning I saw Marcus. It was interesting. I feel as though God is wanting me to trust Him more and not put all my faith in doctors. In the same way though, Marcus is a christian and is seeking God too, so its awesome to know we are on the same page. He was really encouraging. Prayed a lot for me and talked through some therapy with me. We tried to find any fragments in my mind but again it was blank. When Marcus prays for me, the things he commits to God and the things he asks for show me so much that he understands where I am at, and what I need in order to feel myself. That in itself is such a relief, I feel understood by someone who professionally knows what I am going through. I will stay on the medication I am on for another 4 weeks, then try a new one on the market. We are trying medications because they can break the cycle in my brain and break the detatchment. Nearly everyone experiences depersonalisation at some stage, people come in and out of it. That kind of experience is also referred to as depersonalisation, however if it lingers and is persistant, it is referred to as an actual depersonalisation disorder, meaning that you are in a constant state of depersonalistion all of the time with no relief. When you experience depersonalisation, it will leave, if it starts quickly it will more than likely end quickly. If however, you find yourself stuck in the state of mind for several months can I suggest you go and seek help from a professional. There are treatments available that can help. There is a line between experiencing it from time to time, and suffering a disorder. The disorder will be more fierce and relentless, and help is there.
Because of the length of time I have had depersonalisation (almost 4 years) without a second of change, we are exploring different ways of treating it. So in 4 weeks I will go on this new medication and from there we will see. If that doesnt shake my brain chemicals up, possibly getting pregnant can have a massive affect on brain function and chemicals. Plus, if I were well, we would be having a second child already. Im not going to put our lives on hold for this disorder. If Marcus thinks it is ok, and God wants it for our family, pregnancy will be an option probably in the new year. For all the mums who have suffered PND/PNA...YES!!! IM SCARED!! :) Potentially I could get very sick again, but I could also get well so we will have to see. All in all, Marcus helped me in all different ways today and I am grateful.
God is a good God. I believe that. I believe that He knows me well. Even when it feels like He doesnt rock up, He has a plan and Im trusting it. How we view life and our trials has a huge affect on what we are going through. If I live like a victim, I become one. If I live like a daughter of the King, I become that. So can I encourage you to take your thoughts captive and committ your mind and heart to God and ask Him to protect it. It is when we are most vulnerable and suffering that the enemy comes to destroy. God has other plans, there is no where on earth we can go that he cant reach us. Mental Illness feels a lot like he cannot reach us, but He is at work regardless of our perceptions and emotions.
Today as Marcus prayed for me, Jesus put a song in my head. Here are the words that really brought God into my heart today, He came and met me in my far away place and brought me comfort...
Long after the tears fall I'm still your child
I put down my defenses and lay down my pride
Love and forgiveness flow in deep and wide
So I run to you and surrender all!
As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
In times of trouble, though trials may come
The rock of ages is standing strong
I'm fighting battles, but the war is won
So I'll run to you and surrender all
More of You and less of me, God
Friends, we are going to make it through. We are going to become all that we were created for, after all, we are already becoming that right now. Chins up, eyes fixed on the one who brings hope and freedom. xxoo
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