Anchored To Hope

So, I have been slack. Shall I blame it on the season? the weather? the ridiculous amounts I have been eating? How about all of the above. I have meant to come on here many a times and something always seemed to steal me away. Well today here I am and Im all yours computer. Thanks again for everyones on going support, it really does mean the world when I hear from you and know that you have been thinking of me. xxoo As I start to write this, I find it hard to recall the instances where this blog was inspired from. I know what I want to say, but cant remember the stories leading up to it. Then Sam tells me he wants a freddo frog for breakfast and it all comes flooding back. I say no for a reason. And I say no quite frequently. And no matter how hard I explain it to Sam now, there is only so much he can understand, and probably a whole lot he won't understand until he is a parent himself. I was with him about a week back and he asked for a Thomas the train toy that I had already bo...

Hello and welcome to the festive season! Our house was all ablaze yesterday with christmas decorations and the pageant and lights. Jason in this case, is definitely more the kid than Sam and I. Actually, Sam is quite the same as his dad and for those who know Jas, one of the first things you would know about him is that he is christmas obsessed. When he was 4 he told his mum that his dream when he grew up was to be Father Christmas. That dream unfortunately, still rings true in Jas's ears :) Bless his cotton ( and holey) socks off. So I had 2 kids yesterday ( inclusive of the big kid) running around the house singing and dancing. Sam was yelling "merry christmas and a happy new your" in his little accidental american accent ( I blame sesame street). I love how he is still mixing words up, I know that wont always be the case, but for now things like 'fat battery' and 'hide and sink' and still very cute and funny. I had one of those moments where you stop ...

Well hello there dear friends. Wow it has been a little while, I will explain a little later why I havent posted recently. Welcome to those who have never been here before, can I please encourage you to go all the way back to the start and read the first blog to get a good background of the purpose and subject of this blog. Thanks xxoo So...time has passed. But it has been good time, worth while time. Last time I posted I talked about my thoughts and how they were holding me captive. Controlling them with my own choice, and with the help of God has been life changing. I still am at a point where I do feel Depersonalised but I have come to be at peace with the fact that this may be permanent and after everything, I feel that is ok with me. I do fall into the victim trap if I am not careful. I think I deserve to be well and enjoy my son, and although that sounds fair, that is not at all what life is about. It isnt why I was created, or what I was created for.  This revelation that...

Helloooooo friends! wow it was been over a week! I am very sorry. My little family and me have been very sick, chest infections a plenty. Hideous things they are, I have been in bed almost everyday and Sam has been crook as anything. We are definitely, finally, on the mend. Way too many trips to the doctor! So where to start? It was kindy day again today, Sam acts so grown up when we get there and when we get home, its pretty funny. He seems to have grown more in the last 2 weeks, he is fully becoming a real little man, not a little toddler anymore. It makes me happy and sad. And its only recently that I feel I can say that without trying to explain that I am still not normal. I have had a change it mind set and it has been a choice. I am sad that Sam is growing so quick, but happy that he is becoming such a beautiful individual. I am grateful that we spent today together, tomorrow isnt guaranteed, not even our next breath is. I feel a big weight has been lifted from me, and it was ...

Hey friends, Thanks again for reading, listening, writing, it is so encouraging to know that in sharing this, you are progressing and encouraged in your own journeys. It has been a little while since my last entry, life has been a little crazy and busy. Just a heads up, if this is the first time you have seen the blog, can I encourage you to have a little peep at the first entry just to get the full story and understanding of the stages of the blog. xxoo Monday morning, our lives turned from having a baby, to being defined by terms and school holidays for the next 13+ years. The beginning of kindy. Sam was pumped. He walked into our room at 6am with his bag and lunch box and was ready to go. I took about a billion photos and videos to make sure I could look back on it. 6gb to be exact. Sammy couldn't wait to get into the gate and play with the kids. It was like he grew up instantly. His teachers are beautiful people and are great with him. It was a weird day. From a deperso...

Today, I have again been reminded of the truth and character of God. Although I cannot for the most part, feel Him, I have no choice but to see Him at work and give Him credit that is due. I began the day in a circle of self pity. Thoughts that I was stuck forever in a time trap, isolated and alone, watching the world turn without me. The thought that Sam is a kindy boy in one more sleep, and yet I remember almost nothing of his life, and of what I remember, I cannot relate or experience along with the memory. If I allow myself to, I become a massive victim. It seems cruel and unfair that I cannot look at my son and feel an overwhelming sense of ownership and adoration. It seems almost a tease that on the outside my life by all means, should be an almost perfect one. A beautiful husband and son, supporting and loving family and friends, growing ministry along side best friends, more things in life than one would ever need, yet I have a big massive hole that nothing can fill.  A...

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of communication lately, its been a hectic time of late, only a few days till Sam starts kindy. We had a birthday party today for Sam's girlfriend Summer :) They are the cutest, such innocent little minds and hearts. I really am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do, I feel I am surrounded with the best. I got home to my parents today for them to tell me that our next door neighbour ( when I use to live there) had passed away due to cancer. He was older, so its sometimes easy to think, oh well thats normal and in the cycle of life. But I saw his daughter today, and not matter how old you are, you still belong. That is still her daddy. She still feels like his little princess. It still hurts the same as when she would have been 5 years old. In saying that he was old, probably in his 60's :) Sorry to those whom that offends :) I also saw his little grandchildren, who have no concept of age. All that they know is that they love Papa, and he...

Hi Folks, Thanks again for everything, support and love. Still appreciating it all. Have gone a few days without the internet so its good to be back. I would like to try and write everyday but it may change from time to time. It has been a big weekend, a lot of resting and sleeping which sounds boring but its the best :) Count down for Sammy and the week leading up to kindy. It is our last week with our little baby boy, then he grows up. Jas is beardless which is a nice change, its nice to be able to see his face again.  Thats us in a nut shell. I go to see Marcus in a week from now which is always a good thing, he will assess my medication and if it is helping. The thought of another baby enters my head as Sam gets older, but I would like to give treatment a good crack first. For the mums out there who read this and can identify with my story, I have read that pregnancy and birth can actually be a positive thing because it alters brain chemicals and hormones, and can sometimes ...

Sorry for my laziness yesterday, I am still yet to decide how often I will blog. Everyday? every second day? hmmmm I will think about it. I do like recording the day as it unfolds so we'll see how it goes. Big shout out to ICK, your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and you light up my life and I love you.xxoo What. A. Day...it was heaps of fun. We had a Sparta competition which is my husband and some of his friends dressing from the movie 300 and bronzing themselves to see who looks the most buff, basically an excuse to take photos in their jocks and get away with it. But it was so sunny and Sam and his friend Molly splashed in the pool, and I was surrounded by people that I love so much, that I barely assessed where I was at, I was able to just be and enjoy it for what I could. The sun shine helped too. Sam seems so old :( He is talking constantly, no exaggeration, constantly. Just the words he puts together and his responses, he is no longer a baby. The kindy countdown...

Hello my lovely people. So I did not get the sleep I intended to last night but at least Sam gave me a little sleep in so it was ok. It is official that I am Anna Kate's favourite person. Yes yes yes, we have fun and I got smiles and tongue pokes. How cute can one baby neice be!! So we have some holidays planned which is a good thing. Although my perception of time and lack of emotion doesnt make me heaps excited for them, I still am really looking forward to them which is a good thing for sure. Family holidays are good for me because I have really limited memories of Sam and his little life, but the things I can recall are often on those holidays we took. I will love it and enjoy the moments as they come. I found my thoughts a little tricky today as I was constantly assessing where I was at and if things felt 'normal'. It does get incredibly repetative and draining but in the big picture, things could be worse so I will hold onto the things I do have. I wish things were a...

Just a little quick one tonight, my body is asking me for more sleep. I'd still like to say a big thankyou to everyone for your support and love. I'm in the process of replies so I will get to you I promise. Today was relatively uneventful, still snuck in a cuddle with my newborn niece Anna:) Sam is growing up way to fast, just the words and sentences he comes out with! Ive been Trying to remember him as a baby but I'm having a bit of a fuzzy day. Somewhat detached. All you can do is take the good with the bad but it's important for my readers who Are suffering anxiety and depression/ depersonalization, that you know it's ok to be good and bad, it is normal and part of the process. We have all been there. It is never nice but it won't last forever. Isn't it funny how it's really hard to live in the moment, I always seem to look forward and think that once I reach a certain point I will be satisfied or more content. The truth is moments happen every day...

My niece loves me...YAY! She looks for me when someone else is holding her and when I talk to her she listens intently. It might be my dashing good looks, it might also be that I act like an insane ( excuse the pun :) preschooler when I talk to her and use any part of my body that will, to make a noise at her. She is just learning to smile, I am yet to receive one, but I am told her mummy did get 2 yesterday. Its funny how they go from being newborns, to adapting to the world in a matter of weeks. She is taking stuff in and learning who we are, she even copies me when I poke my tongue out! But seriously, how crazy is creation! That from nothing being in  our tummies, comes a baby with eyes and organs and an incredible brain. Where does all that stuff come from??? Like I know where so don't all reply with your dirty minds:), but I mean even when I was pregnant I'd look at my tummy and think, there is definitely no eyes in there to give a baby so how did he come out with them?!...

Hey Guys, Thanks again for all the support and feedback and encouragement. I know I say it a lot, but I really appreciate the time and thought you are sending my way. I will try my best to grab some time and reply to the facebook messages and emails. You are all very very lovely and are helping me a great deal. When I first told Jas ( my husband) about the idea of doing this blog and sharing my story, he suggested that I write about what it takes to help get through/get someone else through mental illness. Kinda like what our friends did to help when we needed it most, and what really worked and maybe what didn't. A lot of us have either experienced depression/anxiety first hand, if not extremely closely. It seems to be everywhere and without a clear message of what it is, or how to get through. I would never had considered myself a depressed person, but as I look back through my life I realise my idea of depressed was actually different to that of its actual meaning. I always...

I am sunburnt! horray! It has been a long time. It was an accident as I am not used to the sun actually shining in little old Adelaide. Today was a wedding, a beautiful wedding. It was at the beach, it was 2 people actually in love. It was old friends who feel like time never passed, and it was fun. Something beautiful happened to me today, my dear friend Courtney gave me a gift, and  it has helped me take the next steps in this journey.  We were chatting about life and where we were at, she suffers similar to me in some aspects so we share a lot. As we were talking she looked me in the eyes and said " we actually are going to get better, we are going to be strong and full of life". I believed her. In a time where I am flicking between trying to convince myself that I am going to get better, or trying to accept that maybe this is my life now, a moment of faith spoke into my future. I believe that I am going to be myself again, maybe the best version of myself I have ever be...

Today will be short and sweet. I sometimes find it amazing how well God knows us. Like really knows us down to the finest details. Like somehow in the walk of life I find beautiful people who add so much to my life and make me laugh and cry. Some are interstate, international, and some are on the couch next to me. You are there, and I feel you and I love you. Today I had a day off from Sam, jas took him up to see his friend Caleb and I stayed home with a funny tummy. Damn you ikea food! I think I think too much but it's not always bad. It's about 2 weeks till I see Marcus my doctor again and this time he asked me to bring jas along, should be interesting :) I'm feeling a little trapped in my body today and am aware that things aren't right, but as I get ready to sleep I have a beautiful healthy boy, a loving faithful husband,our own home, amazing friends and everything we need. So although I can't fully take it in, in the capacity I want to, the Fact remains that a...

Beautiful people, you have changed me. Thankyou is not enough to say for all of the emails and love you have all sent and shared my way. I feel like I dont deserve all of the lovely things you are saying. I think any courage or strength I show in all of this is Jesus in my heart, and my amazing friends and family. I appreciate the encouragement immensly and love you all deeply. Today, Ive been trying to give credit to, and pay closer attention to the feelings I do experience and the life I do have. Although things feel constantly "not real", I notice I am still protective of Sam. My beautiful sister shared with me yesterday how my relationship with Sam appears, and it helped me put things in perspective. I can't fall victim through this and call my whole life a write-off because I dont feel normal/myself. The truth is no matter how severe the depersonalisation is, my protective nature for Sam always kicks in. I can be having the worst day ever and feel like not leaving ...

Hello Friends, Firstly, thank you. It has been incredibly encouraging and lovely to recieve so much feedback and personal stories from you all.  Thank you for listening and caring. Isn't depression and anxiety such a...a...cough cough, I won't insert the words that first came to mind :) It affects so many of us and we struggle through, mostly alone. Lets talk about it, get it out, get help, get better. I love you all so very much. Today was a good day, we went to the zoo with friends, Sam was funny. He is starting to remember things that I don't and it makes me sad, but I think part of that is also plain old life. Enrollments for kindy went thru today and Sammy is starting next term.  Crazy!!! My niece Anna is too cute, I love to cuddle her ( although I try to dismiss the constant self analysis " do I love her?", " should I feel more towards her", silly old brain). The fact is, shes damn cute :) A few of you asked so I thought I'd update on the ...

So here we go. Its overwhelming and kind of I'm possible to try and put into words the last 3 nearly 4 years. As a pregnant mummy, I was besotted with Sam ( my son). Every kick, every ultrasound, heartbeat I got to hear, it was more than I ever expected it would be. Amazing. I'd look in the baby book everyday, see how big he was in my tummy, what he was developing, I was already so incredibly proud of my baby and he wasnt even born yet. But the pain that was about to unfold was nothing I was prepared for. Looking back I should have seen it coming. I have had cronic anxiety my entire life. I spent a lot of my childhood and majority of high school life riddled with panic and fear. Not average fear... daily, gripping, life threatning panic that my parents would die, or my husband would be in a car accident, I'd start to panic before he was even late home. I would visualise their funerals everyday and cry at the thought, feel every feeling as if it were happening. I grew up ...